Blah Fuckity Blah

I'm just feeling pretty crappy right now. The day started out majorly fabulous. Woke up and got a lot of stuff accomplished around the house. Was feeling pretty good with the way things were going, Cali called we chatted while he drove to the office. It was going to be a good day....yeah right!! Had an appt. to get my hair beautified. Went to get my hair taken care of, spent a ton of money on girly goodies. As I was leaving the salon Cali called. The first words out of his mouth...."I have some really bad news". Held my breath and asked him what the bad news was. He has an important meeting to attend...on... the evening is he scheduled to arrive here!! Oh Fanflippintastic!! I couldn't talk...I had nothing to say. I was speechless and heartbroken and frustrated. He doesn't have any control over when these meetings are scheduled. Most of them do take place in the evening and he is at the whim of the powers that be but did they have to choose that night?!?!?! Bleh. We talked about it a bit and he said that he does have one option, another planner in his office may be able to take the meeting for him but he won't know until tomorrow. I guess worse case scenario he'll move his trip to the following week. So it's not totally lost. But the insecurity in me wonders if he's having second thoughts or if he never intended to come to see me. Then I was talking to a "friend" about the situation and he said that Cali is getting cold feet and probably isn't going to come visit. Gee thanks, pal. So now I'm second guessing everything again. I hate insecurity!!

JD and I had a counseling appt. tonight. Cali and I texted a couple times as I was on my way to the meeting. I told him that I was worried that he was having second thoughts and he insisted that it totally wasn't the case. I had told him that I really was hoping we could talk after this counseling session. When I texted him afterwards he responded back telling me that he was unavailable but insisted that he was not getting cold feet. I really needed to talk to him...because of the news of this meeting he has to attend, and after dealing with this marriage counseling session...and he couldn't manage it. I know I know, he's got a family, yadda yadda...and I know I signed on for this when I started this relationship. It still doesn't make it easy and it doesn't make me feel any better. I really NEEDED to talk to him tonight and he couldn't swing it...for whatever reason, he never gave me one. I got snarky with him and responded with a couple one liners that I didn't know if he really cared. Then I told him that I was giving up and heading out to have some drinks tonight. I knew that would set him off. He gets very upset when he knows I've been out and drinking. Not due to jealousy, but purely because he worries and doesn't want anything to happen. I think I said it to see what his reaction would be. He texted me a couple more times begging me not to go out and insisting that jumping to a conclusion like this and deciding to go out drinking was a mistake. I never said that I would or wouldn't go out. I left it alone. He sent me one last text asking me to please not go out tonight and to tell me that he had to go and couldn't text anymore but he'd call me tomorrow. Whatever...I think that part of my frustration is that I've allowed him to become a priority in my life. I do whatever I can to make sure he knows where I am so that we can keep on the same page and hopefully talk as often as possible. I also will adjust my schedule if it means I'll get to talk to him more. I think because of my efforts, he's not putting in much effort. He doesn't need to since I do it for him. I don't know how he does it....he's able to completely compartmentalize his feelings and relationships. Though I guess there is a possibility that he doesn't really manage to do that and I just don't see his struggle. I'm much more vocal about the difficulty of missing him and thinking about him....he does tell me on occasion but not as much as I discuss it. Does that mean he doesn't feel the same or that he doesn't mention it as often? He's much more a black and white kind of person, where I see all the shades of grey as well. Things are what they are for him....I always see the other options and what could have been, etc. I hate that about myself.

I'm going to lunch with my niece tomorrow and looking forward to getting out for a little while. Bug's night light that he's had since he was an INFANT finally burnt out, so I'm hoping to pick up another lamp to replace it. He was *so* upset that his night light burnt out, poor little guy. :(

I think I need to start doing things for myself and not holding on waiting for Cali. He's 1700 miles away and quite honestly I could end up sitting here alone. I have to realize that we may not work out, we may never be together, he may be changing his mind. Lots of very real possibilities. So I have to be realistic and protect myself. Is that horrible that I'm not putting so much faith in our relationship? Or is it smart? I dunno but I do know that I don't want to be left standing alone with nothing. Also, I realized that when I step back and don't allow myself to be so *available* Cali tends to come out of the woodwork and make a more concerted effort to keep in touch and maintain our relationship. So I think I'm going to step back a bit....see what happens. I need to protect myself.

Ok I've had too much to drink and I need to get some sleep. Drama's going nite nite.