Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results
I want to thank everyone for their comments back on this post. I was going to reply in the comments but then decided that it'd make more sense to reply to them in a new post and also add a bit of an update.
Neenee's comment definitely struck a chord with me, not because it hurt but because it was the exact thoughts that had been taking up residence in my mind for a long time. Why do I always pick the "unavailable" guys...do I like the challenge? As if by chasing them and trying to make them love me, I've won something? As I look at past history I realize that it's never worked for me. I fall for someone, they pull away, I chase them, they come back for a short time, they run, I chase...you get the idea. Why do I put myself through that? I think a lot of it has to do with my relationship with my father and never feeling completely loved and accepted. I grew to accept that and get used to feeling like that.
Reading the comments from Rob and Kimba made me realize that in order to find a good and solid relationship I need to take that risk. I need to step outside my comfort zone a bit and let myself be in the moment. I think I've held back even when my heart wanted to move forward, simply out of fear. It's easier to chase after the unavailable guy because they're simply not willing to be in the moment with me...so it's almost as if there is nothing risked. I think I know that subconsciously and I'm afraid of the even deeper risk that comes from being in a truly satisfying, heart wide open relationship.
That being said, I did take a tiny step this week moving towards more of a commitment with the man. I think I need to come up with a name for him...I'll ponder that a while. In the meantime, back to that tiny step...in my mind and heart it wasn't a tiny step but in the grand scheme of things it is. We had met through a dating site and as of this week I've hidden my profile from public view. He had hidden his a while ago and while he hadn't asked me to do the same I knew that he really was hoping I would. I couldn't bring myself to do that until this week. We spent an AMAZING Valentine's Day together. Two great days together and on Sunday evening when I had to leave his house, I didn't want to go and he didn't want me to go. I missed him like crazy all week, he was all I could think about. So by the time Tuesday came along it began to hit me...this relationship is good for me. He's good for me and to me. He's been nothing but understanding about my feelings and has always maintained that he was willing to give me the time I needed to feel secure with him and to trust him.
Valentine's night after an awesome dinner at a very romantic Italian restaurant nearby, we curled up in front of the fire, sharing a bottle of wine and just talking. I was brutally honest with him and told him how I felt. The fear, the uncertainty, wanting to trust, to move forward but being scared to. He never once tried to push me to commit any further, he was completely understanding and willing to be patient. That said a lot to me. So I decided that I would *give him* that...to hide my profile. As I said, it's not a huge commitment or move as far as the relationship is concerned, at least not to most people I suppose. To me it's a BIG step and one that I needed to feel more secure in before making. This week that happened. He was happy to see that I felt secure enough to do that.
I told him that the wall is still very much intact, it's just losing a few bricks day by day. He gets that and he's ok with it. He's good for me...he treats me with respect, he wants to take care of me, to help me, to be a support for me. He's done so much in such a short time, he realized that I've been having problems with my car and because of his line of work he has connections in the automotive field. He had my car towed when I had engine problem, he gave me his car to drive while my car was in the shop, he took my car this weekend to get the brakes worked on - again leaving me with his car to drive, he's been with me all week helping me pack the house for my move next weekend....so many things he's done to help me, giving his time to be there as a support. It's definitely a foreign concept to be in a relationship with someone who wants the best for me and wants to take care of me...something I haven't experienced, I was going to say in a long time but I'm not sure I've ever experienced it.
Everyone always comments that I'm strong and confident...ha! The strength is not by choice as much as by necessity. I never felt that I could trust someone else to take care of me or take care of things, so I had to protect myself. The confidence is more of a fake it til you make it mentality. On the outside I look confident but on the inside I am weepy, whiny, and scared. Bleh I'm used to not being able to rely on anyone else so this is new territory...to be able to put certain things in someone else's hands and know that it'll be taken care of. I'm starting to believe that I can actually put my heart into his hands and he'll protect it. I'm not completely ready to hand it over 100% but I allow him to hold my heart for brief moments in time. Those moments get longer and longer as I see him taking care of my heart and treating it with value.
I'm still scared and I've told him as such. He understands the fear and he's willing to hold on and let me work through this, with him by my side. I'm a lucky girl, that's for sure.
Neenee's comment definitely struck a chord with me, not because it hurt but because it was the exact thoughts that had been taking up residence in my mind for a long time. Why do I always pick the "unavailable" guys...do I like the challenge? As if by chasing them and trying to make them love me, I've won something? As I look at past history I realize that it's never worked for me. I fall for someone, they pull away, I chase them, they come back for a short time, they run, I chase...you get the idea. Why do I put myself through that? I think a lot of it has to do with my relationship with my father and never feeling completely loved and accepted. I grew to accept that and get used to feeling like that.
