Got Nothin'...
Yep I got nothing. Nothing eventful or exciting. I have a lot on my mind but I'm not sure how to process it enough to be a coherent thought. Who knows, maybe writing/rambling will allow it to come together. Valentine's Day was rather uneventful. We ended up ordering in Chinese, I had picked up some little individual bottles of champagne which I opened and had with dinner. JD and I exchanged cards (well I gave him a card from Bug and he gave me a card from him and one from Bug) and he ended up buying me yet another gift. ::sigh:: That makes three separate Valentine's Day gifts that he's presented me with. He gave me money for California, he gave me a shirt I had wanted before I left for Cali, and then he bought me some perfume which he gave me on V Day. I can't help but feel that he's doing all this to shower me with gifts in an attempt to make sure I stick around. I just don't know, he doesn't normally go *all out* like he did. It was a bit awkward considering the fact that we're merely tolerating each other right now. I don't know. After I opened the card from JD I thanked him and he approached me for a hug. I did hug him back but it felt wrong. I just felt awkward and it felt completely foreign to me. That made me a little sad.
I did talk to Cali on the phone a couple of times during the day and the last time was early evening as he headed home for the night. Being away from him and knowing he was spending Valentine's Day at home with her was really tough. I ended up texting him a couple of times during the evening which I knew he wouldn't be responding to, but I did it anyway. After eating I felt sick to my stomach so I lied down on the couch while JD gave Bug his bath. I ended up falling asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to go to bed. As I came into bed I could tell that JD was awake but he made no motion to even be near me. Remained with his back to me, curled up at the opposite side of the bed. Oh well...I actually thought of the possibility of curling up beside him but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Something stopped me.
Yesterday I went to the gym before taking Bug to school. I had an appt. to see my counselor in the afternoon which proved to be quite beneficial. We talked a lot about my trip to California and what I thought it meant. We talked about my future or lack thereof with JD. I told my counselor that I have found myself seconds away from asking JD for a separation the past week or two but I have stopped myself each time. I told her that I find myself feeling incredibly suffocated of late and when I think in my mind about us separating, I feel like I can breath again. She asked why I thought I stopped myself and I told her that I'm not quite sure. I don't know if it's fear of the unknown, fear that the marriage will be over, or what. She commented that just because we separate does not mean the end of the marriage. In many cases, a separation can be a tool to work on things and allow both parties to work on issues and re-evaluate the relationship in order to make sure they're in it for the right reasons, if they choose to remain. I think that's what we need. But I don't know if that's what he'll view it as. I just don't know. I think right now we just need to be away from each other for a bit to either decide we prefer to be alone or to decide that we want to be with each other. I can't make that decision while we're living together because all I see is the negative and frustration. Financially and logistically it's probably going to be a nightmare but if we're going to give this marriage a chance I think we owe it to ourselves.
She also brought up the possibility of Cali's wife or JD finding out about us and the impact/ramifications that could have. To be honest, the thought of Cali's wife finding out had never entered my mind...or maybe I just chose not to think about it. From his comments, they tend to live separate lives for the most part and financially everything is kept separate so the thought of her coming across a receipt or something hadn't occurred to me. But as I mentioned it to him yesterday he agreed that it could conceivably happen. It's unlikely as he said but it's always in the realm of possibility. Of course, that just added another element of worry to my life.
We talked extensively yesterday about us, last week, the details about seeing each other in 4 weeks (omg, FOUR weeks!!!), and just life in general. I love those conversations...I feel so connected to him even though there isn't any intense discussion or anything. Just day to day stuff. He was going to try to get out of the house last night so that we could talk again but that never materialized. I ended up frustrated by the situation although I really shouldn't get my hopes up. I tend to plan for it and arrange things so that I can be available for a phone call but he ends up getting stuck due to the kids and such. He does try and there are times that he surprises me and is able to sneak away but I need to stop expecting or waiting for it. That's when I get disappointed and frustrated and quite honestly it's not his fault. I know he's trying and struggling himself. Such is the nature of the beast...though it doesn't make it any easier.
Well that's about it. Just got home from the gym and I need to jump in the shower and get some laundry going. The house is a disaster and it's making me crazy so I need to do something about it.
More later, maybe.
I did talk to Cali on the phone a couple of times during the day and the last time was early evening as he headed home for the night. Being away from him and knowing he was spending Valentine's Day at home with her was really tough. I ended up texting him a couple of times during the evening which I knew he wouldn't be responding to, but I did it anyway. After eating I felt sick to my stomach so I lied down on the couch while JD gave Bug his bath. I ended up falling asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to go to bed. As I came into bed I could tell that JD was awake but he made no motion to even be near me. Remained with his back to me, curled up at the opposite side of the bed. Oh well...I actually thought of the possibility of curling up beside him but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Something stopped me.
Yesterday I went to the gym before taking Bug to school. I had an appt. to see my counselor in the afternoon which proved to be quite beneficial. We talked a lot about my trip to California and what I thought it meant. We talked about my future or lack thereof with JD. I told my counselor that I have found myself seconds away from asking JD for a separation the past week or two but I have stopped myself each time. I told her that I find myself feeling incredibly suffocated of late and when I think in my mind about us separating, I feel like I can breath again. She asked why I thought I stopped myself and I told her that I'm not quite sure. I don't know if it's fear of the unknown, fear that the marriage will be over, or what. She commented that just because we separate does not mean the end of the marriage. In many cases, a separation can be a tool to work on things and allow both parties to work on issues and re-evaluate the relationship in order to make sure they're in it for the right reasons, if they choose to remain. I think that's what we need. But I don't know if that's what he'll view it as. I just don't know. I think right now we just need to be away from each other for a bit to either decide we prefer to be alone or to decide that we want to be with each other. I can't make that decision while we're living together because all I see is the negative and frustration. Financially and logistically it's probably going to be a nightmare but if we're going to give this marriage a chance I think we owe it to ourselves.
She also brought up the possibility of Cali's wife or JD finding out about us and the impact/ramifications that could have. To be honest, the thought of Cali's wife finding out had never entered my mind...or maybe I just chose not to think about it. From his comments, they tend to live separate lives for the most part and financially everything is kept separate so the thought of her coming across a receipt or something hadn't occurred to me. But as I mentioned it to him yesterday he agreed that it could conceivably happen. It's unlikely as he said but it's always in the realm of possibility. Of course, that just added another element of worry to my life.
We talked extensively yesterday about us, last week, the details about seeing each other in 4 weeks (omg, FOUR weeks!!!), and just life in general. I love those conversations...I feel so connected to him even though there isn't any intense discussion or anything. Just day to day stuff. He was going to try to get out of the house last night so that we could talk again but that never materialized. I ended up frustrated by the situation although I really shouldn't get my hopes up. I tend to plan for it and arrange things so that I can be available for a phone call but he ends up getting stuck due to the kids and such. He does try and there are times that he surprises me and is able to sneak away but I need to stop expecting or waiting for it. That's when I get disappointed and frustrated and quite honestly it's not his fault. I know he's trying and struggling himself. Such is the nature of the beast...though it doesn't make it any easier.
Well that's about it. Just got home from the gym and I need to jump in the shower and get some laundry going. The house is a disaster and it's making me crazy so I need to do something about it.
More later, maybe.
1 comment:
*sigh* I can sooooooo relate to this whole thing.
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