The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated

Yes, I am alive and well. I can't believe it's been 10 months since I last posted and last visited. I guess it's true what an old blogger friend (Fusion, I think?) said about real life becoming more interesting and blogging becoming less so...? That pretty much sums things up for me.

Last time we left Drama she was in the midst of trying to support the new man in her life, aka Hot Rod. His father was very ill and wasn't given much of a chance to live. Well to bring my dear reader (I don't think I have much more than one at this point!) up to speed since then, in a nutshell:

• Hot Rod turned out to be Low Life.
• Hot Rod lied about his father being ill and subsequently lied about his father dying.
• Hot Rod was whooping up the town with another woman while Drama sat at home being the quietly supportive girlfriend she believed he needed her to be.
• Drama and Hot Rod never saw each other again.

The entire situation was pretty difficult to swallow because for the first time in a long time I gave him my complete trust and support and he pretty much squashed it into the ground. I was angry, hurt, confused and downright pissed off. We have not spoke since his father's "death" and he has never returned any phones, emails, or text messages. In the end, he did me a favor, I'm happier now than I was then...so in a way I have to thank him for being a jackwad!

Since then so much and so little has passed. I'll try to update in brief for my lone reader. ;-)

Bug
He's growing like a weed. He's the coolest little man that I know. He's doing fabulously in school, he's playing sports (soccer, hockey, and a little baseball but he's decided that baseball is going to go by the wayside so that he can focus better on hockey), and just generally being the little boy he should be. He's funny, sarcastic, thoughtful, loving, and sometimes a complete PITA. Haha, typical boy for sure! I'm blessed to be able to call him my son.

JD
Still passive aggressive, still trying to control whatever areas of my life he thinks he can (unsuccessfully I might add!), still pretty much JD. Although I think I've found my sea legs and have begun to truly stand up to him as opposed to just smiling and nodding and letting him spout off at whim. It's kind of fun to be able to put him in his place and render him speechless/unable to respond. Fun stuff!

Work
Still at the same job, still tolerating it from day to day. I want to find something new but with the economy and job market as it's been I hesitated. I know what I have where I am, I know what the company looks like and how they've handled things thus far. I could easily trade this off for something completely unknown and end up out on my butt with no job. Not a trade off I was willing to make up until now. Things are changing and I probably will begin looking within the next couple of months. At least get my feet wet with applying and interviewing.

Home Sweet Home
Still enjoying my own place although my landlord is a giant turd and I could do without him. Finally got the place just as I want it and I am now in the midst of MOVING! =) Yep, I get to pack up all my stuff and transport it somewhere else. I'm excited about the prospect of something new but it's pretty nerve wracking. I'm sure my faithful reader is asking, "Where are you moving to, Drama?" Well that brings us to the next topic:

Love & Romance
Love and Romance are alive and well in my life, I'm happy to report! I'm moving in with the new man in my life. Well new since last time I posted. We shall call him Hunter for ease of conversation. Hunter and I have been together a while and dare I say, I truly believe this could be the most HEALTHY relationship I've been in EVER. Yes, ever...that's not to say we are perfect or that everything is happiness and light...just that we are good together. We argue and fight and "discuss" but in the end we listen to each other and neither of us has a problem admitting we made a mistake or did something wrong. Apologies are not given out as huge sacrifices, they're acknowledgments that we made a mistake and intend to correct things. So just before the holidays we were talking about living arrangements, he lives with his son and I'm of course with Bug. He's a single dad and has had sole custody of his son since FB was 6. We realized at that time that we put out a whole lot of money in household and living expenses living apart and since we spend about 80% of our free time together, moving in together just made sense. We did a lot of talking about logistics, melding the two families and the two kids together in a way that would be good for us all, we also really talked about whether this was the right thing for US. All things pointed to the fact that yes, this was in fact a good move and the boys were totally on board with it. Bug L O V E S Hunter and FB and despite FB being considerably older, he loves to spend time with Bug. They're very good together. Sooo, since the holidays I've been packing, purging, sorting, and organizing. The moving truck is rented for next week, I've begun to move some of our things in, Hunter and FB have begun to make room for Bug and I here, and it's a good thing. I'm very nervous as this is the first time I'm contemplating such an important move in my life since having Bug. I worry about uprooting him and then things not working out. Not that I don't think we have a chance or won't make it but after being burned so many times, I can't help but be a little bit gunshy. I'm also very excited because I see how good we are together. The fact that Bug ASKS to come visit Hunter, how good FB is with Bug (despite the 10+ year difference in age), how well we all gel and work together...how could it not work? I'm realistic in that people aren't perfect and we all change but I also think we have a very strong foundation and communication...and most importantly we care about and respect each other. I'm very happy and while nervous I can't wait to begin this new journey together. Good stuff!

