Craptastic Week...

I don't even know where to start. Work has been kicking my butt. We are ridiculously busy, which in essence is fantastic, job security and all...but the drama and politics is making me lose my mind. Wednesday afternoon couldn't come soon enough...I *need* this 4 day weekend. Decompress, chill, and regroup.

However, the fact that I'll have this freedom makes me antsy and anxious and sad and depressed and screwed up. I feel like I'm crawling out of my own skin. I feel like I'm not myself, I can't seem to grasp reality at this point.

K and I are....I don't even know what we are. A week ago he dropped the bombshell that he couldn't go on any longer, he loves me but he's not *in love* with me, he cares about me as a person but he doesn't see us together forever. I was DEVASTATED, floored, shocked, simply put - blown away. This came DAYS after we celebrated our *anniversary* with a romantic dinner that HE prepared at his place, complete with candles in EVERY room of his house. We talked about the holidays, gift ideas for each other, a number of "future" planning type discussions. Then he announces that he's been struggling with this and can't go on any longer without telling me. ::thud:: So we called it quits, I started planning to go on with life solo. It hurt but for some reason the tears never really came. That shocked me. I care very deeply for him...but in some ways it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. How horrific is that? The very next day he called, as he normally did when we were together. He continued to call the next two days. We had agreed to see each other over that weekend because of some social commitments we had made as a couple. So the plan was to see each other that Saturday. Friday I went out with friends from work. Imagine my surprise when I'm at the pizza pub and my phone rings. It's K....I opted to let it go to voice mail. We're not together, I don't *owe* him an immediate answer or response. I'll call him back once I leave the bar. Continue hanging out with work friends...an hour later my phone rings again. It's K....this time he doesn't leave a voice mail. Ok, I'm STILL not calling him back. If it was an emergency or he needed me, he would have said so when he left the first message. We have something to eat, a few more drinks, and I end up leaving to head home about 2.5 hours later. Now, pre "I am not in love with you", K would have been my first call I returned. Not this day. I called home to check on my son, called my best friend, and on the way to pick up dinner for Bug I called K back. He was beside himself. Our conversation:

ME: Hi
HIM: Where are you?
ME: Driving home...why?
HIM: I tried to call you twice.
ME: I know I got your message
HIM: Where were you?
ME: Went to *insert pizza pub name* with the gang from work.
HIM: You couldn't answer your phone or return my call?
ME: Well it was noisy in the pub and I figured I'd call you when I got out and was on my way home.
HIM: *grumble* I called you THREE hours ago.
ME: Yes I know, your voice mail has a time stamp on it. I know when you called.

Then we moved onto a new subject. He asked me to come up on Friday instead because he said he wanted to see me. I decided that we did need to talk and I wanted more time with him to talk instead of waiting til Saturday afternoon. So I got dinner for Bug, hung out with him for a bit, packed up my stuff and went up to K's house.

I walked in the door and he grabbed me and pulled me into one of his trademark, AMAZING bear hugs. ::sigh:: He held onto me for almost 10 minutes that way...never easing up on the hold....I finally had to break free. He sat in the chair and pulled me into his lap. We talked...I laid it all on the line. I told him how I felt and that if he didn't want me, to stop contacting me and let me go so that I could move forward and heal. If he DID want me then he needs to figure out what the problem is and fix it because I can't do this anymore. He does this push/pull crap and it's making me crazy. I told him that if he keeps pushing me away, one of these times I WILL walk and won't be turning around to look back at him. I'll be gone. We talked and talked and talked and talked..for FOUR hours. He admitted that he's scared and confused. He DOES have feelings for me but the unhappiness he's feeling in other areas of his life tend to seep into our relationship and then he starts to question his feelings and our future. I told him that while I'd love to think that we'll be together forever, I don't know that myself and I'm not going to analyze the relationship to figure out the odds of our future success. For *ME* our relationship works right now and I'm happy and content. I'm not looking 5 years down the road, I can barely plan 2 weeks from now.

