One week...
That's how long it's been since I posted anything. Life has been busy, a mix of good and bad but definitely busy!
I am doing pretty good mentally/emotionally, work is work. Nothing remarkable going on but I do know that if I go through with divorcing JD I will not be able to afford to remain at this job. I'll never be able to survive on the pay, despite the office being so incredibly close to home I really need to make more. I don't *love* my job, I like it ok but it's not where I want to be in the long term. I like some of the people I work with and I'm getting more comfortable in the environment but I don't know that I could be happy there for any length of time.
Things with Cali are over. It hasn't officially been declared dead but I haven't spoken to him in over a week. I decided last weekend that I was going to end things but wanted to do it *in person*, as in while on a live conversation and not via voice mail messages. Well he's not responding to messages so I'm just moving on. I'm not as upset about the fact that it's over, I think I knew that weeks ago and had come to terms with it. I'm upset that he's been able to walk away without so much as a discussion or explanation at all. Yes, I realize that there could possibly be some type of emergency going on but knowing Cali as I do, I am 99.9% sure he's just burying his head in the sand and hoping that things will fix themselves on their own. I did leave him a voice mail and a text today that I will not stop until he calls me. I feel that we need to have a discussion...*I* need some closure. For goodness sakes, we were *together* for the past 9 months and I invested a whole lot into him and this relationship. The very least he can give me is 5 minutes of his time. I think I deserve that. Part of me is somewhat angry and hurt but it's not shocking that he would do this. I think that deep in my heart I knew that he was never going to be able to be what I needed. I am not quite sure if its because he's just unable to be that man or if he just didn't want to be...in either case, I deserve so much more.
I had an appt. with my counselor last week and we discussed my future with JD and in general. I told her that my recent revelation, is that no matter whether I remain with JD or not, I will not settle for being anything less than #1 and only one in any relationship. I may never be in a another serious relationship or marriage and I'm ok with that BUT if the situation presents itself I will not allow myself to be anything less than treasured and valued totally and completely. I've never felt that I deserved that so I simply *settled* for whatever the man I was with could offer...but I know that I am worth more and I'm tired of short changing myself to accommodate the man I'm with. She applauded me...lol.
Bug and I are doing well. Friends have commented that we both look so much more relaxed and content now that JD and I are separated. I know that my stress level is reduced or maybe just changed. I don't have the stressors of dealing with him on a daily basis and I don't have to deal with the stress of wondering if he's going to step up to the responsibilities or will I need to step up and take care of things when he doesn't bother to do it. Now I know that *I* am solely responsible for things so I just get them done...no questions asked. So I do have the stress of taking care of things but it's all on me so it's easier to deal with. I'm not sure if that makes much sense.
I'm still dating a bit. In fact I had lunch last Sunday with a guy I met. He's funny, sweet, intelligent, mature, stable....and we had a THREE HOUR lunch. LOL We talked, ate, talked, laughed, joked around, talked....and before we knew it three hours had passed. He walked me out to my car, as I was parked next to him, and asked if it would be ok if he took me out this coming weekend. I told him that I'd love that. We talked for a few more minutes, he held my car door open for me, I got in...and we parted. No kiss, no hug, no groping...lol. I was thrilled and relieved. I drove home with a huge smile on my face...it just touched me that he was such a gentleman and the thought of getting to know him without the whole physical side cluttering it really is exciting....if that makes any sense. We've talked almost daily over the week, all of our conversations littered with laughter and enjoyable conversations. I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night! One day at a time...not picking out china patterns, lol, just enjoying having fun and getting to know him slowly.
I'm having fun hanging out with my girlfriends from work, etc. That's something I never could do with JD here and I never had any desire when I was with Cali...because if I was out and he called I might miss his call or something ridiculous like that. So I sat at home waiting....and waiting. Now I'm making up for lost time. I really need this right now.
That's about it for my life...things are slowly working out. I don't feel as stressed or manic with Cali out of my life. It's really kind of sad realizing that I allowed all that drama into my life...I LET him do this to me. I allowed him to treat me this way. What in the world was I thinking? Oh wait, I wasn't thinking....I did love him. I don't think he ever loved me though...in fact I'm sure of it now.
I am doing pretty good mentally/emotionally, work is work. Nothing remarkable going on but I do know that if I go through with divorcing JD I will not be able to afford to remain at this job. I'll never be able to survive on the pay, despite the office being so incredibly close to home I really need to make more. I don't *love* my job, I like it ok but it's not where I want to be in the long term. I like some of the people I work with and I'm getting more comfortable in the environment but I don't know that I could be happy there for any length of time.
