Meandering....

That's how I feel about my life right now. But in essence it's not really the case. I'm probably a bit more focused about "things" than I ever have been.

The not really married man (I should just call him P) and I are no longer together. I broke things off this week. It's not been a completely clean break, I miss him horribly and I can't seem to walk away without any contact but he's been super strong about not giving me what I want. HA! What I mean by that is, he knows I need/want/deserve more than he can give me...he knows it. So he's being the strong one and not allowing or giving in to our desires and whims to see each other. We had decided to take a couple of days apart to evaluate what we wanted and if this was working for us both. I didn't even wait a couple days, I called him the very next day and ended it. I know in my heart that he's not capable of giving me what I need...it's not that he doesn't want to and it's not that he may not be able to in the future, but for the moment he can't. I can't wait. We talked, we both cried, we promised each other that if circumstances changed we'd be the first respective person that the other would call, we promised to keep in touch and let the other know how we're doing (if something special/important happens)...we told each other how much we cared about each other. We said goodbye. It hurt like hell. We have an AWESOME relationship, we're strongly connected on so many levels, he makes me feel like the most amazing woman in the world, he makes me swoony and giggly and just fabulous....but he can't give me all of himself at this point. I understand it completely and I don't begrudge him. He has to take care of his kids and his circumstances. So we agreed to end our relationship. We've exchanged a couple texts over the past couple of days, mostly innocuous stuff, I was having a really tough time Thursday night and send him a text telling him that I was having a tough time. He admitted that he was missing me as well. That was all though, no other contact. I alternate between being ok with it and dying inside. It's toughest at night when I'm getting ready for bed. That was our time, I would crawl into bed, lights off and we'd talk until I was about to pass out. Then he'd wish me a good night and sweet dreams and we'd hang up as I quickly drifted off to sleep. That part of my bedtime ritual is no longer and it's taking a bit to get used to that.

So at this point I'm unattached, I don't have *any* profiles on *any* dating sites, I've deleted all of them. In some ways it feels a bit unnerving, like I don't have that safety net, the potential around the corner...but it's also forcing me/allowing me to focus on me and my life and future.

Today I am working on updating my resume and beginning the hunt for a new job. I know there isn't much out there but I need to do something so I'm giving it my best shot. I'm also going to meet with a tech school admissions counselor on Tuesday to discuss attending school. I want to get my degree. I've started and stopped more times than I can count and I need to do this for me and for Bug. So if all goes well and I can figure out a way to secure finances I'll be attending school within the next few months. Go me!

So while I feel like I'm meandering along this path called life, I do have some focus and a loosely made plan to improve my life and Bugs. Wish me luck!