Monday Blahs
Eh, it's Monday. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing much going on this weekend really. My travel plans for California have changed a bit...Instead of leaving first thing in the morning I am leaving the night before and I'm coming back a full day earlier. Cuts a bit of time out of our week but Cali had some issues with scheduling. I don't care to go into them, I'm not sure if they're legitimate or if he's being a shit and at this point I'm not in the mood to play Sherlock Holmes to find out. I realized this weekend that *I* haven't been 100% honest/straightforward with him (i.e., E among other things) and therefore I'm not one to expect him to be totally straight with me. The sucky part is my best friend has opted to throw his unreliable nature into my face with a couple well placed, "I told you sos". Personally I think she's a bit cynical about the situation. She was involved in an affair with a guy she works with and his wife found out. They tried to continue for a bit but in the end he told her he thinks they should just remain *friends*. Uh friends? Yeah that works. Since that happened she's pulled away from me considerably and I don't know if it's coincidence or if she is doing it because of the fact that my relationship with Cali reminds her of the fact that her relationship is over. I don't know...I've tried very hard to be understanding and supportive. I've held off on telling her things about me and Cali in order to keep it from being tossed into her face, but she took great joy in announcing to me that she "Knew he'd jerk me around again...she expects it to happen again. She'll be surprised if I do make the trip to California". as she walked out the door. Hey, thanks girlfriend! I love your support! Anyway, it really hurt me to know that she opted to smirk and tell me that she knew he was a jerk as opposed to supporting me. I'm not an idiot, I see that he has faults and this weekend I realized that I doubt we'll be together for the long haul...but I do need to see this relationship through. To whatever end it will derive. I *need* to make this trip and see where it does go...no regrets.
Cali and I didn't talk at all this weekend. We exchanged a ton of text messages both Saturday and Sunday but no phone calls. Not sure what he was doing all weekend but part of me didn't really care. I hung out being a slug all day Saturday then went to join a new gym. JD, Bug, and I went out to dinner to a local restaurant where a good friend of mine works. Had a nice dinner, B always spoils us rotten when we come in on a day she's working. Came home and just hung out for a bit, getting Bug ready for bed. Nothing earth shattering. Sunday morning JD went to the gym and then Bug and I met him for breakfast. After breakfast I went to the gym and then came home, showered and hung out. We visited with JD's family last night for dinner and that was about it. Got a handful of text messages from Cali last night but otherwise no contact. Eh I'm over it. I am looking forward to seeing him next week but I think I've gone into self preservation mode. I'm preparing myself in case there is a potential for getting hurt next week. I do this all the time...and I'm not sure why I do it. I pick guys that I know won't be able to make me happy - won't be there for me, setting myself up for pain and hurt, then I distance myself while still maintaining the relationship...how fucked up is that? Yeah I have issues. I'll have to talk to my counselor about that.
I was supposed to work today but I woke up feeling crummy. My boss is a huge germophobe and even tho I assured her that I wasn't *sick* she insisted I not come in.
I should go to the gym or take a shower or both but I have zero desire to get my butt moving. LOL Pretty pathetic, I just don't care today. I think it would have helped if I had gone to work, kept me busy and such. But now I think the funk is setting in. Not fun. We have a counseling appt. tonight and I am so not looking forward to it. Just don't wanna go!! I even mentioned that I think we should cancel next Monday's appt. since I leave on Tuesday but JD is INSISTENT that we keep it. He seems to think we'll need that appt. to settle things before I leave. Uh it's going to take a long time for things to get settled. One appt. isn't going to fix our marriage. Blah Last night I had a dream that we were separating. I had already asked JD for a separation and we were working on settling things and who was going to live where, etc. It as kind of surreal. I think once I get back from California I am going to ask JD for a separation. I don't know that I want a divorce...but I think I need some time alone, to think and decide if I want to continue this marriage or move on. Having him here doesn't help my decision making. I start to think that I really want to work on the marriage and then he comes home and does something that infuriates me and I want to run as far and as fast as possible away. I think I need some neutral time away from him....alone. We'll see what happens once I get back from California.
Alrighty I need to get my butt moving. Maybe I'll have something of substance later....though I doubt it.
No comments:
Post a Comment