Lost in the abyss of life...

Yup, that's me. Things have been crazy busy and I feel as if I'm drowning. I have so much going on and so little time to accomplish it all, much less blog about it!! I'll try to recap:

Bug is doing great. He amazes me on a daily basis with his ability to get life. He started his last year of preschool today. While he was in class, the parents attended the orientation meeting. I always choke up during those damn things. You'd think that considering this was his second year in the school it'd be old news for me, but nope. It hit me that after this year my baby boy will be in SCHOOL. Real honest to goodness school, not just PREschool!! When did he grow up? When did that little baby that I used to nurse to sleep and cuddle and rock turn into this tall, flirtatious, sarcastic (just like his momma), good natured, loving young boy. I swear I blinked and it happened. Despite being such a "big boy" he's still very much momma's boy and loves to cuddle and snuggle with me.

JD and I are....well....we just "are". We're not fighting, we're just being at this point. He seems to be trying very hard to be accommodating and friendly...almost to the point of overkill. We need to start working around the house but we haven't gotten anything accomplished just yet.

JM and I are good. We have a fabulous time whenever we're together and I'm truly enjoying it. I'm still struggling to be incredibly adult about this relationship. I so badly want to spend every waking moment with him but I know that it's not feasible or reasonable. We have children, jobs, responsibilities, among other things that need our attention....and prohibits us from being together 24/7. Doesn't mean I like it nor does it make it easy. I want more...more contact, more phone time, more...more..more. I know he's strapped for time and with two kids in school and being a single dad he's stretched really far between the boys and his job. Part of me wants to stomp my feet and yell, "What about me??" But I am smart enough (ha!!) to know that it would only prove to stress him, frustrate us both, and potentially cause a wedge between us. That's the last thing I want to do.

In the meantime I am still dating on occasion. Maybe I'm doing it as a security blanket for myself or just to make sure I'm doing the right thing for ME... JM and I haven't agreed to be exclusive...he is aware that I am dating others, but truthfully when it comes down to it...he's the one that I do want to be with. I find myself comparing each guy to him, comparing how I feel in their presence, how we interact, and it's never the same...not even close.

I have a tendency to bulldoze things and when something feels right to me I tend to rush it. I refuse to do that this time...it's not easy and it's frustrating the hell out of me but I know/hope in my heart that I'll be rewarded in the end. I don't want to suffocate him and freak him out. I made a comment to JM a couple weeks back that I wanted to tell him something despite the fact that I was risking him getting scared away. I didn't tell him what I was REALLY feeling, I tempered it a bit and just let him know that I enjoy spending time with him and want to continue in this manner. He was neither scared nor suffocated, in fact he said it was reassuring to him. I still can't help but feel like I need to hold back a bit....stay cool, chill out. Bleh...this really sucks. I just want to jump into his arms, wrap my arms around his neck, and never let go....nah that wouldn't suffocate him too much. Hehe Yeah I know, I'm a mess.

Work is work. We've had a bit of drama recently and it's made things somewhat stressed. I think in the end it'll all work out but in the meantime it's awkward. I'm going to be in the hunt for a new job soon. There is no way I can stay where I am and afford to make ends meet once the divorce is final. I have a few leads and plan to start sending out my resume asap. I want to get into someplace before the whole process starts so I can be settled. Good job hunting vibes would be greatly appreciated!!

Cali has recently surfaced but only for a brief moment in time. We talked a couple times last week and since then no contact. Honestly I am ok with it. He told me last week that his wife wants to move back home (cross country) and he told her to go ahead. I don't know if that'll mean the end of the marriage or if they'll just live in separate parts of the country and stay married. He doesn't know either, said he had no idea what would happen but he does know that he is NOT moving back home. His business and everything are in Cali and he'd have to start over totally. He's not about to do that. For a split second, after he told me I actually fantasized about his marriage ending and the two of us ending up together. Then I woke up and realized I was delusional. LOL Today as I was driving home from work I was thinking about him and realized that much of my thoughts were about ending our contact/relationship. Telling him that I've moved on and that we're totally over. We'll see what happens if/when I hear from him again. I just don't know anymore. I know I deserve more than he can/will give me but why can't I simply walk away then? I've always been strong-willed and could walk away when something didn't seem right. Why can't I do that this time? I'm so frustrated with myself.

Well tonight is date night with the Bug so I'm going to go spend some time with him and decide what to do for dinner. I'm leaning towards pizza, we'll see what the little man requests.