Rejection...perceived or reality?
Forgive me for the following, which may come across as rambling. Just some stuff swirling around in my head. Feel free to respond if you have input...or skip over it entirely if it doesn't interest you.
I've been thinking about rejection lately...is there such a thing as perceived rejection? When you feel rejected but in actuality it's probably in your mind/imagination? If you call someone and they don't return your call for one reason or another (family obligations, etc.) and you feel rejected....is it really rejection? Considering they may have had every desire to return the call but were unable to. They aren't consciously rejecting you, just that circumstances have intruded. Is it rejection when someone says they will do something and they don't follow through? Or is it simply just them being human and/or making a mistake? Is it rejection or just too high expectations? Does someone have the right to feel rejected when their expectations of another are not met? Is it perceived or reality?
If you tell someone you love them and they are unable or unwilling to return the sentiment, is that rejection? If someone tells you that they love you, what is the most appropriate response? If you're not sure if you love them...do you say thank you? Is that akin to let's just be friends?
I'm feeling a whole lot of emotions tonight. Some are really ripping me apart. I don't know what to make of it all...this whole weekend has been extremely difficult for me on many levels. I'm in tremendous turmoil over things and quite honestly I'm not sure what I should do or where I am going. Had a long heart to heart talk with my buddy BL last night and he really tried to kick some sense into me yet again. I know he's right...I know that in order to make some real decisions about my marriage I need to let Cali go. His exact words to me were, "You need to take a long vacation...from MEN". I know in my heart that my relationship with Cali is most probably not a forever thing...but I.CANNOT.LET.GO.....maybe someday, maybe it'll just go away on it's own. I was thinking that maybe if he just stopped contacting me I'd be able to let it go and walk away, but the thought of that makes me even crazier than the though of me actively ending things with him. He has a huge piece of my heart at this point and I get sick to my stomach thinking about him no longer in my life. But I also get sick to my stomach when I think about us being 1800 miles apart and knowing that there are so many areas of his life that I will never be a part of no matter what happens between us. I want to be able to experience every part of his life, to learn as much about him as I can...but I know that it's most probably never going to happen. That hurts just as much. I think that no matter what direction I go, I'm going to lose, plain and simple. Which direction will cause the least amount of pain? Is there a way to even know that before taking the trip? I don't think so.
I'm just feeling really sick to my stomach and pretty much worthless. I need to get Bug ready for bed. I think I might go to bed early myself.
Night everyone.
I've been thinking about rejection lately...is there such a thing as perceived rejection? When you feel rejected but in actuality it's probably in your mind/imagination? If you call someone and they don't return your call for one reason or another (family obligations, etc.) and you feel rejected....is it really rejection? Considering they may have had every desire to return the call but were unable to. They aren't consciously rejecting you, just that circumstances have intruded. Is it rejection when someone says they will do something and they don't follow through? Or is it simply just them being human and/or making a mistake? Is it rejection or just too high expectations? Does someone have the right to feel rejected when their expectations of another are not met? Is it perceived or reality?
If you tell someone you love them and they are unable or unwilling to return the sentiment, is that rejection? If someone tells you that they love you, what is the most appropriate response? If you're not sure if you love them...do you say thank you? Is that akin to let's just be friends?
I'm feeling a whole lot of emotions tonight. Some are really ripping me apart. I don't know what to make of it all...this whole weekend has been extremely difficult for me on many levels. I'm in tremendous turmoil over things and quite honestly I'm not sure what I should do or where I am going. Had a long heart to heart talk with my buddy BL last night and he really tried to kick some sense into me yet again. I know he's right...I know that in order to make some real decisions about my marriage I need to let Cali go. His exact words to me were, "You need to take a long vacation...from MEN". I know in my heart that my relationship with Cali is most probably not a forever thing...but I.CANNOT.LET.GO.....maybe someday, maybe it'll just go away on it's own. I was thinking that maybe if he just stopped contacting me I'd be able to let it go and walk away, but the thought of that makes me even crazier than the though of me actively ending things with him. He has a huge piece of my heart at this point and I get sick to my stomach thinking about him no longer in my life. But I also get sick to my stomach when I think about us being 1800 miles apart and knowing that there are so many areas of his life that I will never be a part of no matter what happens between us. I want to be able to experience every part of his life, to learn as much about him as I can...but I know that it's most probably never going to happen. That hurts just as much. I think that no matter what direction I go, I'm going to lose, plain and simple. Which direction will cause the least amount of pain? Is there a way to even know that before taking the trip? I don't think so.
