Bleh....Long Distance SUCKS Monkey Balls...
That's about how I feel right now. I was doing really well but for a variety of reasons I'm just feeling bleh now.
Wednesday I had a chiropractor's appointment and then took Bug out to lunch since he was so good during his adjustment. Came home and did pretty much NOTHING for the rest of the day. We had plans to take Bug to a kids event nearby for the evening and I really wanted to get to the gym. So when JD got home I ran out to the gym for a quick workout before coming home to get ready to take Bug out. Bug had an absolute blast at the event and I was so happy that I got to share it with him.
Cali called me during the day and we chatted about the hotel info and such. It was a good conversation. Then he called again as I was heading home from the gym. We had an awesome conversation about our time together and what we'd like to see happen differently when we're together in 4 weeks. I can happily report that we are both very much on the same page with things. YAY It was just an all around great conversation, we had a bit of a heart to heart about our relationship and other things. It was very sweet. He told me to text him when we got out of the show so that he'd know it was ok to call if he got a chance. He didn't want to interrupt my time with Bug. So as soon as we were done with the event I texted him to let him know that we were done. He ended up calling about 45 minutes later as he had gone out to run an errand. Another really sweet conversation, albeit a little brief, which was fine. He told me he'd call me in the morning as he had to go into the office early.
I had to work today so I got up fairly early, got Bug ready for school, ran an errand and then headed to work after dropping Bug off at school. Since Cali said he had to be at work early and was going to call me beforehand I assumed he'd call as I arrived at work or just before. Nope, no phone call. Finally late in the afternoon I got a text from him saying he missed me. I replied back but got no response. I knew he was going to be working on a stressful project today so I didn't think twice about it really. I tried to call his cell later but it went directly to voice mail which meant he had his phone off. Not too sure what that meant since it's his work phone and he usually keeps it on during the day. Then about 3 hours later I got another text from him. Again I replied with no response back. I was at the gym at the time so I went to finish my workout and then head home. Made dinner fully expecting to hear from him any minute since it would have been 5-6pm at that time. Nope, no call. I texted him later worried that something had happened, since it's not like him to not call at lunch or some other moment of the day when he gets a break. No response....and again his cell was off. Just now he responded to one of the texts that I sent him FOUR hours ago. I asked if everything was ok....that I was worried. He replied, "Yep, I'm at home. Talk tomorrow." WTF??? So he couldn't manage to at least call me on his way home to let me know that he was ok? I just don't get it. I realize that he has a stressful project he's working on but he normally uses his drive home to call me and kind of destress and talk about it. What happened tonight? Not to mention the fact that we didn't talk AT ALL today. He promised a phone call and I got nothing. I'm more than slightly ticked off. And the fact that his last text was so casual, like yeah I'm fine...why are you worried. Well maybe because you didn't bother to call me as you said you would. This is the very first time he's ever promised to call and not done it. I am just hurt and angry right now. I realize he has a life and I realize that he had this project to work on today but geez, did you not have two seconds to call me? I dunno, I just feel really let down at this point. I know that I probably shouldn't but dammit I do, and I can't help it. I'm sure I'll get some half-assed excuse as to why he couldn't spare two minutes and quite honestly I'm sure he called her which further brings to light the fact that I'm not that important in his life. Whatever....it just really hurts.
It all boils down to the fact that I find myself automatically making him a priority but I don't seem to be afforded the same courtesy. I guess that's the part that hurts. I don't know....am I overreacting? Is he making as much of an effort as he possibly can or am I not a priority. I don't feel like a priority but then again some times I do. This long distance crap really sucks, add in the fact that neither of us are completely *free* and it's that much worse. Bleh. I'd really like to go to bed but I have some damn laundry to finish up so I can't just crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It's times like this that I find myself getting angry at him and wanted to end it....or not answer his calls tomorrow, to let him see how it feels to make the effort and not be able to get me. But I'm so freakin' weak and I'll break down. As soon as I see his photo come up on my cell phone and hear *his* ring, I lose all resolve. The only way to combat it would be to turn off my phone...but I know I won't be able to bring myself to do that. I'm too weak. This totally sucks. Also, if he didn't get in touch with me, he wouldn't think much of it or be bothered by it. His attitude is such that he'd call, leave a message and go on with his day...if we talked we talked...otherwise no big deal. Of course, tomorrow is Friday which means the weekend is almost here. That means less contact over the weekend AND JD is on vacation next week which will severely limit our phone time as well. THIS SUCKS. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. This relationship has the highest damn highs and the lowest lows. I can't stand it.
Ok I'm going to fold my laundry and go crawl under the covers. Stick a fork in me, I am D.O.N.E...
Wednesday I had a chiropractor's appointment and then took Bug out to lunch since he was so good during his adjustment. Came home and did pretty much NOTHING for the rest of the day. We had plans to take Bug to a kids event nearby for the evening and I really wanted to get to the gym. So when JD got home I ran out to the gym for a quick workout before coming home to get ready to take Bug out. Bug had an absolute blast at the event and I was so happy that I got to share it with him.
Cali called me during the day and we chatted about the hotel info and such. It was a good conversation. Then he called again as I was heading home from the gym. We had an awesome conversation about our time together and what we'd like to see happen differently when we're together in 4 weeks. I can happily report that we are both very much on the same page with things. YAY It was just an all around great conversation, we had a bit of a heart to heart about our relationship and other things. It was very sweet. He told me to text him when we got out of the show so that he'd know it was ok to call if he got a chance. He didn't want to interrupt my time with Bug. So as soon as we were done with the event I texted him to let him know that we were done. He ended up calling about 45 minutes later as he had gone out to run an errand. Another really sweet conversation, albeit a little brief, which was fine. He told me he'd call me in the morning as he had to go into the office early.
