Random Ramblings...

Finally a little time to myself! JD is on vacation this week and I feel like a Siamese twin. From the moment my eyes open in the morning he's in my face asking what I plan to do when, where I'm going, what time is lunch (this at 8am in the morning), what am I making for dinner, etc. Every day is filled with questions of what am I going to do and what are *we* going to do, etc. I don't work that way when I'm home alone. I mean I have a general schedule of what I need to get done, but I don't micromanage when and how things will get accomplished. I just know that by the time I go to bed that night, the things on my mental "must do" list will be checked off. Simple as that. So it's been stressful to say the least. I've made more than my share of trips to the store this week just to get some breathing room and semi alone time.

Poor Bug is really sick. After having JD's family over this past weekend and finding out that his nephew was sick with the flu (and his rocket scientist brother drug the kid out and to our house with a fever and stomach problems), now Bug has it. On Wednesday night we went out to dinner and Bug complained of not feeling good. Just as we were nearly finished with dinner, he managed to vomit at the table. Bleh. I moved quickly and was able to take care of things without any adverse affect to anyone dining around us, in fact we swooped him up and out of there so quickly I don't think anyone around us even knew what had happened. Thank goodness. He's been running a fever on and off since then and pretty much just lounging around all day. He's still sleeping right now but he was up a couple times during the night so I'm glad he's getting some much needed rest now. I'm feeling better so hopefully whatever crud I had has moved on to it's next victim!

Things with Cali are fantabulous. In my last post I mentioned that I was waiting up for him to call as he was working very late. Well after that post I waited up a bit longer and then tried to call him to find his cell phone off. That hopefully meant he was home and in bed. I was upset because here I sat up most of the night waiting to make sure he got home safely. I realize he's a big boy and can manage on his own but he's been working a LOT of hours lately and has been pretty exhausted. So I worry that something could happen on his drive home when he's so tired. I had expressly asked him to just call or text me to let me know he was either on his way home or safely home. I got nothing. So the following morning we had a long conversation about the situation. I explained to him that I didn't think I was asking for a lot. I do worry about him and just wanted a quick call or text so that I know he's ok. Just as he asks me for when I'm out for the night. He tossed back that I didn't understand how stressed he was and how difficult this job situation had become. I *do* get it and I do understand how stressful it is...which is a big part of why I was concerned. I know that he's really overwhelmed with all this work and the large number of hours he's putting in. It's exhausting for him especially since he's not used to that level of stress in his job. Since I'm 1800 miles away I can't readily make sure he's ok or help him. I feel as if my hands are tied. I ended up crying as we talked and he did apologize for not thinking about my feelings and calling. That's all I wanted....just to know he's safe. While I'd *love* to talk to him all the time, it's much more important that he's ok and getting the rest he needs to continue doing this job. I told him that if he doesn't think he'll be able to call, don't say he's going to call. I'd rather he say that he'll try instead of I definitely will. Since then he's been awesome. He calls when he says he's going to so I don't feel like I'm left worrying and wondering if he's still stuck at the office at some ridiculously late hour. Yesterday we talked 3 or 4 times with one of the conversations lasting over an hour. I can't remember the last time we had such an extended conversation. The last time was definitely before I went to Cali in February so it was a welcome change. We talked about everything under the sun...our upcoming time together, our favorite movies and tv shows, work, things going on in our lives, we laughed and joked, everything. It was really so nice and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it feels and how connected I feel to him at this moment.

I have come to the realization that I just need to calm down when it comes to worrying about Cali. Big surprise, huh? LOL This past week, after discussing with him the issues surrounding scheduling and such, he's made a tremendous change in how he does things. He knows that I worry and he's making sure to help alleviate those worries by keeping in touch, etc. I have a hard time believing that someone would care enough about me and my feelings, that I would be worthy of their love and consideration. This week I was thinking about Cali and it hit me that he has made such efforts to make sure I am happy in whatever capacity he is capable of providing. I am so grateful for that. When there is a problem or issue that I discuss with him, he will listen to me, we discuss it, and if it's in his realm of ability he makes the changes or adjustment for me. I have always done the same for him and it *finally* occurred to me that he's really doing it for me too. After re-reading the previous two lines, it sounds as if I'm trying to change him but that's totally not the case. I guess what I mean by that is that for Cali as I'd said before, he's a very "it is what it is" type of guy. He assumes all is well until he hears otherwise. I am the opposite. So we both have to learn how to accommodate the other's feelings. He does show concern in some instances...such as if the weather here is particularly nasty or if I'm out late with friends or go to the gym late. He also ends every call, if I'm out or heading out with "Drive careful, please.". But he also doesn't let things really worry or get to him. I do worry more than he does. So he's learning to be more proactive to help me feel secure and I'm learning to let some things go and not get so stressed about it all. We're helping each other and learning together. I love that. I love our communication

I met with my counselor this week and we talked a lot about the separation possibility. She asked me when I was going to make a decision and I told her that at this point I don't think it's a decision of *if* as much as when. I think I just need to figure out when and how to have the talk. She has suggested that I approach the subject in our couples counseling so that the counselor can mediate/assist us with the discussion. I really think this might be the best choice. Things disintegrate so quickly between JD and I that I can see the conversation getting mighty ugly. Now to decide when to bring it up. I may just wait to see how our next appt. goes and decide as it progresses. Who knows.

I have a health related issue that's weighing pretty heavily on my mind. I won't have an answer until Tuesday at the earliest so it's clouding my thoughts and making me edgy. It's not something I'm comfortable discussing, and me being the world class worrier I've imagined all kinds of horrendous scenarios so until Tuesday arrives I think I'm going to be a mess...well a bigger mess than normal!

Ok, Bug is finally up and I need to get him something to eat. Hopefully he can keep this in his system and start to feel better. Poor kiddo.

More later...