Reading the comments from Rob and Kimba made me realize that in order to find a good and solid relationship I need to take that risk. I need to step outside my comfort zone a bit and let myself be in the moment. I think I've held back even when my heart wanted to move forward, simply out of fear. It's easier to chase after the unavailable guy because they're simply not willing to be in the moment with me...so it's almost as if there is nothing risked. I think I know that subconsciously and I'm afraid of the even deeper risk that comes from being in a truly satisfying, heart wide open relationship.
That being said, I did take a tiny step this week moving towards more of a commitment with the man. I think I need to come up with a name for him...I'll ponder that a while. In the meantime, back to that tiny step...in my mind and heart it wasn't a tiny step but in the grand scheme of things it is. We had met through a dating site and as of this week I've hidden my profile from public view. He had hidden his a while ago and while he hadn't asked me to do the same I knew that he really was hoping I would. I couldn't bring myself to do that until this week. We spent an AMAZING Valentine's Day together. Two great days together and on Sunday evening when I had to leave his house, I didn't want to go and he didn't want me to go. I missed him like crazy all week, he was all I could think about. So by the time Tuesday came along it began to hit me...this relationship is good for me. He's good for me and to me. He's been nothing but understanding about my feelings and has always maintained that he was willing to give me the time I needed to feel secure with him and to trust him.
Valentine's night after an awesome dinner at a very romantic Italian restaurant nearby, we curled up in front of the fire, sharing a bottle of wine and just talking. I was brutally honest with him and told him how I felt. The fear, the uncertainty, wanting to trust, to move forward but being scared to. He never once tried to push me to commit any further, he was completely understanding and willing to be patient. That said a lot to me. So I decided that I would *give him* that...to hide my profile. As I said, it's not a huge commitment or move as far as the relationship is concerned, at least not to most people I suppose. To me it's a BIG step and one that I needed to feel more secure in before making. This week that happened. He was happy to see that I felt secure enough to do that.
I told him that the wall is still very much intact, it's just losing a few bricks day by day. He gets that and he's ok with it. He's good for me...he treats me with respect, he wants to take care of me, to help me, to be a support for me. He's done so much in such a short time, he realized that I've been having problems with my car and because of his line of work he has connections in the automotive field. He had my car towed when I had engine problem, he gave me his car to drive while my car was in the shop, he took my car this weekend to get the brakes worked on - again leaving me with his car to drive, he's been with me all week helping me pack the house for my move next weekend....so many things he's done to help me, giving his time to be there as a support. It's definitely a foreign concept to be in a relationship with someone who wants the best for me and wants to take care of me...something I haven't experienced, I was going to say in a long time but I'm not sure I've ever experienced it.
Everyone always comments that I'm strong and confident...ha! The strength is not by choice as much as by necessity. I never felt that I could trust someone else to take care of me or take care of things, so I had to protect myself. The confidence is more of a fake it til you make it mentality. On the outside I look confident but on the inside I am weepy, whiny, and scared. Bleh I'm used to not being able to rely on anyone else so this is new territory...to be able to put certain things in someone else's hands and know that it'll be taken care of. I'm starting to believe that I can actually put my heart into his hands and he'll protect it. I'm not completely ready to hand it over 100% but I allow him to hold my heart for brief moments in time. Those moments get longer and longer as I see him taking care of my heart and treating it with value.
I'm still scared and I've told him as such. He understands the fear and he's willing to hold on and let me work through this, with him by my side. I'm a lucky girl, that's for sure.
3 comments:
"I'm still scared..."
Why?
Seriously, in the past you may have had good reason to be scared but not these days. Rather, try to live each day to the fullest, enjoy what you have, try to be more optimistic, don't expect bad things to happen. Live each day like that because otherwise it's been a wasted day, never to return. People love others who are upbeat, not moody, and so will your guy. Ya gotta phych yourself each morning with these positive thoughts.
You know.. scared.. fear.. they are such negative words to use about yourself.
I am gonna make a request. That you stop using them. Consciously stop. To put yourself in a state of fear - and to embrace the fear as being part of yourself is detrimental I reckon.
Acknowledge that relationships haven't come easy for you - but also acknowledge the fantastic feelings you are getting from this guy.. it is a better place to be - rather than lagging back in 'fear'.. embrace the 'happy'.
I will no longer take 'fear of being hurt' as an excuse. It's anticipating something from your past to happen again.. and the past is the past my dear..
Embrace the now.. embrace the happy.
xx
OH I am soooo happy!!!! Thats how I was hoping you would feel! YAY! I am so proud of you! I think making your profile hidden was a HUGE step for you! He sounds like a great guy. No need to rush anything. Just keep on enjoying it.!
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