We got some things settled, other things got brought onto the table for the first time, it was good on all levels. He did admit that when he called me that night and I didn't return his call right away (I'm always really conscientious about returning calls and especially K's calls) and then when it went to 2 hours...3 hours...he started to get scared. Worried that I had decided to pursue another option or that I was out with *someone*...etc. I was glad to hear that he realized it was a possibility. Not one that I intend to exercise at this point but I was glad that he realized that he couldn't and shouldn't take me for granted. I may not always be there for him.

So we decided to hold on and work things through at least to get through Thanksgiving...we had plans to spend it with my family. Neither of us wanted to deal with the fall out or explanation. He's become close to my family and gets along really well with them...they love him. Walking into T-Day dinner and explaining why K wasn't there, was not something I wanted to deal with and not something he wanted me to deal with . So we worked on figuring out where we were going, etc. No promises, no guarantees...other than honesty and communication.

K came down on Wednesday night. I made dinner and we had a nice dinner. We talked more about where we wanted to take things, what we wanted...he's a very confused boy. He's very unhappy in his life (things other than *us*) but that spills over into everything. He's struggling to figure out who he is and where he wants to take his life...I see the struggle, I see it when he calls me, he gets short tempered and frustrated easily. I know it's not *me* or *us* so in most cases I can brush it off and let him be...but it gets overwhelming at times. It isn't like that when we're together. I can see and feel the depth of his love for me when we're together. From across the room, the look in his eyes radiates through me and I know he wants ME. When he walks past me and touches my hair, the little things he does....I can feel it and it's there. He's admitted that...he cannot deny the strength of his feelings for me and vice versa. That's what makes this so DAMN difficult. He needs some time to get his crap together but do we walk away from each other and call it quits? Do I just allow him the freedom and space and remain faithful to each other? How do we make that work? Neither of us has these answers and neither of us is willing/able to just end the relationship and walk away.

We had a great time with my family for T-Day. He's amazing around my family. Everyone likes him, he hangs with the guys, it's a very different dynamic than how family life with JD was. VERY different.

We came home from the celebration and by the time we pulled up, Bug was here. We hung out, he played race cars with Bug, the three of us watched a movie, I put Bug to bed, we finally crashed from exhaustion and too much food!

This morning Bug came in to wake us up. K and Bug wrestled and played while I made breakfast. Shortly after breakfast K got ready to leave so that he could go pick up his kids for the weekend. Something triggered in me as I watched him pack up his clothes and the leftovers I was sending home with him....I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. It hit me that this could essentially be the last time I see him. I ran out of the kitchen, I didn't want him or Bug to see me crying. I went into the bedroom and it just poured out of me. I couldn't stop the sobbing. K walked in a few minutes later and immediately grabbed me and held me. He knew what was going through my mind...he tried to be supportive. He assured me that I would still see him, that it may not be as it has been but he's not walking away completely. Comforting but painful assurance. I held onto him for a long long time...I told him that I was worried I'd lose him. He told me not to let go of him....to keep holding on...he didn't want me to let go of him, he didn't want to go away from me. That made me cry harder. As I pulled away from him I felt a piece of my heart tear away. We sat on the bed talking and I told him that while I don't want to let him go and I have no plans to do that, I was going to let him have space. I was going to assume that I wouldn't be hearing from him and I wouldn't be seeing him regularly. I was letting him call the shots and the intensity of the relationship. I did tell him that I was NOT assuming we were OVER...he's in my heart and in my soul and I'm not willing or able to let that go. He said that he was glad I wasn't doing that because he doesn't want us to be over...he doesn't want me to let him go. So that's where we are....in a sort of defined limbo I suppose.

I've been crying all day, I had plans to put up my Christmas tree and decorations and I've been an abominable mom today. Lying around and being a slug. My motivation is less than zero, I can barely walk out to my living room because I see K lying on my couch last night...I see him helping with breakfast this morning....I see him everywhere I look. I see him in my bed...wrestling on the floor with Bug....everywhere. I'm sure those of you reading this think I'm a pathetic mess....and quite honestly you're probably right. I feel pathetic, I feel like a wreck...why can't I just pull myself together? I'm an adult for goodness sake!! Yeah well I'm tired of being the adult, being strong...when do I get to be needy and whiny and demanding of support and help?