What is wrong with me?
I have a couple of things floating around in my head, trying to process them and figure out what direction, if any, I should take. I feel like I need to make a move or a decision but then I wonder if that's my problem, feeling obligated or the necessity to "DECIDE" now. Let me explain, dear Drama readers:
So back in this post I mentioned the three *boys* that I was currently getting to know. Well things have changed a tiny bit and I'm struggling with where to go or what to do.
At this point, Boy #3 and I are really connecting. We've had a handful of dates and while I am enjoying the time we spend together immensely, I'm hesitant to take that next step, to make things "committed" or permanent. He's ready, totally ready...has no desire to date anyone else. While I don't necessarily have a desire to pursue anyone/anything else, part of me is being held back. I'm aware that my relationships with K and also with JM have really tainted me and caused me to be quite hesitant about taking that next step. I've been honest with him, explained that I'm not completely ready to "cut off all other options" and make this a committed relationship just yet. However, if I'm not actively pursuing anyone else nor am I in a physical or emotional relationship with anyone else, isn't that a commitment in and of itself? I'm not quite sure if I'm holding back because of fear of repeating the hurt/mistakes of my relationships with K and JM or if deep in my heart of hearts I'm just not 100% into him. On paper he's totally amazing, he's generous, thoughtful, dedicated, mature, sweet, responsible, all the things that I desire in a partner...he's the total package. But I can't manage to jump into it with him. Am I always going to be scared or is it just a matter of time before I learn that he can be trusted? Is there truly something missing, hence the reason I'm holding back? Have K and JM trashed my ability to trust and give myself freely to another person? It scares me to think about giving myself completely to him and getting hurt...however, it also scares me to think about holding back and losing him due to my fears. Anyone care to play dime store psychologist?
Boy #1 is no longer in the picture. It's totally fine by me, he truly couldn't/wouldn't give me what I wanted. He would call but when it came to spending time together, he had way too much on his plate. I'm still not 100% convinced that he's not married, that was a big red flag, his inability to spend time together on weekends much less for a full evening. It was always dinner right after work and be home/done by 7pm. Something just didn't make sense.
Boy #2 and I still talk on occasion. We've been trying to catch up and maybe go to lunch, but schedules have been wonky. We're tentatively on for next Thursday. I sometimes feel like I'm spending time with my brother or a buddy, not a man that I'm looking at dating/having a relationship with. It's an odd dynamic, I'm not quite sure how I feel just yet.
If pressed for a decision I'd have to go with Boy #3 and skip the rest. We connect on so many levels. He is good to me, he is loving, generous, thoughtful, sweet, funny, strong, responsible, EVERYTHING I could possibly want in a man and a partner. So why am I hesitant? Is it merely a timing issue? Still recovering from the betrayal of trust with K and JM? I'm not sure. I'm just grateful that he's willing to be patient...but for how long?
Tomorrow evening (Valentine's Day) he is taking me out to dinner. He won't tell me where, just that I cannot wear jeans. This is a completely foreign concept, going out to dinner some place nice enough that I have to wear a dress/skirt AND I'm not paying for it. Imagine that!! He's good to me...ridiculously good to me. He keeps telling me that he wants to help me, support me, be there for me, take care of me, without smothering me or inhibiting my independence. Isn't that what every woman would give their left arm for?
Why aren't life and love simple?
So back in this post I mentioned the three *boys* that I was currently getting to know. Well things have changed a tiny bit and I'm struggling with where to go or what to do.
At this point, Boy #3 and I are really connecting. We've had a handful of dates and while I am enjoying the time we spend together immensely, I'm hesitant to take that next step, to make things "committed" or permanent. He's ready, totally ready...has no desire to date anyone else. While I don't necessarily have a desire to pursue anyone/anything else, part of me is being held back. I'm aware that my relationships with K and also with JM have really tainted me and caused me to be quite hesitant about taking that next step. I've been honest with him, explained that I'm not completely ready to "cut off all other options" and make this a committed relationship just yet. However, if I'm not actively pursuing anyone else nor am I in a physical or emotional relationship with anyone else, isn't that a commitment in and of itself? I'm not quite sure if I'm holding back because of fear of repeating the hurt/mistakes of my relationships with K and JM or if deep in my heart of hearts I'm just not 100% into him. On paper he's totally amazing, he's generous, thoughtful, dedicated, mature, sweet, responsible, all the things that I desire in a partner...he's the total package. But I can't manage to jump into it with him. Am I always going to be scared or is it just a matter of time before I learn that he can be trusted? Is there truly something missing, hence the reason I'm holding back? Have K and JM trashed my ability to trust and give myself freely to another person? It scares me to think about giving myself completely to him and getting hurt...however, it also scares me to think about holding back and losing him due to my fears. Anyone care to play dime store psychologist?
