So much happening and so little time to blog...
That's my life in a nutshell. So many times during the day something happens and I feel like I should blog about it but then life happens and the next thing I know it's three days later. The issues from 3 days ago are now old news and I just don't have the time or energy to relive it all. I don't even know where to start at this point.
JD and I had a long talk a couple weeks back. One of those ugly name calling, spill all the pain and ugliness out onto the floor kind of talks. It ended up being a good, calm, healthy discussion by the end and after 2 hours on the phone we managed to end it on a positive note agreeing that while we're not horrible, we're horrible TOGETHER and being married is not good for either of us. Whew..finally. We've agreed on the direction we're going to take the divorce and how we'll handle things. Well for the most part. Until he showed up three days later with an itemized list of the entire home contents, complete with descriptions, brand name, and details of every bowl, cup, and dish in the cabinets. I was floored to say the least. Trying to figure out when he possibly had time to compile this list...which took up SIX pages. It occurred at one of three points, either before we separated which means he was planning this BEFORE he moved out, after we separated which means he was here at the house without me being here and without my knowledge, or he did it one of the evenings he was here to see Bug which means he was busy doing this instead of caring for/spending time with Bug. In any of the three cases, it's messed up. He doesn't understand why it was an issue for me which is yet another reason that I am positive divorce is our only option. I've caught him in a handful of lies recently which I haven't even bothered to confront him on. I don't have the energy or desire, but again it reinforces the fact that the divorce is the smartest direction to take this. His grasp of logic and what's acceptable and reasonable are slightly skewed to say the least. So we're moving towards divorce...finally it's settled. Thank goodness!!!
JM and I are....us. That's about it. He's out of town this weekend with his boys and I haven't talked to him since earlier in the week. We exchanged a handful of texts before he left but that's about it. I know he was ultra busy and stressed with work and I really hoped we could connect at some point but it wasn't to be. I do miss him and I struggle with being anxious and wanting to hear his voice so desperately...but also enjoying my freedom and wanting to give him his. I will not call him, I will not text him, I will not email him. I will wait....patiently....or not. Seriously I will...maybe not patiently, but I'll wait.
In the meantime, as we both agreed, I am dating. Nothing serious, nothing steady or regularly....just casual dates. Truth be told, none of the guys I've met or dated can hold a candle to JM. I keep trying to feel the same way, the ease and comfort and it just doesn't come. I always feel like I'm holding back, like I'm acting, being someone I am not....selling myself short. With JM I never have to do that. I am me through and through with him and I never feel that it's not enough. He's seen me at my best and at my worst and he still comes back for more. :::grin::: Because of our rocky history I do find myself holding back just a bit...hesitant to expose all of my feelings for him for fear of him running again. He's assured me that he's not going anywhere but I can't help but be a bit scared. He knows that and understands it and accepts it. He's doing his best to help me feel more secure and less scared but I told him that it's purely a time issue. It'll take time for me to feel completely secure and be able to share 100% of my feelings for him. I realize as I read this that it sounds somewhat contradictory and I guess in a way it may be. What I mean by all of this is, that I can be myself and share my real personality with JM without feeling as if he's going to judge me or not accept me. I can share my thoughts and feelings without repercussions...however, because of our history and my own insecurities I tend to hold back on sharing how strong my feelings are. Not that he would judge me or reject me but I'm worried about pressuring him. I know how much he cares about me and that he does want to be with me but I still fear history repeating itself...so for now I allow small portions of my feelings out, sometimes with tiny disclaimers and sometimes just tossing bits and pieces at him to see how he catches them. So far he's doing just fine and has told me how happy he is. So we move forward and continue to see where this is going to take us. The only promise we've made each other is total and complete honesty and disclosure.
I have a blogger friend coming to visit this week and I am so nervous. I'm not about to say who as I don't know that this particular blogger wants to be outed just yet. I'll have to check with them to see how they feel...more later on that perhaps. I'm a mix of excited, nervous, and apprehensive. Excited to finally meet after all our conversations, nervous that I won't get my place cleaned up enough to not be an embarrassment, and apprehensive as I will lose much of my freedom and autonomy for about 4-5 days as I have a house guest. How horribly selfish does that sound?
This weekend is Bug's preschool open house. He's very excited to meet his teacher and the kids in his class. His girlfriend J is in his class so it'll be great that he has a friend already in the class. I pity his teacher having the two of them in class together...hehe.
Lots more going on in my life and my head but I need some sleep and some time to formulate the stuff in my head into semi coherent thoughts. Maybe tomorrow afternoon...or sometime this weekend.
