Misguided, misdirected, mistakes...Miss Understood.

I have so much floating around in my head and my heart and most of it isn't terribly pretty, so be warned. I'm just going to dump it all out here, some may be coherent and interesting and some may be confusing and downright messed up and ugly. Don't say you weren't warned.

I hate my job. I work for a spineless, bland shell of a man who has no personality and zero people skills. He will never stand up for his own employees, he's too worried about his own image in the company and being the suck ass yes man to the big bosses. EVERYONE knows this, even people in other departments...even the fellow supervisors think of him that way, nice eh? The *women* in my department are a bunch of gossipy, nasty, hypocrites who espouse on a regular basis about what "dedicated Christians" they are and then turn around and talk about every single solitary person we work with or encounter. They do anything in their power to sabotage anyone they don't agree with or anyone whose lifestyle they don't agree with...like it's their right and place to make those judgments. Oh to be so friggin' perfect. I don't make enough money to pay the bills once this divorce is final. I need to find something else but I truly don't have the energy to work on that. I know that is my own fault and that if I was out there searching I can find something. I've always had a fairly easy time securing jobs in my lifetime...take this job in fact. I updated my resume, sent it off to 3 companies, my current employer was one of them. They called, I interviewed, they offered, I accepted. No major search through multiple jobs or interviews or even contacting a head hunter. I know I interview strongly and can easily get the job I want....but I just don't want to work at it. I'm feeling lazy, irresponsible, and careless. Not a good combination.

The divorce....bahahaha. We're really trying to do this amicably but I am married to one of the 7 Clueless Wonders of the World. Truly, he has zero common sense and comes up with the most ridiculous suggestions regarding what is a fair settlement. I can't tell you how many times I've sat back in my chair and shook my head as I asked him, "Do you seriously think that's right?" only to get a response by him with a dead serious look of, "Of course, why wouldn't I. It makes sense." Huh? I start to think *I* am the crazy one....only possibility since he truly thinks what he is doing is a-ok. Thank goodness I am still seeing my counselor and she's able to reel me in if I am truly out of line as well as confirm when what he is saying is whacked out. He thinks that *I* should be paying half of his rent as well as half the marital household bills. Uhhh no....not going to happen, especially when you're not even paying child support or anything. He's absolutely delusional. I'm so tired of arguing and debating with him on common sense issues...I'm just exhausted.

No matter how much I keep saying that I don't want to settle in a relationship and no matter how strongly I feel (or try to feel) that I deserve someone that will love me and cherish me completely and totally with no reservations or limitations...I still find myself SETTLING. Why is that? Do I really not feel I am worthy of it? Or am I just afraid I'll never really find that ultimate feeling of love? JM is still in the picture. He still continues to maintain that he's afraid of a relationship and that he doesn't want a commitment....something I have NEVER asked him for. But with that being said, he needs to understand that no matter how much he fights it...we are IN a relationship. We've been seeing each other since June....on some level we are involved. I haven't forced it on him, he has chosen to be there. I think he's simply scared. We both have feelings for each other but neither of us are ready or wanting to rush off and get married much less move in together. He has said that he won't ask me not to date others but he'd prefer I don't. I haven't promised him one way or another. I am dating others...but why? Because if he would say that this is it....that he doesn't want me to date others and that he has no desire to date others...I'd easily stop. We have some sort of connection and level of comfort that continues to bring us back together. I haven't found that with anyone else I've dated. With JM it just happened, we didn't have to work at it or wait for it to happen...it just was there from the first moment we met. Despite the comfort and ease of our relationship, the fact that we're in a sort of limbo has really made me uneasy. I hate that. There are times that we don't speak for a couple of days, he doesn't return text messages or phone calls...but then at other times I hear from him daily, sometimes twice a day. What does that mean? Is it just his busy life and schedule or am I not a priority? From our talks I'd like to think that it's just his busy life but then my insecurities take over and I start to wonder. Why do I have to analyze every friggin' nuance of the relationship? Why can't I just enjoy it and let it be? Why can't I just be with him and allow time to take the relationship to where it is meant to be? Because I can't feel as if I don't have any control...I can't stand not knowing where things are going, what is happening....to be in limbo. I need to have some level of control or else I feel restless and unsettled and insecure and well...fucked up.

Other boys - eh such a messed up subject. So I met this beautiful boy...just beautiful...he was gorgeous and funny and really sweet. I spent the entire time we were together trying to figure out what in the world he saw in me. He's got an amazing body, he's got his own business, he's funny...I mean truly what in the world did I have to offer him? He kept telling me how much he was thinking about me and how much he liked spending time with me, etc. Our last date he walked away from me talking about when we'd see each other again. The next day he sent me a text telling me that I was "bossy". Huh? No explanation, nothing else even when I asked what he meant/was talking about. We exchanged a few innocuous texts over that weekend and then I received an email on Monday, "I wanted you to know that I'm no longer interested. Good luck". Uhh ok Skippy, whatever. I was flabbergasted but also a bit relieved I think. I never felt GOOD ENOUGH...always as if I needed to be better. Too stressful for me. There have been a handful of casual dates...no connections whatsoever. I met one guy this past week who I liked...and it looked as if he liked me. Now I'm not so sure. He invited me to dinner at his place but my car decided to explode last night so I had no vehicle. Then he said maybe we could go out to dinner and a movie instead. Then he called later and said that he just didn't feel like going out, the weather was dreary and he was doing laundry. Uhh ok...the adult part of me says - ok no biggie, he has a right to not be motivated, after all we just met....the insecure little girl says - WTF? Am I not good enough or important enough to sacrifice clean clothes for? You should be DYING to see me and willing to move mountains to make it happen! Yeah delusional, I know. But these are the thoughts of the demented mind of Drama. Now I sit here assuming that he's trying to blow me off...why the hell can't I just relax and let it be? He said he'd call me later in the week to plan something for another day or next weekend. I want a date...I want to know when he's going to call dammit. I want him to say, "I will call you Tuesday evening at 7pm so that we can plan to see each other on Thursday at 7pm." Yes I am aware that it's not a reasonable request at this juncture in the relationship or non relationship as it appears to be....and I know that I should be relaxed and not jumping to conclusions just yet...but I can't seem to get my mind to slow down. I sent him an email and asked if he was free on Wednesday evening. He emailed me back that he has plans but that if he gets done and it's not too late he would call me. But then, to further mess with my mind he added, 'If you make other plans I would understand. I wouldn't want you waiting around for me.' WTF does that mean? Does it mean he's not interested or is he just being polite or am I just merely being paranoid and nuts again? Yeah don't answer that...it was merely a rhetorical question....or maybe not.

Bleh I'm exhausted. My car managed to die last night. Thank goodness it happened in the driveway of the guy I went out with instead of the middle of a busy street. I ended up sleeping over at his place since my car wasn't driveable and I had it towed this am. He's a mechanic and was able to pretty much diagnose the problem so I left his note for my mechanic to see in the morning when he gets the paperwork for my car. Hopefully it won't be too severe of a price...I'm so broke it's not even funny and JD is not about to help in any way, shape, or form.

Ok I'm exhausted and really need some sleep before work tomorrow. I'll probably have more *stuff* to purge from my wee little overflowing brain tomorrow or Tuesday...so be prepared.

Sweet Dreams, Drama Queens!