Hunter has also really helped me to stand up to JD. He's been the rational voice that reels me in and shows me that despite JDs backhanded comments about my supposed inability to be a good parent or make the right choices, I am a damned good mom and Bug is lucky to have me. He grounds me and is my rock when I go off full tilt. He's also what I've always craved. He calls me on my stuff and won't back down when I'm being stupid. I desperately need that, even though I hate it...how's that for a contradiction?

All in all, life is going along swimmingly. I'm excited about our journey and looking forward to seeing where it takes us!

3 weeks

It's been 3 weeks since the Man left to be with his family. 3 weeks since I held him and kissed him. I miss him like crazy. His dad has now been moved to hospice and the powers that be say it's just a matter of time. He's being kept comfortable but they are not going to try anything else to help him. He made this decision of his own free will, he's prepared for whatever happens. I don't know if the Man is prepared. I worry that he's going to crumble when all is said and done. I hope I can be the rock he will so desperately need.

We talked tonight and he's planning to come home in a couple of days. He is lucky to have very reliable employees who are basically running his business in his absence. But he needs to get back, to pay bills, to write out paychecks, to take care of his business. We're both very much looking forward to seeing each other.

The past three weeks have been an exercise in strength and trust. Our relationship is still so very new and while I want to trust him implicitly and he's given me no reason NOT to trust him, it doesn't come easy for me. I've been burned more than my fair share. I've given my time and patience to have it thrown back at me and rejected. So I've struggled with being patient and knowing that his lack of contact/communication isn't an indication of lack of interest, it's merely life running out of control for him. He has kept in touch as best as he can, when he can...and that means so much to me. I want to be the support for him, I want to be there for him...it's frightening to put myself out there and trust and be patient...but I think he's worth it. Only time will tell.

I've been thinking about giving the Man a nickname, something better than "the Man". I've decided to call him, Hot Rod. I think that fits.

Completely off kilter

What a rough week it's been. Actually it all started last Saturday. Took Bug to a birthday party, kept in touch with the man throughout the day. He was spending the afternoon doing some rather "girly" things with his daughter, which in and of itself doesn't sound terribly strange. A loving father spending Saturday afternoon with his young daughter, right? Well the "girly things" consisted of this big burly, tattooed and pierced biker type man taking his daughter to a TEA PARTY! Heehee. She loved it, he endured it but I know he secretly loved it cuz, well it meant he spent time with his princess AND it totally made her day. I thought it was incredibly sweet, the thought of him arriving at said tea party totally out of place but enjoying it nonetheless. But I digress. After the festivities, we dropped off our respective children and then headed to the hockey game with a group of friends. Game was good, our team won...but then things got icky. He got sick on the way home and it all went downhill from there. He ended up in bed all day Sunday, headed to the clinic on Monday to find out he had strep and a sinus infection. Not a good thing.

He planned to spend the beginning of the week resting and trying to recover from the nasty bugs that had inhabited his body uninvited and then return to work. Then the call came in on Tuesday late afternoon. His dad was in very serious condition and being rushed to the ER. He had to drag himself out of bed and head into the city to be at his dad's side in the hospital. That's when things went from bad to worse. He's been at the hospital ever since (today is Saturday for those keeping track). Dad had surgery yesterday and now they're giving him a 30% chance of survival. I feel totally and completely helpless. While our relationship is really pretty strong, it's also really very new. I've yet to meet anyone in his family so arriving at the hospital to be at his side isn't necessarily the most appropriate thing to do...nor does it really make sense. I'm trying to be the support he needs from a distance but I feel like I'm sorely lacking. He says he's ok but I also know that he's really wiped out emotionally and physically. He is trying to be strong for his mom and sister. Family has arrived from out of town now as well so he's juggling a lot. I'm trying to balance being supportive without crowding him...it's not easy. I know how stressful it is when you have a sick parent, having dealt with this just over 2 years ago when my dad AND mom both were sick.

**NOTE: I started this post last Saturday and here we are over 8 days later with no reasonable update with regard to the man's dad. He's been transferred to a different hospital and they're at the stage of the game where they will be trying a "new and somewhat experimental" protocol on him since nothing else is working. The man has been sleeping in his dad's room and occasionally going back to his parents house to shower and catch a couple hours sleep on their couch. Not terribly conducive to a good nights rest. I still feel totally and utterly helpless with regards to supporting him. He insists that I'm doing just fine supporting him, that he misses me and thinks about me all the time *grin*, and that he can't wait to see me. I wish I could just hold him and make all this craziness go away. We are now heading towards the two week mark that he's been staying at the hospital with no reasonable solution in sight for his dad. How frustrating!

