A little clarification...and some thanks...
A couple of things that have come to mind after reading some comments and emails as well as because I don't know if I've ever really discussed it....
My marriage has been in trouble for the past 3 years or so. We are currently on counselor #4. The issues and problems in my marriage were not caused by my relationship with Cali, Cali is merely a symptom of the troubles that have been ongoing for a while now. Last year we were seeing a counselor who both JD and I felt uncomfortable with. She had made some off color comments during our sessions that put us both in awkward positions. We opted to end the sessions with her. Since it's JD's insurance and the counseling has to be in his name I asked him to find another counselor. That was in May of last year. He sat on it and ignored it. I would remind him regularly that I was not happy in the relationship and that we needed to do something to fix this or figure it out. He did nothing. Finally in November I gave him a deadline, after a long session with my personal counselor. She felt that I needed to put a date on the request otherwise we would be sitting for years in this marriage. This is notorious behavior for him...to bury his head in the sand and ignore the problems in the hopes that they'll either disappear or someone else will handle it. I told him he had until Jan 1...he managed to get off his butt and make the call, we started counseling in late December. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. This is one of the biggest issues in our marriage, his inability to put forth the effort for *us*, which in turn makes me feel as if I'm not valued. He'll make the minimum gesture needed to get me off his back and then let's it all fall by the wayside. This has happened over and over again for years. I feel like I'm in a parent/child relationship as opposed to a marriage. I don't feel as though we're partners....I'm the mommy and he's the child. I do not want this at all.
Last night after our counseling session I was thinking about my relationship with JD and my feelings for him. I do care about him but I do not respect him. I'm sad to admit that but it's the truth. Is it possible to rebuild that respect? I simply do not know. I don't know that any amount of improvement in communication will improve my lack of respect for him. I'm tired of being the mom. I want to be taken care of. I want to know that I can rely on my PARTNER to take care of things, I don't want to have to do all the legwork and provide him with a bulleted list of what needs to be done or what the problems are and then follow behind him to make sure he gets it done. The thing is, if he was totally incapable of accomplishing things or taking the initiative I'd just blame myself for selecting a purely incapable man as my partner. That's not the case with JD, he IS capable, when it's something that matters to him. He can totally take the ball and run with it, I just wish our family motivated him like that.
I wanted to also thank those of you that have posted comments or dropped me an email offering advice and support. It really means a great deal to me knowing that I a) am not alone and b) have people out there that do care. I'm pretty new to this blogworld so I don't have a lot of readers or *blog friends*. It does help knowing I'm not alone, especially when I am feeling so totally alone.
I fully realize that my choice to pursue a relationship with Cali is not the *right* choice necessarily but it's where I am now. So all I can do at this point is make the best of the situation I have found myself in. I do care a great deal about Cali and vice versa. I've struggled with the possibility of walking away from that relationship and at this point I need to allow the relationship to run its course. I'm well aware that the chances of us being a forever thing are not in my favor and quite honestly I don't even know if I'd want that. I'm aware that I can potentially end up devastated and it does scare me. But the positive points in our relationship are a big part of what's keeping me going at this time. I have mentioned a very good friend of mine who knows about Cali and my situation with JD. He's not happy with my choice but he's been there himself and knows how and why I got here. He's offered me advice from the BTDT perspective and while he offers his experience he also knows that I need to go through this on my own until I'm ready to make a change. I really appreciate his perspective and the fact that he supports me without judging me. Truly, he's the only friend I have that I can lean on about this situation...so between him and my *blog* friends I really appreciate it.
On a lighter note, Reduced Fat Oreos ROCK the free world. hehe
My marriage has been in trouble for the past 3 years or so. We are currently on counselor #4. The issues and problems in my marriage were not caused by my relationship with Cali, Cali is merely a symptom of the troubles that have been ongoing for a while now. Last year we were seeing a counselor who both JD and I felt uncomfortable with. She had made some off color comments during our sessions that put us both in awkward positions. We opted to end the sessions with her. Since it's JD's insurance and the counseling has to be in his name I asked him to find another counselor. That was in May of last year. He sat on it and ignored it. I would remind him regularly that I was not happy in the relationship and that we needed to do something to fix this or figure it out. He did nothing. Finally in November I gave him a deadline, after a long session with my personal counselor. She felt that I needed to put a date on the request otherwise we would be sitting for years in this marriage. This is notorious behavior for him...to bury his head in the sand and ignore the problems in the hopes that they'll either disappear or someone else will handle it. I told him he had until Jan 1...he managed to get off his butt and make the call, we started counseling in late December. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. This is one of the biggest issues in our marriage, his inability to put forth the effort for *us*, which in turn makes me feel as if I'm not valued. He'll make the minimum gesture needed to get me off his back and then let's it all fall by the wayside. This has happened over and over again for years. I feel like I'm in a parent/child relationship as opposed to a marriage. I don't feel as though we're partners....I'm the mommy and he's the child. I do not want this at all.
Last night after our counseling session I was thinking about my relationship with JD and my feelings for him. I do care about him but I do not respect him. I'm sad to admit that but it's the truth. Is it possible to rebuild that respect? I simply do not know. I don't know that any amount of improvement in communication will improve my lack of respect for him. I'm tired of being the mom. I want to be taken care of. I want to know that I can rely on my PARTNER to take care of things, I don't want to have to do all the legwork and provide him with a bulleted list of what needs to be done or what the problems are and then follow behind him to make sure he gets it done. The thing is, if he was totally incapable of accomplishing things or taking the initiative I'd just blame myself for selecting a purely incapable man as my partner. That's not the case with JD, he IS capable, when it's something that matters to him. He can totally take the ball and run with it, I just wish our family motivated him like that.
I wanted to also thank those of you that have posted comments or dropped me an email offering advice and support. It really means a great deal to me knowing that I a) am not alone and b) have people out there that do care. I'm pretty new to this blogworld so I don't have a lot of readers or *blog friends*. It does help knowing I'm not alone, especially when I am feeling so totally alone.
I fully realize that my choice to pursue a relationship with Cali is not the *right* choice necessarily but it's where I am now. So all I can do at this point is make the best of the situation I have found myself in. I do care a great deal about Cali and vice versa. I've struggled with the possibility of walking away from that relationship and at this point I need to allow the relationship to run its course. I'm well aware that the chances of us being a forever thing are not in my favor and quite honestly I don't even know if I'd want that. I'm aware that I can potentially end up devastated and it does scare me. But the positive points in our relationship are a big part of what's keeping me going at this time. I have mentioned a very good friend of mine who knows about Cali and my situation with JD. He's not happy with my choice but he's been there himself and knows how and why I got here. He's offered me advice from the BTDT perspective and while he offers his experience he also knows that I need to go through this on my own until I'm ready to make a change. I really appreciate his perspective and the fact that he supports me without judging me. Truly, he's the only friend I have that I can lean on about this situation...so between him and my *blog* friends I really appreciate it.
On a lighter note, Reduced Fat Oreos ROCK the free world. hehe
2 comments:
ok..good.. now I understand more about what's going on.
I do understand very much about your marriage as it is about the same as mine.
(hugs) Sandi
Thanks, Sandi. I've tried to explain some of the issues in my marriage but in an effort to maintain some level of anonymity I know other specifics have been left out. After your last comment I felt that it was important to make a few clarifications. Thank you for that. :)
Drama
Post a Comment