Been to Hell and Back...It's Warm There

So much has happened since I last posted. Good grief, where do I start? Things with Cali are back on the upswing. We had a rough weekend, I was depressed and slept a good portion of it. I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything so I feigned feeling ill and lounged on the couch most of the weekend. He called me Saturday evening and we talked for a long time. I told him how much I was hurting and while he still doesn't quite *get it* he did apologize for hurting me. I still don't understand how he can so easily cancel the plans that we had made and be ok with it. I don't know if it's a guy thing or him. In either case, we talked a lot and I'm going to make the trip in February. He's flying me out there the week before Valentine's Day for 4 days. We'll be together completely the entire time. I've had some issues with his level of honesty and some things that I wasn't 100% sure he was being straight about. Most of it personal information and details. I have had this hunch that he wasn't being honest yet he kept INSISTING that he was not withholding things. I did some background research and found the answers I needed. I confronted him with the info I had and he came clean. Admitted it all to me. I was hurt but also relieved that he finally decided to be straight with me. He said he was afraid that if I found these things out I wouldn't care about him anymore...and he was afraid of losing me. In a way, the revelations could have potentially affected us but I had already made the decision that either way it didn't matter. The honesty was the issue. Our relationship has become a bit stronger for the revelations and the discussion(s) we ended up having due to that. I know I'm happier, he's commented that he can tell my outlook has changed. I can't expect 100% honesty if I'm not capable of giving it at this point. We haven't even met yet, so until that happens part of our relationship is kind of out there in "limbo" I suppose. That's ok, I'm able to accept what we have at this point and work with it. I enjoy spending time talking to him, we laugh, we do care about each other...and he makes me happy. All I can really ask for at this time. He called me this morning as he was heading into the office and then again when he took a break from the meetings. It's been a tough day for him at work and I wish I could be there to help destress him. *wink* But we did have a nice chat about us and how difficult it is at times to be apart and manage family and work. I told him that it's tough for me to separate things and I sometimes feel that he has a much easier time dealing with the times when we can't talk. It's almost as if things are either black or white with him. And if we can't talk or have any contact, oh well, that's life, it's just how it is. I on the other hand struggle with missing him and wishing we had more chances to be in touch. He corrected me and told me that he struggles with it on a daily basis and that even tho his text messages or voice mails may not be terribly vocal or demonstrative of how much he's struggling, he's constantly thinking and trying to figure out ways for us to talk/spend time together more. That was good to know, because I truly didn't think he struggled as much as I did. Not that I want him to struggle or have a hard time, but knowing he's feeling the same emptiness or lack of contact makes it a teeny tiny bit easier to deal with. I'm not alone, so to speak.

JD and I are still doing the faux counseling thing. My heart is totally not into it and I've found myself daydreaming about my trip to see Cali as well as how I'd like to jump up during the session and yell that I'm done and want out, complete with big dramatic exit. Instead I sit there staring at the wall, trying to avoid eye contact, hoping that the counselor won't call me on my inattentiveness. I think she's got an idea that I don't want to be there but she hasn't confronted me or said anything. My counselor told me that most times they will approach you to ask if there is anyone else you are involved with, etc. That's never happened with us in any of the counseling situations we've been in and I don't know if this one will get to that point either. I don't know how I'd respond or handle it. I try to participate enough but my heart is just not in it. I'm trying to make this work but I can't bring myself to do it. I.Just.Can't.Do.It. JD isn't a horrible guy, he's really a nice guy with a good heart, but he's purely clueless and immature. He's done so many things that make me scratch my head and in some instances have cost us a fair amount of money due to his lack of common sense and responsibility. I'm so frustrated by that and I don't know if I can get past it. One thing by itself wouldn't be a big deal, but all these issues packed in together and they become a big deal. Eh I don't want to think about that anymore.

That's about all the happenings in the Drama Household. Still as ridiculous and crazy as ever.

Oh, I'm also contemplating getting a tattoo. Something small, cute, and sweet. I've always been anti tattoo but now I keep thinking about it. Hmmmm