So we begin another week, unsure where this will end up, hopeful that they will find something, some way to help his dad. It's not looking too good but we have to remain hopeful. His dad has the same disease that my dad did, so I know how difficult it is to watch someone suffer through this and I don't envy him. You're powerless and it's frustrating.

As I was typing this it hit me that since it appears he may very well become a more permanent fixture in my life, I should probably give him a more permanent nickname other than the man. Hehe I'll have to think upon that and get back to you all.

In the meantime, any good thoughts, vibes, dances, prayers, etc. that you can muster would be outstanding.

Remember me?

I can't believe it's been 5 months (??!!) since I last blogged. Whew. I don't want to bore you all with all the details of the past 5 months so I'll just toss out a few bullet points:

• Still happily living in my little apartment. Around Christmas time my best friend, C, commented that I cannot move anytime soon because I've just finally gotten it set up the way I want. She's right. It's not perfect, it's older but it's mine and I love the way things are now. It's mine and Bug's HOME. *happy sigh*
• I haven't had contact with much of my family since Halloween. We spent Thanksgiving with C's family. I spent Christmas Eve solo as Bug was with JD. Christmas Day Bug and I spent together, we had a good day, it was very low key and relaxing.
• New Years was spent with good friends at home, laughing and joking. C, Bug, and I left New Years Day for a long weekend away at a town just north of us. Swimming, board games, and good old fashioned relaxation was the order. Good times.
• I enjoyed a week (technically 8 days) in Mexico in January. It was FANTASTIC. Met some amazing new friends, had a fantastic time, came back with a killer tan (much of it's faded now...*sigh*) and some awesome memories. Will definitely be making the trip again next year. Fun times. I missed Bug like crazy but it was good to get away and have some adult time too.
• February was pretty low key.
• I've met a new man...he's wonderful. It's pretty early in the relationship and we're taking things slow, neither of us wants to get hurt or hurt anyone but we definitely feel a strong connection to each other. There has been lots of very honest, no punches pulled type conversations. I don't have a problem asking him things or telling him how I feel and vice versa. It's good. C laughed when she met him and said, "He's definitely your type". Heh He's got that bad boy edge but he's a gentleman, romantic, and a sweetheart. I am enjoying him a lot.
• P is still around. He has made no effort to end his relationship and I told him that I could be his friend but I couldn't be his girlfriend. I know that for all intents and purposes he doesn't have a "real" marriage but they still live in the same house and still do things together socially. I know that it's all for the kids but that's not enough for me. I need someone who is committed to me and is part of my life. I want/need to be first or at least in the top two if children are in the equation. Now that I've been seeing the new man and I told P, he's been much more attentive and "present". He calls/texts all the time and I feel like while he may think it's making an effort it's clearly too little, too late. I think he's trying to "win me back" and it's not going to work. I am very happy with the new man - he's SINGLE, has his own business, his own home, and most importantly he's willing to be present and committed in a relationship.
  
• I recently re-started my weight loss efforts and I'm happy to say that I am down almost 15 lbs.! It feels great to see my efforts paying off. I have a few things coming up over the next few months and so I have some definite goals in mind. I will get there...I am worth it. =)

I think that's about it. Things with JD have been pretty quiet and low key. The drama is few and far between so that's always a good thing.

Was supposed to spend the day with the new man but he has come down with some nasty bug and has been holed up in bed for the day. I have a roast in the crock pot right now and I think I'll put together a plate once it's done and take it over to him. That's another really nice thing...he lives less than 15 minutes away. That's been virtually unheard of for me in my most recent relationships. Most times the men I'm involved with are 30 minutes to an hour away. Not terribly conducive to impromptu meetings and such.

All in all, life is good. Bug is growing by leaps and bounds, he's insanely smart and witty and sarcastic (like his momma!) and sweet and loving. I marvel at how amazing he is on a daily basis.

I got nothing....

I feel like I should have something to say, something of note to blog but I've got nothing. Oh there's plenty going on, Bug and I both have been the lucky recipient of the dreaded flu....most probably the evil kind but since testing is ridiculously backlogged, they're not testing just treating as if we have it. He's been down since Saturday and I've been down since Monday. Oh joy, fun times.

My house looks like a bomb (or six) has gone off, I have ZERO clean clothes, and I don't particularly care at this point. I went to work today for a few hours and I'll give it my best attempt to make it again tomorrow for part of the day. Then I'll take the weekend to veg and pass out and then hopefully recover and get my home back in order before returning to work on Monday. Wish me luck, I'm not terribly confident that it'll work. Heh

I'm missing P like crazy. I've managed to make it all week without calling him until today. Bleh. Of course, he has much stronger resolve than *I* do and did not answer when I called. I left him a quick voice mail but I don't expect that he'll return my call. I'm prepared for that.