Boy #1 is no longer in the picture. It's totally fine by me, he truly couldn't/wouldn't give me what I wanted. He would call but when it came to spending time together, he had way too much on his plate. I'm still not 100% convinced that he's not married, that was a big red flag, his inability to spend time together on weekends much less for a full evening. It was always dinner right after work and be home/done by 7pm. Something just didn't make sense.
Boy #2 and I still talk on occasion. We've been trying to catch up and maybe go to lunch, but schedules have been wonky. We're tentatively on for next Thursday. I sometimes feel like I'm spending time with my brother or a buddy, not a man that I'm looking at dating/having a relationship with. It's an odd dynamic, I'm not quite sure how I feel just yet.
If pressed for a decision I'd have to go with Boy #3 and skip the rest. We connect on so many levels. He is good to me, he is loving, generous, thoughtful, sweet, funny, strong, responsible, EVERYTHING I could possibly want in a man and a partner. So why am I hesitant? Is it merely a timing issue? Still recovering from the betrayal of trust with K and JM? I'm not sure. I'm just grateful that he's willing to be patient...but for how long?
Tomorrow evening (Valentine's Day) he is taking me out to dinner. He won't tell me where, just that I cannot wear jeans. This is a completely foreign concept, going out to dinner some place nice enough that I have to wear a dress/skirt AND I'm not paying for it. Imagine that!! He's good to me...ridiculously good to me. He keeps telling me that he wants to help me, support me, be there for me, take care of me, without smothering me or inhibiting my independence. Isn't that what every woman would give their left arm for?
Why aren't life and love simple?
4 comments:
Give yourself time. If he's the right one, he will give you that time. Make sure you are being honest with him about your issues (which I'm sure you have been) and let him know that you are still working through some things. You are allowed the time you need to sort things through. But make sure you are doing what YOU need and not worrying about HIS needs. Yes, you need to be considerate and accepting of what he needs, don't sublimate your "healing" to what he wants. Take the time you need to work through things because if you don't and you commit to this too soon, it will come out later and you will have issues to deal with regarding this relationship too. Finish all your unfinished business so that it doesn't invade any new relationships. Again, if he's a good guy, he will all ow you this time.
Everyone who'se ever enjoyed a long and happy relationship with someone took a chance with that person in the beginning. There are no guarantees in this life. So must you - take a chance (once again) - on finding happiness with someone (perhaps with this man). I will tell you this much, to not risk ever "taking that chance on happiness" because you are not 100% certain will definitely guarantee one thing - you definitly would remain unhappy for the rest of your life. That too is a choice, which you may end up taking - whether you realize this or not. Soooo???
I hate to say this because I am afraid you might take it in a negative way. I adore you, so please don't get mad at me. Here it is...
Could it be the reason you are hesitant IS cause it is soo easy and good? Maybe you miss the drama of the bad guys... the constant drama. Don't let your love of drama keep you from having a good guy treat you the way you deserve. There will be excitement in other ways that don't make you crazy. :)
Nothing at all is wrong with you my dear.. Nothing.
You deserve all the beauty and goodness in life.. because there is nothing at all wrong with you.. Nothing.
Stop questioning so hard. There is no ideal time to make a commitment.. no ' It's been 3 weeks so I must know if I want to spend the next 30 years with him or I am wasting his time..'
Nothing is wrong. Be in the moment. Stop beating yourself up. Relax and imagine yourself happy, and happy will find you. I guarantee it.
x
(my word verification is ORICALIC - which is kind of like ORACLE-IC so you have to believe me.. OK? I see the future. :)
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