Not as strong as I claim to be...

Cali called me last night. Oh boy where do I start. He's had some major issues come up in his life, things that are really difficult to deal with and knowing him and how he handles stress it's overwhelming to say the least. We talked for a long time..about us, his life, my life, everything. I flat out asked him, "Do you want me in your life or not? If you do say so and give me something to hold onto. If you don't, don't ask me to wait around...just let me go so I can move on." He broke down into tears...first time I've EVER seen or heard him cry. Told me that he wants me in his life more than anything but he is so confused and overwhelmed with things at home and at work that he doesn't even know how or where to begin to rebuild *us*. I understand that to a point. He's definitely someone who internalizes stress and problems..doesn't want to talk about them. We talked a bit more and I told him that I do want to be there for him and be with him but I can't do that unless he lets me. He understood where I was coming from. Told me that he thinks about me every day and has actually gone so far as to begin to pick up the phone to call but has so much on his mind that he gets overwhelmed. He said that he misses me and can't stop thinking about being with me, so much so that it hurts. He asked how things were going with me and apologized for not *being there* for me when I need him. I know him well enough that I can tell when he's stressed and preoccupied with something and it was glaringly obvious on the phone last night. He sounded exhausted - mentally, physically, and emotionally. This entire situation has really taken it's toll on him and his health. I told him that I wished I could be there to just hold him and he started to cry even harder. Told me that he wants that very same thing. He had to go pick up dinner so we ended our call, but not before he actually promised that he will call me next week so that we can talk more. He said he wants to know what is going on with me and be there for me as best as he can.

I don't know...I just don't know. Logically I know that it's not an ideal situation or relationship but Good Lord I care so much about him. As soon as I heard his voice a part of me just melted...I felt the way I do every time he calls. Took me back to the time when all I wanted was to be with him, holding him, loving him. There is a very large part of me that still wants that and is right back there now. What am I doing!?!?!?! Don't answer that...lol.

I know that this isn't the smartest move or the best choice but I simply cannot walk away completely. Not yet...there is something that continues to pull me back in. I don't know the answer and at times I don't even know the question...all I do know is that I'm unable to completely walk away from him. Wish me luck cuz I know that I am going to need it.