I'm just feeling really sick to my stomach and pretty much worthless. I need to get Bug ready for bed. I think I might go to bed early myself.
Night everyone.
12 comments:
Perceived rejection does absolutely exist, yes. The failure to respond to an email, the being told he can't speak right now and knowing why, the words unspoken, the images we create in our minds when these things happen.
I have fought and fought it...told myself to just love him, just love him. Because in reality that's all I can do. I can't go and kidnap him, I can't (right now) go and live near him, I can't have him right now.
But I'm not giving up and he's not giving up. We believe there is something between us that is so special and precious that noone and nothing will take it away, no matter how long it takes us to get to the reality of us being together.
I want to say to you, drama, don't give up, don't let physical distance be what comes between you. I believe that love doesn't come along very often in life...and in fact I'm in love for the first time ever...and we should grab it and hang onto it and do what we can to make it work.
Don't give up. But that's just me hon. If he is what you want and need, and you are what he wants and needs, you can work it out.
Thank you so much for that, Fiona. You have no idea how much it means to me to know that someone else *gets it*. I sometimes sit here thinking that I am completely and totally losing my mind and that there is no way in the world anyone would understand my thoughts. That maybe I am just being overemotional or too demanding. I struggle with the inner turmoil every second of the day...sometimes I can handle it and others it really gets the best of me. Today is one of those days. Two days of zero contact after three days of being together and being able to reach out and touch him whenever I chose to...it's a very hard adjustment to make. Thanks again.
Drama
I get where you are and can only offer that whatever you do, take good care of yourself during the journey. Also, maybe you don't need to have an answer right now - maybe you just need some time to think. But that will require action, so maybe that's the beginning of your answer.
Bottom line; life is hard at times.
You're in a touchy, tense situation. You can't reach out to Cali when you want to, and I'm guessing he's in a similar situation.
What it really boils down to is: does Cali really love you? Does Cali want to make a future life with you? Or is he simply enjoying the time you spend on the side while going back to his "other life" and enjoying that as well? If it's the latter - he's simply using you for his own benefit, and your friend is right in saying you need a vacation from him and from men in general. Otherwise, you're in a situation more like what Fiona mentioned - and it will take some degree of perseverance and patience to see it through to the end.
Either way, good luck.
I've emailed you....to continue this.
I could have written much of this post myself. I understand. Oh yes, I understand so very very much. No words of wisdom to offer. I wish I did have, but I don't. Just understanding. And hugs. Lots of hugs.
Anonymous Boxer - Thank you for your comments. I am trying to take care of myself but I'm not really good at loving myself first so it's a struggle. It's so much easier to take care of others.
Matt - It is a struggle for us both to reach out. Moreso for me to reach him as I'm pretty *reachable* at all times due to my current home situation.
I know he cares a great deal about me. We've talked about the *L* word and what it means to us both. We have both agreed that we don't want to let go of what we have together and neither of us is ready or able to walk away from our respective home situations due to various reasons. I don't know if *I* want to make a future with him...so I'm not pushing him for an answer. I do know how much I care about him and that in my fantasy world I would love to be with him forever. But realistically do I think we'd be a good fit? I don't know. Just don't know. I'm pretty confident that he isn't *enjoying* his other life. Things at home are tolerable at best for him...we've talked about that a great deal.
Thanks for your good thoughts. I appreciate it.
Trueself - Thank you for your good thoughts. It helps a lot to know I'm not alone, no matter how alone I may feel. It's so difficult when there is nobody IRL who you can turn to when you need to talk these things out. My friends BL is a help but he's on the other side of it and already been through it..so he's of the mindset, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.
Drama
Thanks Fiona. I got it and replied. Thank you so much.
Drama
You have to do what you believe will make you the most happy and will enable you to be there for those you love as well.
Thanks for stopping by, FL. It's a constant struggle and my concern for Bug drives much of my inner turmoil. I love him more than anything and I really want to do what's best for him to be happy and have a happy mom.
Drama
Most us of (women) aren't born knowing how to care of ourselves, but only how to take care of others. It's not a "bad" thing, but we need to teach ourselves that unless we're happy... well, no one is.
You're absolutely right, Anon Boxer. Growing up in a household with a mother who spent her entire life catering to the men of the household and subsequently is now spending her *golden years* in bitterness and anger didn't help either. I vowed years ago to not relive my mother's life....I need to keep reminding myself.
Drama
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