I'm feeling pretty damned unsettled. This is the first time in forever that I've not had a potential/possible romantic prospect or someone that I was seeing, even on a casual basis. There is NOBODY. It feels strange but ok. I know I'll survive and I'm sure many are reading this thinking it's no big deal and I'm overreacting but it's my reality.

Meandering....

That's how I feel about my life right now. But in essence it's not really the case. I'm probably a bit more focused about "things" than I ever have been.

The not really married man (I should just call him P) and I are no longer together. I broke things off this week. It's not been a completely clean break, I miss him horribly and I can't seem to walk away without any contact but he's been super strong about not giving me what I want. HA! What I mean by that is, he knows I need/want/deserve more than he can give me...he knows it. So he's being the strong one and not allowing or giving in to our desires and whims to see each other. We had decided to take a couple of days apart to evaluate what we wanted and if this was working for us both. I didn't even wait a couple days, I called him the very next day and ended it. I know in my heart that he's not capable of giving me what I need...it's not that he doesn't want to and it's not that he may not be able to in the future, but for the moment he can't. I can't wait. We talked, we both cried, we promised each other that if circumstances changed we'd be the first respective person that the other would call, we promised to keep in touch and let the other know how we're doing (if something special/important happens)...we told each other how much we cared about each other. We said goodbye. It hurt like hell. We have an AWESOME relationship, we're strongly connected on so many levels, he makes me feel like the most amazing woman in the world, he makes me swoony and giggly and just fabulous....but he can't give me all of himself at this point. I understand it completely and I don't begrudge him. He has to take care of his kids and his circumstances. So we agreed to end our relationship. We've exchanged a couple texts over the past couple of days, mostly innocuous stuff, I was having a really tough time Thursday night and send him a text telling him that I was having a tough time. He admitted that he was missing me as well. That was all though, no other contact. I alternate between being ok with it and dying inside. It's toughest at night when I'm getting ready for bed. That was our time, I would crawl into bed, lights off and we'd talk until I was about to pass out. Then he'd wish me a good night and sweet dreams and we'd hang up as I quickly drifted off to sleep. That part of my bedtime ritual is no longer and it's taking a bit to get used to that.

So at this point I'm unattached, I don't have *any* profiles on *any* dating sites, I've deleted all of them. In some ways it feels a bit unnerving, like I don't have that safety net, the potential around the corner...but it's also forcing me/allowing me to focus on me and my life and future.

Today I am working on updating my resume and beginning the hunt for a new job. I know there isn't much out there but I need to do something so I'm giving it my best shot. I'm also going to meet with a tech school admissions counselor on Tuesday to discuss attending school. I want to get my degree. I've started and stopped more times than I can count and I need to do this for me and for Bug. So if all goes well and I can figure out a way to secure finances I'll be attending school within the next few months. Go me!

So while I feel like I'm meandering along this path called life, I do have some focus and a loosely made plan to improve my life and Bugs. Wish me luck!

Just 'cuz I'm bored...

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2009? – Yes!
2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE? – no, unfortunately not.
3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? – OMG yes...Sort of Married Man and I laugh all the time during sex...it's so hot too.
4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? – yes…because of the intensity
5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX? – yes, yes, HELL YES
6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE? –Yeah
7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM? - Yes
8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP? – Dirty talk Baby
9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX? – Yeah
10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER? –No way
11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND? – Yeah but not on purpose...
12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME? – Yes
13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX? –Well during foreplay but once the main act starts I'm not watching anything else...hehe
14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX? – No…
15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN? – Nope thank goodness
16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? - Not sharing
17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY? 21
18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW? – Mr. Hockey or Sort of Married Man
19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE? – Nope, for a variety of reasons
20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW? – Yes!
21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS HAVE YOU HAD? – I'm embarassed to say it's in the double digits. ::sith::
22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR? – Never had a desire so I guess no.
23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO? – Nope
24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER? NO WAY
25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER? – Yes
26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD? - TOYS VERY GOOD...
27. LINGERIE? – Yes on occasion
28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER? - Yeah, but we were dating at the time
29. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD SEX IN A 24 HOUR PERIOD? – 6
30.WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
( )park
( )church
()cemetery
()beach
()boat
()school
(X)parent’s bed
(x)your bed
()car
()picnic table
(x)kitchen counter
(x)couch/chair
(x)dining room/kitchen table
(x)woods
()hood of a car
(X)bathroom
(X)shower
(X)bathtub
(x)the other person’s bed
( )porch/deck/balcony
(x)in a house with parents home – actually my grandparents were there too!
(X)at a party
( )on top of the washer/dryer
(x)with other people in the room
(x)hotel
( )concert
()grandparent’s house
()field
( )bleachers
( )bookstore stock room
()linen closet

Pondering

Why is it when a "dating" relationship ends it's viewed as simply not working out and when a marriage ends it's viewed as a failure?

