Where did January go??

Whew, it's already February! What's up with that? Yes I know, the days pass and eventually one month transitions into another...blah blah. I mean how did it happen so darned fast?? It seems like it was just New Years Day and now it's almost Valentine's Day. Good grief, slow down the days...I'm getting older. Life has been really busy, pretty good actually but busy.

Work seems to be getting a wee bit better. I'm finally coming into the position and feel like I really know what I am doing. I still don't feel like I belong but I think that's something that will never completely be resolved, short of the entire department personnel being changed. No biggie, I have a good friend and a few people that I get along very well with...the rest I just tolerate when necessary and do my job.

ON the divorce front, we're 99% settled, we have ONE issue that isn't resolved and the sad thing is, it's not resolved because *I* won't give in to what JD wants. Everyfreakinsingle other topic/issue I've conceded and gone along with his desires or was able to sacrifice a portion of what I wanted (I like to call it picking my battles) to make things work...this last topic is one that I REFUSE to budge on. I will not allow him to control it and for that we're at a standstill. I'm done going along with his wants....no more. Once this situation is resolved we will be divorced within a month. WOOHOO...that'll be a happy happy day in the Drama household for sure. I'm thinking about celebrating by getting a tattoo! ::GRIN::

As far as romance is concerned, JM and I are still *together*. I put that in quotes because we' don't get to see each other very often. Between the distance we live apart, his work, both of our kids, and *life* we have very limited free time when we can be together. I'm learning patience...lol. It's frustrating because each time we can't see each other or I don't hear from him immediately I assume that he's walked away again. I'm working really hard to overcome those feelings of insecurity and abandonment and he's really been great about understanding and trying to support me. However, I am learning that JM isn't terribly vocal about his feelings...they just are. On occasion he'll comment that he misses me or if I ask him he'll admit that he misses me, etc. but most times he just assumes that I know those things. Of course he feels that way, why wouldn't he is his logic. Well there are a whole plethora of reasons why he wouldn't feel that way....and I'm very very good at making sure that I find all of them and list them in my head over and over and over again each time I don't hear from him as promptly as I think I should. He on the other hand simply thinks I'm crazy and just shakes his head. Two weeks ago he came over and I made him dinner. It was awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed cooking for him, it felt so good to put a wonderful meal on the table and sit down to enjoy it with someone I care so much about. He RAVED about my cooking, of course it helps that I made his all time favorite meal. But he insisted that it was better than any restaurant he's ever had it at...I'll take that. ;) In any case, that was two weeks ago. Due to some health issues in both of our extended families, our plans for tonight had to be cancelled. I am/was extremely disappointed as was JM. I always look forward to our time together, it's truly a bright spot in my week(s).

Recently a situation in my life has caused me to review and think about my motivations. I have joined a local divorced person's group - geared towards those that are divorced, divorcing, or separated. In the process I began chatting with a few of the people that are part of the group. I ended up exchanging numbers with one member who was kind of unsure about attending an outing. We chatted on the phone once and while it was pleasant enough and he was fairly attractive, I wasn't head over heels or anything. Over the course of the next week he began sending me text messages DAILY...multiple times a day. A good morning text, one at lunch, one at quitting time, around dinner, at bedtime...you get the idea. I tried to politely ignore them in the hopes that he'd just get tired and stop. No such luck. I attended a function for this group and he was there. I was polite and said hello but didn't make any effort to spend time with him that evening, much less lead him to believe I was potentially *interested*. After that evening he continued to text with the same amount of frequency. I finally mentioned JM in conversation with him....again in the hopes that it'd deter him without me having to be rude. No such luck. In the meantime there are times that I text or call JM without a response from him or in some cases a response time is very SLOW. It all got me thinking...do I choose the unavailable or lesser available choice on purpose? Why didn't I opt to pursue something with this guy who is BLATANTLY interested. He's attractive enough, in fact he's very attractive. I just wonder if I choose the more difficult choice in the hopes that I can somehow *win* them over. As far as JM is concerned, I go back and forth between thinking I'm expecting too much and considering we both have kids and jobs and adult responsibilities, I have to deal with delays and limited times that we can be together. But then I wonder if I'm settling and if in a normal adult relationship there is more contact. I've not been in a relationship other than my marriage so I have no dating point of reference. Is this relationship with JM the norm considering our circumstances or am I choosing the more challenging/difficult relationship option to try to WIN it?? Am I ignoring or passing over the more obvious choices because they're no challenge?? I do care a great deal about JM but am I holding on to something that isn't there? When we're together I can feel the connection, I can tell that he wants to be with me and that he enjoys spending time with me. I enjoy being with him and I want to be with him. But when we're apart I get insecure and nervous, wondering if he's changed his mind. As I've said, he's not incredibly vocal about his feelings, if asked he will express his feelings honestly but he's not all that forthcoming with it on a daily basis. Sometimes I desperately need that reassurance and reinforcement. Take tonight for example, he called me earlier today and we talked for a bit. His phone was dying so he said he'd call me later. No call...nothing. I get that he's busy and he has a sick kid at home but did he not think about me at all that he couldn't call once or even send a text? Or am I being a whiny spoiled brat and should let it go?? When we're together I have ZERO questions about how he feels about me...I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in the way he talks to me and how he treats me....why is it so difficult to hold onto that when we're apart? It makes me crazy. I just don't know...

Well it's insanely late...or early depending on how you look at it. I need to get some sleep...