Doing a bit of soul searching...

I have been struggling of late as to what to do with this blog. I feel like my purpose for this blog - to process and get through all the raw emotions and thoughts that were crowding my head and heart throughout the struggles and ultimate demise of my marriage - has been exhausted. I'm divorced now, while my relationship with JD is not without stress and um...bullshit, it's not nearly as volatile or stressful as it was, we're simply ex-spouses now, I'm not embroiled in a ridiculously dead-ended relationship any longer, I'm so incredibly lucky to have K in my life, we're happy, the depression has subsided - perhaps even disappeared completely. In any case, for the most part, save hoping for that small box of $20 bills things are pretty damned good. What to blog about? I'm finding that I'm coming up empty more than not. I don't have all that many readers that I know of...so my departure from the blogging world most probably wouldn't leave much of a void. I'm ok with that, really I am. I didn't start this blog to win a popularity contest, nor did I start it to gain friends. I did it never even imagining that *anyone* else would care to read it. It was merely my own personal (I thought private...hehe...silly me) diary to spill my guts. I'm not closing up shop just yet but my posting frequency has definitely been lacking recently. I'll post as the mood strikes me...

I was having a conversation with a friend today and we were talking about friendship and how they evolve over time. I have learned a lot about myself through the friendships I've made, maintained, and let go of. 2-3 years ago if a friendship was going sour I'd immediately begin to look at what *I* did wrong, and agonize over how I could make things right...as if I was the sole driving force to make or break the relationship. In many cases, instead of fixing things, I'd walk away...regretting that days/weeks/months later but not having the strength or self confidence to admit it and attempt to rebuild that friendship. Now that I've started to figure out who I am and gained a bit more confidence (although I still have a distance to go), I do immediately look inside myself to see what *I* could have done wrong and/or what I could have done differently to prevent the riff or problem in the friendship. I am brutally honest with myself and when I realize that I've said or done something to cause the problem, I will do what I can to smooth ruffled feathers. But now instead of agonizing over the disagreement and going to great lengths to "make things right" even when *I* don't have the control to do that...I do what I CAN do and leave it up to the other party. I realized that I can't make everyone like me, nor will everyone agree with me. That's ok. I also realized that when "wronged", some people will NEVER get over it and will never truly forgive. I can't do anything to change that, all I can do is realize it and accept that the friendship was most probably not the healthiest or best for me to begin with. We make mistakes...some people are friends forever, some not - one is not necessarily better than the other. It's sad that it took me 40 some years to realize it but at least I figured it out now. I'm grateful for true friends...I can count them on one hand and that's ok.