Discuss amongst yourselves...feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.

The Story of Bug

I was lying in bed last night thinking about my little man and decided that I wanted to share the story of how he came to be. It's a pretty amazing story in my opinion, one that I can't wait to recount and share with him when he's old enough.

His story requires a bit of background. As long as I can remember, I've always had "female problems". My mom, bless her clueless heart, always dismissed them as normal and reminded me that I had plenty of years to get "used to it". Well when I got into my early 20s I decided that I needed to consult a doctor because this just wasn't normal to me. Being unable to function for a portion of the month due to cramping, etc just didn't make sense. So I made an appointment to see a specialist. Long story short, we found out that I had endometriosis and it was pretty severe. This was back in the 80s and laproscopic surgery was virtually unheard of. I ended up having much of my reproductive organs removed due to large endometrial cysts and damage. I was informed at the age of 23 that I'd never be able to conceive on my own, and only had a 4% chance of conceiving with assistance. I was devastated. All my life, growing up, the only thing I aspired to be was a MOM. I wanted 5 kids...well realistically I'd have been happy with 2 or 3 but I was in MOM MODE. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd never have "my own" kids and moved on with life. A few years later I became a licensed foster parent with the intent of fostering to adopt. A couple years later, my life changed, my relationship at the time ended and the children I was fostering were returned to their parents.

Fast forward to the year 2000. I'm having more "female problems". I find out that my gynecologist has retired...and I've moved over an hour away so I need to find another doc. A friend recommends this doctor near me. I go in for a consultation/exam. She's AMAZING. She's brilliant, caring, compassionate, just an incredible doc. She does some tests and calls me to tell me that I have to have surgery again. In the midst of all this I find out that she's not only an ob/gyn but also a fertility specialist. She does the surgery, this time a laporoscope, and afterwards she has me schedule a consultation with her. She tells me that I'm a perfect candidate for IVF and if I decide to try it, to just let her know. JD and I had already agreed/resigned ourselves to the fact that we'd never be parents...however, her words rang in my head for days. "Perfect candidate"..."very good chance of success". JD and I talked about it but he was less convinced than I that it was a good move. So we tabled the discussion. A year later he brings it up..."Let's try".

I call the specialist and we start the process for IVF. JDs insurance covered the procedure (only one time) but not the injectables. Around this time I joined an IVF support group online - made up of all women that were going through IVF or had gone through it previously. I started to make friends with some of these women, we never met in person but we chatted online and via instant message. My doctor tells me that she's able to get some of the meds donated from the drug companies so we'll be able to get through the cycle without putting out thousands of dollars. I'm relieved. We begin attempt #1.

JD and I go through the training to learn how to do the injections, how to handle all the meds, etc. It was like going to school, taking notes, making lists, etc. We were knee deep in baby making. After 12 days of injections and a multitude of ultrasounds and blood draws (daily), they deem me a non-responder. I'm not making follicles, much less eggs. They won't even allow me to make it to retrieval. JD and I are crushed. We had decided that we'd try one time and if it didn't work, we'd move on...after all his insurance only covers the one cycle. When this happened we decided it was the Lord's way of telling us it wasn't meant to be.

Right about this time I met with our pastor and accepted Jesus Christ into my life as my Savior. I talked to my pastor about the IVF cycle and that it hadn't worked. We prayed about it and talked about it. We started to move on trying to accept what had happened. Less than a week later, my doctor called to tell me that JD's insurance had notified them that they would cover one more cycle since we canceled before retrieval. I explained to them that we had decided not to try again. She said she understood but if I did change my mind, to call her. She had a new protocol that she was positive would be the key for us.

The next week I'm at work and the UPS man arrives with a package for me. It's from an address in New Jersey. I don't know anyone in NJ. I open it to find sealed packages of fertility medication. There is a note inside, it's from one of the women on the IVF Support Group. She's now pregnant with twins, had additional medication leftover from her last cycle (it's sealed and completely safe) and wanted to share it with someone who could use it. She asked for no money in return, just a photo of the baby once I gave birth (!!!). I was floored to say the least. Two days later another package arrives. This one from Texas. Another woman in the group was pregnant and had leftover medication. She hoped the "lucky meds" would be the trick for me.

That night I came home from work and took all the donated medication and set it out on the kitchen table. We had enough medication to cover my cycle AND redonate some to someone else!! JD and I talked and prayed about it and decided that we couldn't NOT try one more time. There were far too many signs pointing to this cycle being viable.