I had to work today so I got up fairly early, got Bug ready for school, ran an errand and then headed to work after dropping Bug off at school. Since Cali said he had to be at work early and was going to call me beforehand I assumed he'd call as I arrived at work or just before. Nope, no phone call. Finally late in the afternoon I got a text from him saying he missed me. I replied back but got no response. I knew he was going to be working on a stressful project today so I didn't think twice about it really. I tried to call his cell later but it went directly to voice mail which meant he had his phone off. Not too sure what that meant since it's his work phone and he usually keeps it on during the day. Then about 3 hours later I got another text from him. Again I replied with no response back. I was at the gym at the time so I went to finish my workout and then head home. Made dinner fully expecting to hear from him any minute since it would have been 5-6pm at that time. Nope, no call. I texted him later worried that something had happened, since it's not like him to not call at lunch or some other moment of the day when he gets a break. No response....and again his cell was off. Just now he responded to one of the texts that I sent him FOUR hours ago. I asked if everything was ok....that I was worried. He replied, "Yep, I'm at home. Talk tomorrow." WTF??? So he couldn't manage to at least call me on his way home to let me know that he was ok? I just don't get it. I realize that he has a stressful project he's working on but he normally uses his drive home to call me and kind of destress and talk about it. What happened tonight? Not to mention the fact that we didn't talk AT ALL today. He promised a phone call and I got nothing. I'm more than slightly ticked off. And the fact that his last text was so casual, like yeah I'm fine...why are you worried. Well maybe because you didn't bother to call me as you said you would. This is the very first time he's ever promised to call and not done it. I am just hurt and angry right now. I realize he has a life and I realize that he had this project to work on today but geez, did you not have two seconds to call me? I dunno, I just feel really let down at this point. I know that I probably shouldn't but dammit I do, and I can't help it. I'm sure I'll get some half-assed excuse as to why he couldn't spare two minutes and quite honestly I'm sure he called her which further brings to light the fact that I'm not that important in his life. Whatever....it just really hurts.
It all boils down to the fact that I find myself automatically making him a priority but I don't seem to be afforded the same courtesy. I guess that's the part that hurts. I don't know....am I overreacting? Is he making as much of an effort as he possibly can or am I not a priority. I don't feel like a priority but then again some times I do. This long distance crap really sucks, add in the fact that neither of us are completely *free* and it's that much worse. Bleh. I'd really like to go to bed but I have some damn laundry to finish up so I can't just crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It's times like this that I find myself getting angry at him and wanted to end it....or not answer his calls tomorrow, to let him see how it feels to make the effort and not be able to get me. But I'm so freakin' weak and I'll break down. As soon as I see his photo come up on my cell phone and hear *his* ring, I lose all resolve. The only way to combat it would be to turn off my phone...but I know I won't be able to bring myself to do that. I'm too weak. This totally sucks. Also, if he didn't get in touch with me, he wouldn't think much of it or be bothered by it. His attitude is such that he'd call, leave a message and go on with his day...if we talked we talked...otherwise no big deal. Of course, tomorrow is Friday which means the weekend is almost here. That means less contact over the weekend AND JD is on vacation next week which will severely limit our phone time as well. THIS SUCKS. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. This relationship has the highest damn highs and the lowest lows. I can't stand it.
Ok I'm going to fold my laundry and go crawl under the covers. Stick a fork in me, I am D.O.N.E...
8 comments:
I think you need to lower your expectations a bit in re: Cali just so you don't get disappointed and if things are better than expected than it is just that much better
also, although you think you know someone, sometimes you don't, so be careful before you put your heart out there so quickly. He is still married and juggling a job and two women takes up a lot of time
I don't mean any of this in a mean way, just a new perspective
Cassee01 -
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your comments and see exactly what you are saying. I think my emotions get the best of me at times and the rational thinking gets lost in the fray. You are right though. I just called him and left a voice mail apologizing for my snarky message from last night. The last thing I want to do is add to the already overloaded level of stress he's dealing with.
Drama
I have been where you are and it is hard not knowing what is really happening. Don;t assume the worst though. Try whenever possible to give the benefit of the doubt and realize that until you both are free that there will always be a challenge to both your priorities.
Thanks for that comment, FL. I am trying very hard to be patient. Yet again today I got two text messages and then another telling me he was at home and missed me. What makes it that much more difficult is that it's now the weekend which limits are contact DRASTICALLY. I'm not terribly hopeful of hearing from him this weekend but we shall see. Thanks for stopping by.
Drama
I know you might not want to hear this but I think you need to take a step back. Now I am not saying that you 2 do not have feelings for each other.....but you ar in two different states, and have 2 different lives. The only way that you are part of each other's life is through phone and email. He and you are both struggling with spouses and other things. It is so hard to know what someone feel when there is so much physical distance between you. Enjoy the feelings....enjoy the phone calls...enjoy your meetings when you do get together.....but don't get hurt by this. You have to look out for yourself. Step back and breathe....and enjoy it for what it is right now. :)
I appreciate your comments, Chelle. I know I need to step back. I find myself getting very emotional about the situation and I tend to over worry when things are a little disconnected. I keep trying to remind myself to just enjoy our time together (whether on the phone or in person) and not overanalyze the rest. He does tend to keep me more centered since he sees things pretty much black and white. He doesn't stress about the relationship and I try to take his cues, as far as he's concerned, everything is great until one of us says otherwise. I see it as a problem until I hear otherwise. Ugh, I'm a mess.
You are not a mess....you are human!! You have a lot of emotions going on right now. Hang in there.....you have lots of people who care :)
Thank you for that, Chelle. You have no idea how much your comments help. I'm feeling a bit better today. Of course, that has to do with the fact that I heard from Cali and we've reconnected. One day at a time.
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