JD and I had a long talk a couple weeks back. One of those ugly name calling, spill all the pain and ugliness out onto the floor kind of talks. It ended up being a good, calm, healthy discussion by the end and after 2 hours on the phone we managed to end it on a positive note agreeing that while we're not horrible, we're horrible TOGETHER and being married is not good for either of us. Whew..finally. We've agreed on the direction we're going to take the divorce and how we'll handle things. Well for the most part. Until he showed up three days later with an itemized list of the entire home contents, complete with descriptions, brand name, and details of every bowl, cup, and dish in the cabinets. I was floored to say the least. Trying to figure out when he possibly had time to compile this list...which took up SIX pages. It occurred at one of three points, either before we separated which means he was planning this BEFORE he moved out, after we separated which means he was here at the house without me being here and without my knowledge, or he did it one of the evenings he was here to see Bug which means he was busy doing this instead of caring for/spending time with Bug. In any of the three cases, it's messed up. He doesn't understand why it was an issue for me which is yet another reason that I am positive divorce is our only option. I've caught him in a handful of lies recently which I haven't even bothered to confront him on. I don't have the energy or desire, but again it reinforces the fact that the divorce is the smartest direction to take this. His grasp of logic and what's acceptable and reasonable are slightly skewed to say the least. So we're moving towards divorce...finally it's settled. Thank goodness!!!
JM and I are....us. That's about it. He's out of town this weekend with his boys and I haven't talked to him since earlier in the week. We exchanged a handful of texts before he left but that's about it. I know he was ultra busy and stressed with work and I really hoped we could connect at some point but it wasn't to be. I do miss him and I struggle with being anxious and wanting to hear his voice so desperately...but also enjoying my freedom and wanting to give him his. I will not call him, I will not text him, I will not email him. I will wait....patiently....or not. Seriously I will...maybe not patiently, but I'll wait.
In the meantime, as we both agreed, I am dating. Nothing serious, nothing steady or regularly....just casual dates. Truth be told, none of the guys I've met or dated can hold a candle to JM. I keep trying to feel the same way, the ease and comfort and it just doesn't come. I always feel like I'm holding back, like I'm acting, being someone I am not....selling myself short. With JM I never have to do that. I am me through and through with him and I never feel that it's not enough. He's seen me at my best and at my worst and he still comes back for more. :::grin::: Because of our rocky history I do find myself holding back just a bit...hesitant to expose all of my feelings for him for fear of him running again. He's assured me that he's not going anywhere but I can't help but be a bit scared. He knows that and understands it and accepts it. He's doing his best to help me feel more secure and less scared but I told him that it's purely a time issue. It'll take time for me to feel completely secure and be able to share 100% of my feelings for him. I realize as I read this that it sounds somewhat contradictory and I guess in a way it may be. What I mean by all of this is, that I can be myself and share my real personality with JM without feeling as if he's going to judge me or not accept me. I can share my thoughts and feelings without repercussions...however, because of our history and my own insecurities I tend to hold back on sharing how strong my feelings are. Not that he would judge me or reject me but I'm worried about pressuring him. I know how much he cares about me and that he does want to be with me but I still fear history repeating itself...so for now I allow small portions of my feelings out, sometimes with tiny disclaimers and sometimes just tossing bits and pieces at him to see how he catches them. So far he's doing just fine and has told me how happy he is. So we move forward and continue to see where this is going to take us. The only promise we've made each other is total and complete honesty and disclosure.
I have a blogger friend coming to visit this week and I am so nervous. I'm not about to say who as I don't know that this particular blogger wants to be outed just yet. I'll have to check with them to see how they feel...more later on that perhaps. I'm a mix of excited, nervous, and apprehensive. Excited to finally meet after all our conversations, nervous that I won't get my place cleaned up enough to not be an embarrassment, and apprehensive as I will lose much of my freedom and autonomy for about 4-5 days as I have a house guest. How horribly selfish does that sound?
This weekend is Bug's preschool open house. He's very excited to meet his teacher and the kids in his class. His girlfriend J is in his class so it'll be great that he has a friend already in the class. I pity his teacher having the two of them in class together...hehe.
Lots more going on in my life and my head but I need some sleep and some time to formulate the stuff in my head into semi coherent thoughts. Maybe tomorrow afternoon...or sometime this weekend.
2 comments:
Good decisions being made, to take you forward hon :)
I think that your ability to sit patiently will pay off. I know it can.
Plus you have a lot to deal with on the divorce side, you'll need to separate the two things to deal with them and not get into a tangled mess.
I wish you every happiness in the world. Looks like you're taking the right road to find it :)
I wish mine would realize we aren't good together!
Glad things seem to be working out for you.
Post a Comment