I called my doc and we set up the schedule to start. This cycle was picture perfect considering the fact that I only have half of my reproductive organs! Follicles were growing...we were well on our way. My doctor had talked to us about the possibility of having more eggs/embryos than we are prepared to transfer. I told her that I was perfectly comfortable transferring up to 3 embies. She tried to discourage me but I was insistent...3 would be my limit. Throughout the cycle I kept praying, if we would get 6 viable eggs....that would be perfect. If out of those 6, we could fertilize 3 to good quality embryos, I was prepared to transfer all 3. I gave it all into God's hands.

The day of retrieval, my doctor was out of the office and her partner did the retrieval. Afterwards she came in to talk to me and looked a bit disappointed when she told me that she got "only 6" eggs but they were all good quality. I was ECSTATIC! This is exactly what I had hoped for, this was exactly what I knew I could handle and the Lord had heard my prayers.

Two days later my doctor called to tell me that unfortunately 3 of the eggs had not fertilized but that I had 3 solid, good quality embryos growing. She again tried to discourage me from transferring all 3, trying to encourage me to transfer 2 and freeze one. I wasn't going to be dissuaded. The Lord knew what He was doing and I knew He wouldn't give me more than I could handle. I was confident of that. If I was meant to have 3 babies, then that's what I'd have. My future was totally and completely in God's hands.

When transfer day came, again she tried to dissuade me. I insisted that we were transferring all 3 embryos. I wasn't leaving one of them behind...if they were meant to thrive, I was going to give them every chance possible. So on that warm July day we transferred 3 quality embryos into my uterus.

Then came the waiting...the wondering. I knew that with the meds in my system, if I took a pregnancy test too soon I'd get a false positive. I was having all kinds of strange symptoms and changes to my body. I didn't know if I was truly pregnant or if my body/mind was playing tricks on me. So I waited...and the day that I KNEW would be a true positive if I was pregnant, I went out and bought not one, not two, but three pregnancy tests. I woke up first thing in the morning and took one of them into the bathroom. JD was in the kitchen getting ready for work. I peed on the stick and waited. Within SECONDS the line showed up...PREGNANT!!! I immediately ran out to the kitchen to show him, thrusting the test in his face. His first response of course was, "I thought you had to wait for your blood test?" Hehe That day I took the other two tests, just to make sure and also because I couldn't believe it.

We held off until the blood test on Wednesday before we announced it to our parents and family. It was nervewracking not being able to tell anyone our little secret. My blood test numbers were pretty high, high enough that my doctor wondered if I might be carrying two. As the weeks wore on and we finally got to see our little Bug on ultrasound and hear his heartbeat we confirmed that it was indeed one little one. A very STRONG willed one at that.

I had an awesome pregnancy, no complications, no problems. The only problem was the fact that at about 32 weeks I was measuring 8 weeks ahead. I'm fairly petite and by doing some tests we were able to confirm that Bug was going to be a pretty big kiddo. They were sure he'd be over 9 lbs. at birth. So the last 9 weeks of my pregnancy I was tremendous...he wasn't moving around very much simply because he had nowhere to go. 8 days after his due date, via c-section (only because he wasn't moving down and I wasn't progressing) our "little" Bug was born. He was over 10 lbs. at birth. They had to go to the children's hospital wing to get him pajamas and diapers...he had already outgrown the newborn size!

He's been my biggest treasure and my greatest gift. He's happy, healthy, loving, thoughtful, considerate, funny, and all boy. Every day I thank the Lord for this incredible gift he's entrusted to me. I know for sure that if it wasn't for God, my son would not be here. He had a guiding and active hand in the creation of this little boy from DAY ONE. I am positive of that.

I did have a fair amount of meds leftover after my pregnancy, so I redonated it to another woman that was part of the group. She went on to have twins. =) That was definitely some lucky medication!!!

So there you have the story of Bug. Pretty cool if you ask me.

It's Saturday afternoon, my morning has been virtually wasted playing online and trying to figure out what in the world we're going to do tonight. It's pretty chilly here today and expected to dip below freezing tonight. We have plans to go to a nearby state park for their "Ghostly Fright Night" festivities. Much of the group has bailed because it's too cold (wimps) but C, Bug, and I are going to brave it. We're packing sleeping bags, big ole blankets, and the like to keep us warm during the scary ghost stories. Then we're heading back to my place for fondue fest. We have steak, chicken, shrimp, hot dog bites for Bug, yummy veggies, and of course all the fixings for chocolate fondue for dessert! I can't wait. =)

Last night was mighty uneventful, didn't really do much of anything. I have to throw in a couple loads of laundry before we go out tonight. I also need to get my house in some semblance of order. So why am I sitting here wasting time blogging? Because I can! heh

Ok, ok, time to be the adult and get some things accomplished. Later all!

