Unsettled
Yep that's about how I'm feeling tonight. Unsettled. Lots of things are hanging in the balance and I'm not quite sure if or when they'll be resolved much less HOW to resolve them. I know it's been a while since I posted. Life has just been busy.
Work is...well work. Nothing remarkable going on, it's been pretty busy as we start to finally kick into gear with this large order we have had pending for a while. The day is going by quicker which always helps.
JD is JD. Last night he decided to announce that he wants a divorce. We ended up having words and he left while things were still pretty tense between us. I wasn't upset that he announced his intentions just the way he did it. This morning he called me to tell me that he was sorry for what he said last night and he wants to know if we can try to work things out...he doesn't really want a divorce he was just mad because I came home from my meeting later than I had said I would be. Eh what? So that warranted the little temper tantrum?? Ok whatever. I can't stand it. The stress level when he's around is overwhelming and it's so obvious when he's gone...I feel like I can breathe again.
No word from Cali...I have to admit he has been on my mind lately. I miss him a little...and I've caught myself wanting to reach for the phone and call him. It's so sad, I've actually forgotten his *schedule* and have no clue when he's where anymore. I used to know it by heart and could look at the clock on most days and tell you where he was at that time. Just not the case any longer. Our time together seems like forever ago and part of me feels as though we've moved so far apart, it makes me sad. I have really good days where I feel strong and know that not having him in my life is the best for me...but then I have days like today when I miss him and wish we were back together, despite all the crap and inconsistencies.
I've seen that guy I mentioned in my previous post a few times...I'll call him Mr. Cool. The week before I went to my sister's we talked on the phone every night when he got home from work...kind of became a habit that he'd call me. He went away for a couple days with his son just before I left for my sister's. So we didn't talk for 4 days. He sent me a text the day I was coming back home and I jokingly asked him if he missed me. Fully expecting that he'd respond with some smart ass comment or something. Instead he responded with, "Yes I missed you very much!" Later that night we talked again and he mentioned that he really missed our late night conversations and thought about me while he was gone. That shocked me. We made plans for him to come over Sunday after work and he called me that evening to tell me he had been asked to stay late at work but he refused because, "I'd rather come see you." (His exact words). Again he surprised me. He came over Sunday night and we had a nice time just talking and relaxing together. On Tuesday night we went to a baseball game together and had a blast. We were laughing and joking and flirting the entire evening. We rode to the game in his convertible which was so much fun. We managed to take a wrong turn and ended up right near the lake instead of the baseball park. Since we had almost 2 hours until the game, Mr. Play It Cool again threw me for a loop and said, "Why don't we park the car and take a walk by the water for a little while...?" So despite his insistence that he's looking for something casual and relaxed and he tries very hard to come across as a real hard ass...he does have a tiny bit of romance in him. We walked along the pier, enjoying the breeze over the lake, checking out the ducks swimming and playing in the water, watching the airplanes come in to land, talking and holding hands. Every once in a while he'd reach around and put his arm around my waist or run his fingers through my hair....just really sweet gestures and pretty uncharacteristic for him or at least what he's been trying so hard to portray himself as. I don't remember the last time I laughed so much with someone, we really had an awesome time! I saw a different side of him that evening....one that is emotional and sweet and dare I say romantic. LOL I'm not falling for him...not by a long shot, in fact I think I'm still very much guarded when it comes to him. He's like the bad boy....I never quite know what to expect from him so I'm always kind of on my toes. I can't allow myself to completely let go and maybe I never will, I don't know. This is a very different relationship for me...I'm stepping into the fray very very slowly this time. Maybe that's a good sign, we shall see. I've taken the position that I won't initiate contact with him. I let him call or text me...and so far he's definitely keeping in touch on a regular basis. I don't want to get into the position of relying on contact or feeling like I have to hear from him...so this is a good thing. I'm able to play it cool and expect NOTHING.
I better run, time to take Bug out for our dinner date. More later, maybe!
Work is...well work. Nothing remarkable going on, it's been pretty busy as we start to finally kick into gear with this large order we have had pending for a while. The day is going by quicker which always helps.
JD is JD. Last night he decided to announce that he wants a divorce. We ended up having words and he left while things were still pretty tense between us. I wasn't upset that he announced his intentions just the way he did it. This morning he called me to tell me that he was sorry for what he said last night and he wants to know if we can try to work things out...he doesn't really want a divorce he was just mad because I came home from my meeting later than I had said I would be. Eh what? So that warranted the little temper tantrum?? Ok whatever. I can't stand it. The stress level when he's around is overwhelming and it's so obvious when he's gone...I feel like I can breathe again.
