It's all been done...
K was here last night. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through this post in one sitting. The emotions are still very deep and raw. I love him, I truly do.
He had called yesterday morning to touch base and asked if he should plan to spend the night. I told him that was up to him, considering he's the one asking for space of late.
He arrived in the afternoon and we had dinner. It was a bit awkward but in many ways it felt like we'd never been apart. We watched a movie, holding each other and talking like nothing had changed. Eventually I brought up the subject. We talked, we cried, we held each other. He apologized for bringing me into this when he knew deep in his heart that he needed to be alone to work through his *stuff*. I told him that no matter what, I still love him and always will. I told him that I was considering this a separation, not a complete breakup. I asked him if he'd be willing to promise me that if/when he gets things together and is ready for a relationship, that he calls me first. He told me that I'd be the first person he'd call no matter if I asked or not...he promised me that. He asked me to promise him that if I met someone who was wonderful and swept me off my feet and made me happy that I go for it and not hold back because of K. While right now I can't make that promise, cuz I have no desire to be with anyone but him, I did tell him that I'd do that. He told me that he knows he can't make me happy right now and I deserve happiness. He said he'd be angry with me if I passed up some great guy to wait for him because he wants me to be happy, no matter if it's with or without him. After a lot of conversation, holding each other, tears, I'm sorrys and I love yous, we went to bed. Last night was the most perfectly bittersweet night we've ever spent together. I've never really given details about my sex life with anyone and I don't plan to now...but last night was simply the most gentle, romantic, loving, intense, and erotic sexual experience I've had EVER. In basic terms, we made true and pure LOVE to each other. It was slow and lingering and wonderful. I think it's because we both knew it'd be our last time together. This morning I teased him that to make things easier on me, the least he could have done was make the sex lousy last night. He said he tried but it couldn't happen. LOL Liar.
I walked him out this morning and we held each other at the door for a very long time. Both of us crying and not wanting to let go. I could see the sadness and pain in his eyes...and it made it that much more difficult for me. It'd be easier if he was a jerk or had no feelings for me...but that's not the case. So for now we're apart. I'm going on with my life...without him. He's working on his stuff, figuring out who he is and where he's going. We're going to remain friends and we promised each other to keep in touch. I told him that if he needs ANYTHING to call me. I want to be there for him...we'll see what happens in the future.
He's not perfect but I do love him. He's been truthful and honest with me all along and for that I respect him. He knows that it's been difficult for me and he's struggled with letting me go and keeping me in his life, knowing that it wasn't fair to me. So now I try to move on and he tries to figure out where he's going to.
Love sucks...
He had called yesterday morning to touch base and asked if he should plan to spend the night. I told him that was up to him, considering he's the one asking for space of late.
He arrived in the afternoon and we had dinner. It was a bit awkward but in many ways it felt like we'd never been apart. We watched a movie, holding each other and talking like nothing had changed. Eventually I brought up the subject. We talked, we cried, we held each other. He apologized for bringing me into this when he knew deep in his heart that he needed to be alone to work through his *stuff*. I told him that no matter what, I still love him and always will. I told him that I was considering this a separation, not a complete breakup. I asked him if he'd be willing to promise me that if/when he gets things together and is ready for a relationship, that he calls me first. He told me that I'd be the first person he'd call no matter if I asked or not...he promised me that. He asked me to promise him that if I met someone who was wonderful and swept me off my feet and made me happy that I go for it and not hold back because of K. While right now I can't make that promise, cuz I have no desire to be with anyone but him, I did tell him that I'd do that. He told me that he knows he can't make me happy right now and I deserve happiness. He said he'd be angry with me if I passed up some great guy to wait for him because he wants me to be happy, no matter if it's with or without him. After a lot of conversation, holding each other, tears, I'm sorrys and I love yous, we went to bed. Last night was the most perfectly bittersweet night we've ever spent together. I've never really given details about my sex life with anyone and I don't plan to now...but last night was simply the most gentle, romantic, loving, intense, and erotic sexual experience I've had EVER. In basic terms, we made true and pure LOVE to each other. It was slow and lingering and wonderful. I think it's because we both knew it'd be our last time together. This morning I teased him that to make things easier on me, the least he could have done was make the sex lousy last night. He said he tried but it couldn't happen. LOL Liar.
I walked him out this morning and we held each other at the door for a very long time. Both of us crying and not wanting to let go. I could see the sadness and pain in his eyes...and it made it that much more difficult for me. It'd be easier if he was a jerk or had no feelings for me...but that's not the case. So for now we're apart. I'm going on with my life...without him. He's working on his stuff, figuring out who he is and where he's going. We're going to remain friends and we promised each other to keep in touch. I told him that if he needs ANYTHING to call me. I want to be there for him...we'll see what happens in the future.
He's not perfect but I do love him. He's been truthful and honest with me all along and for that I respect him. He knows that it's been difficult for me and he's struggled with letting me go and keeping me in his life, knowing that it wasn't fair to me. So now I try to move on and he tries to figure out where he's going to.
Love sucks...
5 comments:
So now I try to move on and he tries to figure out where he's going to.
I like how you worded that, but I still stand by what I told you on the phone today. Hang in there girl... and I was wondering this afternoon if maybe I should talk to him sometime? Another option...
And that picture of Terry should be there soon, sorry I went out to take some photos and forgot!
So now I try to move on and he tries to figure out where he's going to.
I like how you worded that, but I still stand by what I told you on the phone today. Hang in there girl... and I was wondering this afternoon if maybe I should talk to him sometime? Another option...
And that picture of Terry should be there soon, sorry I went out to take some photos and forgot!
It's the reality, Fuse, as much as I hate to admit it. I'm feeling a little better tonight. Gearing up for my party tomorrow night. I need to be surrounded by friends, and tomorrow night I will.
Re: talking to K, maybe I'll let you at some point. But at this point I really think he won't listen to *anyone*...until he's ready.
Waiting for that photo!!!
"He's been truthful and honest with me all along and for that I respect him."
Maybe so but I have to wonder if he's being honest with himself. At his age, if he still hasn't by now figured himself out or where he wants to go, and won't seek help from others, perhaps more qualified who can help, then I have to wonder if he ever will. You best move on and try to meet someone who has his act in gear and who is better capable to give you lasting "long term" happiness.
You know what? A problem shared is a problem that is easier to deal with.. Making up this malarkey about him needing time to sort himself out and keeping himself away from you is absolutely CLASSIC behaviour.. He's denying himself because he doesn't believe he deserves you, and also because he thinks he is damaged and is trying to protect both of you. I call it for bullshit, Drama..
He wants to be alone and miserable as punishment for something.. More than likely it would be easier if he had someone who loved him to talk to about whatever it is..
Bullshit. It's just bullshit. Call him and tell him I have worked it out for him - he's talking bullshit and he should be with you.
x
Heehee Kimba. Thank you for that giggle. I just wish it was that easy because yes I think that going through ANY issues in life are easier when you have someone who truly cares about you. But I can't make him want this and I can't make him want to work through things WITH me in his life. So my choice is to move forward on my own and hope that someday he'll figure things out. I won't be waiting or holding my breath. I *can't*.
Drama
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