Hmmmm

There is nothing hotter than having a man crawl up from between your legs, smile at you with that Cheshire Cat grin of his and just as he kisses you full on the mouth says, 'You taste incredible!'

:::swoon:::

Just sayin'.

100 Things (51-100)

1. I don't feel like renumbering so you'll have to pretend that there's a 5 in front of these.
2. I'm feeling a wee bit more secure and less manic today.
3. I've decided to break it off completely with the "sort of married" man.
4. I'm waiting for him to call me back right now.
5. It's totally the right thing to do.
6. I deserve someone who is there for me when I need them.
7. I feel somewhat misled by him.
8. I've decided to give the new man a chance.
9. I keep replaying all the good things he said to me this weekend.
10. I need to keep the "happy tapes" running so that the "I suck" tapes don't take over.
11. It's not as easy as it sounds.
12. Even if things with the new man don't work out, I need to make this move.
13. I like him enough to give it my all.
14. My sweet little 6 year old had over an hours worth of homework tonight.
15. WTH is that?!?!?!
16. Tomorrow night is a "Bug Free" night and usually I'm looking to plan something.
17. I had invited the "new man" over for dinner but he's sick.
18. My BFF invited me out to dinner with some friends.
19. I'm going to decline and stay home.
20. I'm looking forward to doing a load of laundry, having dinner, and watching some TV.
21. Kinda scary, dontcha think?
22. I'm looking forward to being ALONE...happily, no less.
23. One step forward, two steps back.
24. Hopefully I can start making it TWO steps forward, and one step back.
25. I had to save this and come back to it a couple of days later.
26. Whew what a difference a couple of days makes!
27. The "sort of married" man and I are not over.
28. Not by a long shot.
29. For whatever reason I can't walk away from him just yet.
30. We had a very long talk last night.
31. When I'm with him he makes me feel like the most amazing woman in the entire universe.
32. We laugh, we love, we truly enjoy each other.
33. But he's still married.
34. Yeah details, eh?
35. A *big* detail, I know.
36. I'm still working through things with the "new man".
37. I really need to give these two nicknames.
38. I'll ponder that this weekend.
39. This is a Bug weekend.
40. We're doing all kinds of Halloween and Fallish activities together.
41. He's passed out in my bedroom.
42. He was lying on my bed watching the hockey game.
    
43. He *is* his mother's son. *grin*
44. I'm feeling pretty good about myself today.
45. Ask me again tomorrow and you'll undoubtedly get a different answer.
46. I need to balance things out in my world.
47. I need to get motivated.
48. So many little things need to be taken care of at home.
49. I get motivated and then as soon as I walk in the door the motivation is GONE.
50. Whew I think I made it to 100. This was tougher than I thought it'd be.
    

100 Things (1-50)

Well I have tons of "stuff" floating around in my head yet none of it is in any semblance of an order to discuss or put into a post, so I thought I'd do the 100 things about me that you see all over the interwebz. I can't remember if I ever did it before and I don't particularly care to go check if I did.

1. I'm not confident that I'll be able to come up with 100 things to say.
2. Some days I feel that I am totally secure and like myself.
3. Other days I feel like I just ended my marriage and just started on my journey to self discovery and appreciation.
4. That frustrates the hell out of me.
5. It bothers me how much I truly want to find the one person that I can trust and share everything with.
6. I think it bothers me because I can't seem to find that one person
7. I wish I didn't have such huge trust issues.
8. In the midst of a conversation with someone in my life I totally and completely believe them and trust what they are saying/doing.
9. When I am no longer with them I begin to pick apart what they have said or done, searching for that underlying meaning or the "real reason".
10. I hate that about myself - self sabotage.
11. Last night as the new man and I were lying *ON* my bed in each other's arms and he was telling me things about his life, his desires, his intentions with regard to *us*, I told myself that I've been incredibly stupid to think he was anything less than honest or forthright.
12. Today I sit here digging through every conversation from last night, searching for the hidden agenda, the real meaning behind what he said.
13. I can't just let things be.
14. I want this to work with him.
15. We aren't perfect for each other but I think we could be GOOD for each other.
16. Complimentary as opposed to similar...if that makes sense.
17. When I don't hear from someone I care about within the timeframe that *I* think is appropriate I immediately assume they've lost interest.
18. I'm convinced that all who know me take an "out of sight, out of mind" approach when it comes to me.
19. After all I couldn't possibly be worthy of a single when you're NOT in my presence, could I?
20. I hate that about myself.
21. Intellectually I know I'm an intelligent, attractive, articulate, fun person.
22. Emotionally I think I'm worthless and invaluable.
23. I need to change that.
24. I find myself telling the new man that I'm not looking for someone to be with me 24/7, that I need my freedom and I'm content with occasional contact and seeing each other once or twice a week
25. I'm a liar.
26. I spend 15 hours with him yesterday and it's barely 12 hours since he left my house.
27. I'm dying to see him, hold him, even merely talk to him.
28. But I told him that I didn't want nor need close contact.
29. So I sit here going crazy and wishing he was going crazy and would pick up the phone and call me.
30. "I'm busy with my life, my friends, my son...I don't want or need a 24/7 relationship at this point. Seeing you once or twice a week is totally fine with me"
31. LIAR LIAR LIAR...
32. What is wrong with me?
33. I'm such a loser.
34. I gained back most of the weight I lost 2 years ago.
35. I feel like such a failure.
36. I know I can lose it again, but I'm far too lazy.
37. I still have my gym membership but the thought of even driving there and getting set up again seems like too much work.
38. How sad is that?
39. I am listening to Alanis and John Mayer.
40. Poor choices when you're feeling emotionally vulnerable.
41. I need to make dinner.
42. I don't have any desire to make the effort.
43. Dinner's complete - leftovers.
44. I wonder if I'm fooling myself sometimes.
45. When I tell myself that I could be happy without someone in my life, being totally alone romantically, do I really mean it?
46. There are days like today that I'm not so sure.
47. I have days that I'm lucky I can even manage to get out of bed and function with limited ability.
48. Yes I'm on/have been on meds for depression.
49. I don't particularly think they help.
50. Bedtime for Bug...I'll do the second half later.
    

