Stupid Insecurities....My Stupid Mouth

Ugh...I am so frustrated and upset with myself. Yesterday I didn't hear from Cali all day. He had said he would call me on his way into the office but I never got a phone call. My insecurities started to get the best of me and I started to imagine that he was trying to break away or that he had found someone else, which was the reason he was not calling me as he normally did first thing in the am. I should note that our contact of late has been rather spotty and while I still do hear from him on most days the level of contact has been pretty limited and *lacking* I guess. By the time he finally called very late last night, on his way home from the office (he had been at the office from early in the morning until well after 8pm) I was both relieved to hear from him and feeling pretty insecure. I told him that I missed him and he commented that work has been stressful because of month end stuff and projects that need to be finalized. I told him that I was glad to hear from him and then tossed out a casual, half joking, half serious, "I was starting to wonder if you had found someone else and had lost interest in me." He said, "Yeah my laptop...I've been having a mad love affair with it all day long." I should preface this by saying that the whole "Found someone else" comment has been something we've both said in a half joking manner to each other on occasions, so it's not rare for it to be uttered between us. I made yet another comment about him not wanting to talk to me anymore....cuz after all yanno I can't just shut my mouth and accept his explanation and be supportive of him considering I could hear the exhaustion in his voice throughout the entire conversation. As soon as the comment came out of my mouth he got very frustrated and while I can't even remember the exact words he used, the tone of his voice was one of upset, frustration, and a tiny bit of anger. A tone I had never heard from him and won't quickly forget. He had even mentioned that there was some serious issues at home with one of the kids and asked if we could talk about it tomorrow (today) because while he did want to discuss it with me he didn't have the energy to rehash it at that point. I should have gotten the hint that he just needed me to be there and support him. I immediately apologized for my comments and told him that I was simply teasing him....which was half true. He explained that he'd been at work for roughly 10 hours with no lunch or dinner breaks and he wasn't in any mood for any teasing. I felt like such a jerk. He needed me to be supportive and a sort of respite from his stress and instead I was trying to yank more out of him...thinking of my own insecurities, which obviously are completely unfounded and merely in my mind. I apologized numerous times but it was obvious by that point that he was wiped out and while he accepted my apology he was upset and frustrated with me. There was simply nothing I could do to make it better or fix it. I told him how much he means to me and that I never meant to add more stress to his life. He told me he knew that. He was wiped out and almost home so we said our goodbyes. He had an early meeting with a new client and said he'd try to call if he got all the logistics of the meeting settled early enough. I sent him a quick text message as soon as we hung up, again apologizing for my mouth and letting him know that I never wanted to add to his stress or frustration. He didn't respond but I kind of figured that he probably turned off his phone since he was going home and to bed. I ended up staying up for another 3 hours after our call ended because I kept replaying the conversation in my mind, feeling like such an idiot for opening my mouth and not being there for him as he needed me to be.

I woke up this am and realized that he would probably be on his way to his meeting so I called his cell phone in the hopes I would get him. He didn't answer..so I left a voice mail reiterating how badly I felt and letting him know that the entire incident was weighing on my mind. I told him that I hoped his meeting went well, that I knew it would because he's amazing at what he does and any client that contracts him is extremely lucky to have him on their team. I've seen him in action and he's incredibly focused and dedicated to his job...it's one of the things that I truly love about him. I ended the message by telling him that I hoped he'd call me when he had a chance today.

I wish I could take back that entire conversation....or at least be there with him when it happened so that I could have held him and apologized to him face to face. The tears keep welling up in my eyes as I think about how much I let him down last night. He has so much stress at home and work is really hectic and stressful as well. I tend to forget about that and focus on my own issues, which in this case are MY issues and really have zero to do with him or us. Talk about being selfish...::sigh:: I so want to be that release for him, the place that he can go to in order to feel safe and loved and relaxed. I want him to look forward to calling me, to be excited to see my phone number appear on his phone, not to feel that it's just another person that wants something from him or more stress to add to his already overloaded life. I want to be to him exactly what he is to me. I don't think I did too well on that quest last night. I just hope he's not too angry or frustrated with me and that I hear from him later. Knowing him and his amazingly huge heart I feel fairly confident that he will call and we'll work it out but there's always a small part of me that worries that he'll be frustrated enough to just walk away...that's my biggest fear. I think we're worth it...I know we are. I just hope he feels the same.

We had a conversation/discussion/argument last time we were together and I will never forget it. We had argued about something and my stupid insecurities came to the surface. As we were lying across the bed, he was at least an arms length away from me and as I attempted to reach towards him he made no move or motion to move closer to me. He said to me, "I care about you so much and love being with you but you make me crazy sometimes with your insecurities. I don't know how much of this I can take. It literally makes me nuts." We continued to talk for a while and finally he moved closer and we held each other for a long time. You'd think that I would have learned at that point that I need to work on my own insecurities...which in so many ways are completely unfounded. He has so much on his plate and I need to stop and take a deep breath and realize that while he has all these other things he has to deal with...he has CHOSEN to have me in his life. I don't want him to ever feel that I'm an obligation or another responsibility that he *has to* deal with. I want him to WANT to be with me, to enjoy our time together and to be happy he has chosen to include me in his life.

Just hope I get the chance to fix this....Only time will tell.