Gut Feelings

My gut feelings have always been pretty strong and reliable. Any time I have a hunch about someone or something, 99.9% of the time it definitely comes to be true. Is that karma or am I just good at reading the situation? I dunno but in this current case I wish I was dead wrong. But I'm not.

Cali isn't coming....he gave some lame ass excuse about the weather and that's that. I feel deceived, lied to, and over all dumped. He's insistent that he will come out in March since the weather will be better, blah blah, yeah whatever. Then he tossed out the, "Why don't you just come here since the weather here is so much nicer, etc." I'm pissed and hurt. Hurt that he doesn't want to see me enough to make that effort. Pissed and hurt that he has had this trip planned for almost TWO months now and he waits until two weeks before to change his mind. After all the plans we've made and all the hoops I've jumped through to make this happen. We had planned for me to go to see him in February but part of me really doesn't want to go. This whole cancellation is just another issue in our relationship. Another point where he's let me down or made me question his true intentions. I just don't know. Why do I settle for this? Why am I willing to accept someone who isn't totally there for me? Is this all I deserve? Am I overreacting? I talked to a very close friend this morning about the situation. I can always rely on him to offer me the dead honest truth without any fancy words or flowers. He flat out told me that there are a ton of red flags he sees in this relationship. He's concerned and thinks I need to end things with Cali. He doesn't like the way he tries to manipulate me with emotions and stuff. I see what he's saying and I know he's right. It's just so much easier said than done. I have been alternating between crying and beginning to mourn the death of this relationship and trying to figure out a way to fix it. It's not pretty by any stretch and I wish I could take a trip for a day or two to just think. Alone, with nobody around. But I have Bug and I start back to work this week so I don't have that luxury. Talk about fucked up timing. Things are NEVER easy in my life...it's not allowed I think.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel sad, angry, lost, alone, lonely, hurt, ugly, depressed....just about every horrible emotion there is. The last month of my life has totally and completely revolved around Cali and our plans to be together. Now that has been blown out of the friggin' water and I'm heartbroken. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. The most frustrating part is that Cali doesn't understand why it's a big deal. He keeps saying, "But you'll come out here in February and I'll be there in March." Blah fuck you blah. Like that solves all the pain and hurt I'm feeling. Whatever.

I keep going back and forth between wanting to make the trip in February to meet him finally and be able to make decisions and not keep asking "what if". But part of me wants to run in the other direction and let him come after me for once. I think in my heart of hearts I know that he won't come after me....so I'm afraid to run. How fucked up is that?

Yeah I have issues.