Where ya been?

I know, it's been a while since I checked in. There has been a lot going on but also nothing going which meant I didn't have a whole lot to say. Make sense? No, I know it doesn't but it's the truth. HA!

Work is pretty much status quo. The mandatory paycut back in June is about to be lifted...barring a "letter from the president" within the next week or so, our salaries will return to the amount they were prior to the June paycut. It's not a huge amount of money but it'll make a big difference for me. I need every penny that I can get!

Bug is doing well. He's enjoying first grade, has lost 3 teeth and has another about to come out. He's growing by leaps and bounds and seems to be smarter each and every day. His sense of humor and level of sarcastic ability is quite obviously thanks to his momma! Heh. I love this little boy more than I can possibly ever explain.

The apartment feels so much like home now. It's not perfect, it's a bit old and run down in spots but it's bright and sunny and has a fabulous cross breeze and big windows that I can open. There is at least one thing about every single room that makes me smile and makes it truly feel like home. It's a great feeling, especially since it's all mine.

Well I managed to make it through the "Summer of No Commitment" without landing myself into a serious relationship. It wasn't on purpose nor was it on accident, it just happened. I dated, I met guys that I liked, some that I didn't care for, all in all I just enjoyed myself.

I did meet one guy who if timing and circumstances had been better, I think we could have had a future together. However, he's still married. No, not in the married and having an affair type married, I mean married as in still remaining in the same house but in the process of separating and divorcing type married. Due to finances and children they've remained under the same roof despite doing much of their living solo. They still do things with the kids when necessary but haven't been "married" in a couple years. Originally he had a fairly definite timeline as to when things were going to be progressing but now due to some circumstances outside of his control that has been pushed back. I care very much for him but he simply cannot be who I want or need and I'm not willing or able to wait to see if things are going to work out the way he wants them to. We still keep in touch but have not seen each other in almost 3 months. I'm totally ok with that.

I've met two new guys recently that I'm fairly optimistic about. One is a bit younger than me, by just a couple years, and we have a lot in common as far as what we are looking for in the long term. His schedule has been pretty hectic of late so we haven't spent much time together, however we are going to see each other two days this week and we're both very much looking forward to that. I love talking to him, I love spending time with him, he makes me laugh and he makes me smile. I feel like a giddy school girl when I'm with him. He's a mix of the popular quarterback of the football team and the geeky computer nerd...which I find incredibly attractive and damned sexy. The other guy is considerably older than I am (by 10+ years) and stable and secure with just a small dose of bad boy/biker thrown in. We laugh and joke a lot and have an overall good time. I'm looking forward to seeing him more to see where, if anywhere, this can go. Only time will tell! I'm not locking myself out of any other options, at this point I'm a "free agent" so to speak. However, if "Guy #1" and I were to work out I'd have no qualms about leaving the rest behind in the dust. I feel that strongly of a connection to him, physically, mentally, and emotionally. We shall see!

All in all life is going along swimmingly. My bestest friend, C, and I have spent a lot of time hanging out and just having fun. It was a great summer and I'm looking forward to a fun autumn. This is by far my favorite time of year.

Hope everyone is doing well. I will try to be better about posting on a more regular basis...