Things with Cali are over. It hasn't officially been declared dead but I haven't spoken to him in over a week. I decided last weekend that I was going to end things but wanted to do it *in person*, as in while on a live conversation and not via voice mail messages. Well he's not responding to messages so I'm just moving on. I'm not as upset about the fact that it's over, I think I knew that weeks ago and had come to terms with it. I'm upset that he's been able to walk away without so much as a discussion or explanation at all. Yes, I realize that there could possibly be some type of emergency going on but knowing Cali as I do, I am 99.9% sure he's just burying his head in the sand and hoping that things will fix themselves on their own. I did leave him a voice mail and a text today that I will not stop until he calls me. I feel that we need to have a discussion...*I* need some closure. For goodness sakes, we were *together* for the past 9 months and I invested a whole lot into him and this relationship. The very least he can give me is 5 minutes of his time. I think I deserve that. Part of me is somewhat angry and hurt but it's not shocking that he would do this. I think that deep in my heart I knew that he was never going to be able to be what I needed. I am not quite sure if its because he's just unable to be that man or if he just didn't want to be...in either case, I deserve so much more.
I had an appt. with my counselor last week and we discussed my future with JD and in general. I told her that my recent revelation, is that no matter whether I remain with JD or not, I will not settle for being anything less than #1 and only one in any relationship. I may never be in a another serious relationship or marriage and I'm ok with that BUT if the situation presents itself I will not allow myself to be anything less than treasured and valued totally and completely. I've never felt that I deserved that so I simply *settled* for whatever the man I was with could offer...but I know that I am worth more and I'm tired of short changing myself to accommodate the man I'm with. She applauded me...lol.
Bug and I are doing well. Friends have commented that we both look so much more relaxed and content now that JD and I are separated. I know that my stress level is reduced or maybe just changed. I don't have the stressors of dealing with him on a daily basis and I don't have to deal with the stress of wondering if he's going to step up to the responsibilities or will I need to step up and take care of things when he doesn't bother to do it. Now I know that *I* am solely responsible for things so I just get them done...no questions asked. So I do have the stress of taking care of things but it's all on me so it's easier to deal with. I'm not sure if that makes much sense.
I'm still dating a bit. In fact I had lunch last Sunday with a guy I met. He's funny, sweet, intelligent, mature, stable....and we had a THREE HOUR lunch. LOL We talked, ate, talked, laughed, joked around, talked....and before we knew it three hours had passed. He walked me out to my car, as I was parked next to him, and asked if it would be ok if he took me out this coming weekend. I told him that I'd love that. We talked for a few more minutes, he held my car door open for me, I got in...and we parted. No kiss, no hug, no groping...lol. I was thrilled and relieved. I drove home with a huge smile on my face...it just touched me that he was such a gentleman and the thought of getting to know him without the whole physical side cluttering it really is exciting....if that makes any sense. We've talked almost daily over the week, all of our conversations littered with laughter and enjoyable conversations. I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night! One day at a time...not picking out china patterns, lol, just enjoying having fun and getting to know him slowly.
I'm having fun hanging out with my girlfriends from work, etc. That's something I never could do with JD here and I never had any desire when I was with Cali...because if I was out and he called I might miss his call or something ridiculous like that. So I sat at home waiting....and waiting. Now I'm making up for lost time. I really need this right now.
That's about it for my life...things are slowly working out. I don't feel as stressed or manic with Cali out of my life. It's really kind of sad realizing that I allowed all that drama into my life...I LET him do this to me. I allowed him to treat me this way. What in the world was I thinking? Oh wait, I wasn't thinking....I did love him. I don't think he ever loved me though...in fact I'm sure of it now.
2 comments:
Not settling in a relationship is a fantastic thing. I settled for fourteen years, and while there were some happy moments, I'm not so sure it was worth all the anguish and heartache in the end.
Re being less stressed: when a relationship with someone leaves you feeling stressed, that's pretty much a big ol' red flag, with "WARNING" on it in huge letters... It's nice that you've found someone more gentlemanly to spend some time with - you'll have to let me know how it goes! Good luck.
Thanks for stopping by, Matt. It's good to see you. ;) It's been a long process but I do now know that in many of my relationships I have *settled*. I refuse to allow that any longer...I deserve better. I'm glad to see you much stronger and happier as well.
Drama
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