Tuesday? But it feels like Monday!

I can never remember what day it is after a holiday where JD has been off work. So today feels like a Monday but it's really Tuesday. No matter, nothing exciting. I'm off work for two weeks, Bug is off school. So we're hanging in our sweats or PJs for the most part. He's been playing with some of his Christmas haul this morning and I've been enjoying my new iLive stereo. Yeah babay!! Now he's watching Blue's Clues and I'm chilling out. I have laundry going, dishes run, and I'm chatting with E via IM, so life is pretty good. For the most part my house is still clean from having company over and I am hoping to keep it that way. Yeah right, give it 3 days.

JD and I have a counseling appt. this week and I'm dreading it, big surprise! My heart is just not into it and I really need to start focusing on trying to work through this stuff, for Bug. If he wasn't in my life this decision would be quite easy, but he is here so I need to weigh all decisions based on multiple factors. This sucks!!

I am so happy to be over with Christmas and to know that January is right around the corner that I actually updated all my calendars to January. How bad is that? I am ready to take down the Christmas tree and the handful of decorations that I actually put up. My house is usually decorated out of control but not this year. It took all I had to put up our tree. I did it for two reasons, the main being Bug. The other was that Cali and I agreed to put our trees up on the same night and that every time we put a red ornament on the tree as well as the tree topper, to think of each other. Yeah I know it's totally 5th grade but in some way it made putting the tree up a little more fun. To think of him and know that he was doing the same thing I was at that time.

I am not feeling too good about hearing from Cali today. I have a gut feeling he'll be ready or able to call me when I won't be free. Bleh...long distance affairs really suck! Winter Break sucks even more!! Part of me is pissy that he can't manage to find a way to get away to call me. The immature, juvenile part of me keeps thinking that if he truly loved me he'd make a way to call me more often. Blah blah blah.

Something that is on my mind and I have had trouble processing it internally so I feel like I need to toss it out there. Hopefully putting it in words will help. I don't know. Cali insists that his relationship with the wife is very much like a roommate situation. They live in the same house, they rarely if ever sleep in the same bed, and unless it has to do with the kids directly they don't do things together. They argue about everything, she's always miserable and angry. She never cooks, she doesn't care about things around the house, etc. Yet he is always worried about what she thinks and how something he is thinking of doing will affect her. Like the whole conversation about us getting together next month. HE mentioned that we should plan something for Valentine's Day and when I asked if he would be able to get away he said, "Well not on Valentine's Day. That would never fly." So my question is, if your relationship is one of less than *love*, why would she care if he was gone for V Day and consequently why would HE care? I don't get that. When I question it he gets defensive and won't give me a straight answer. He has ALWAYS presented their relationship in the "roommate" light so it's not like I was upset that he was getting along with her or something and he started to tell me differently. To be honest, I would rather he tell me that they get along, have sex, etc. Then I at least would feel that he's being truthful and would be allowed to deal with the information in my own way. No, I wouldn't like knowing that he's having sex with her, etc but I signed on for this when we met. I knew he was married and it's something I need to accept at this point. I have no right to make demands on him to change that, however, I would rather he not lie to "save" my feelings. I understand that he's not completely ready to walk from his marriage, he has said that to me and I'm ok with that. But I feel like I'm getting conflicting information. I wasn't asking him to leave his family for Christmas or another *family* holiday, this was Valentine's Day and HE brought it up, not me. I just don't get it. It just adds to my level of insecurity because I feel that he's not being totally upfront with me. Of course, my insecurity and doubt is magnified when we haven't had contact recently...like now. I keep thinking about the things that I'm not 100% confident about and then I start to feel that he's not being truthful. Then he'll call me and I hit him with all these questions about the situation and ask for explanations. He feels overwhelmed and then gets defensive. It's an ugly vicious circle but I don't know how else to deal with it. He has yet to give me a straight answer, or maybe he hasn't given me an answer that I'm satisfied with? I don't know...I just don't know.