No word from Cali...I have to admit he has been on my mind lately. I miss him a little...and I've caught myself wanting to reach for the phone and call him. It's so sad, I've actually forgotten his *schedule* and have no clue when he's where anymore. I used to know it by heart and could look at the clock on most days and tell you where he was at that time. Just not the case any longer. Our time together seems like forever ago and part of me feels as though we've moved so far apart, it makes me sad. I have really good days where I feel strong and know that not having him in my life is the best for me...but then I have days like today when I miss him and wish we were back together, despite all the crap and inconsistencies.
I've seen that guy I mentioned in my previous post a few times...I'll call him Mr. Cool. The week before I went to my sister's we talked on the phone every night when he got home from work...kind of became a habit that he'd call me. He went away for a couple days with his son just before I left for my sister's. So we didn't talk for 4 days. He sent me a text the day I was coming back home and I jokingly asked him if he missed me. Fully expecting that he'd respond with some smart ass comment or something. Instead he responded with, "Yes I missed you very much!" Later that night we talked again and he mentioned that he really missed our late night conversations and thought about me while he was gone. That shocked me. We made plans for him to come over Sunday after work and he called me that evening to tell me he had been asked to stay late at work but he refused because, "I'd rather come see you." (His exact words). Again he surprised me. He came over Sunday night and we had a nice time just talking and relaxing together. On Tuesday night we went to a baseball game together and had a blast. We were laughing and joking and flirting the entire evening. We rode to the game in his convertible which was so much fun. We managed to take a wrong turn and ended up right near the lake instead of the baseball park. Since we had almost 2 hours until the game, Mr. Play It Cool again threw me for a loop and said, "Why don't we park the car and take a walk by the water for a little while...?" So despite his insistence that he's looking for something casual and relaxed and he tries very hard to come across as a real hard ass...he does have a tiny bit of romance in him. We walked along the pier, enjoying the breeze over the lake, checking out the ducks swimming and playing in the water, watching the airplanes come in to land, talking and holding hands. Every once in a while he'd reach around and put his arm around my waist or run his fingers through my hair....just really sweet gestures and pretty uncharacteristic for him or at least what he's been trying so hard to portray himself as. I don't remember the last time I laughed so much with someone, we really had an awesome time! I saw a different side of him that evening....one that is emotional and sweet and dare I say romantic. LOL I'm not falling for him...not by a long shot, in fact I think I'm still very much guarded when it comes to him. He's like the bad boy....I never quite know what to expect from him so I'm always kind of on my toes. I can't allow myself to completely let go and maybe I never will, I don't know. This is a very different relationship for me...I'm stepping into the fray very very slowly this time. Maybe that's a good sign, we shall see. I've taken the position that I won't initiate contact with him. I let him call or text me...and so far he's definitely keeping in touch on a regular basis. I don't want to get into the position of relying on contact or feeling like I have to hear from him...so this is a good thing. I'm able to play it cool and expect NOTHING.
I better run, time to take Bug out for our dinner date. More later, maybe!
4 comments:
Slow is good with new relationships, especially when you're still not fully out of the one your in. OK, the marriage is dead and no one bothered dropping it off at the morgue and writing the death certificate, but there's still all that stuff in your head about Cali. But definitely, in this case, slow = good.
Your JD reminds me so much of my ex. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Can I ask you one question? Do you still love him? I knew the answer to my question and I had to move on. That is the only way he will accept it and will be forced to move on. He will NOT move on unless you force the issue, trust me, been there, done that. God, I know what youn mean about being able to breathe, it's like they suck the life right out of you. Please stay strong, for your little one. It will be hard, trust me, the hardest thing you have EVER done. You know my email and can email anytime. Don't be afraid to cry, YOU WILL CRY, and sometimes you won't even know why. Hang in there and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, it will get better, with time.
You're right Matt. Totally dead on. I'm in no rush to move into anything until I can get things settled and closed in the various chapters that are still open.
Thank you so much for your comments Charmed. To answer your question, sadly, no I don't love JD any longer and worse yet I don't respect him. I've been trying very hard to muster up some of those feelings again over the past 7 months or so but they aren't there any more. It does make me a bit sad but I also know that I deserve to be with someone who will treat me as I want and need to be treated. I know that I am going to need to sit down with him this week and really spell out my feelings. You are right, it's the only way he's going to accept it at this point.
Everything I am doing to make this transition as smooth as possible, is for Bug. I am not naive to think this will not affect him at all but I hope to reduce that impact as much as possible. Ironically, for the most part we can co-parent fairly effectively...we just can't manage to be true partners any longer.
I just may take you up on the email offer at some point...thank you for that.
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