10 Days...

and so much has happened. Where do I start? First of all let me say that things with AC are over...done...finished. Today was the official ending, we met to exchange the personal items we each had of the others. I felt a twinge of sadness as he got back into his truck and pulled away but I now know that we were not meant to be. The time we spent together was a whirlwind, he swept me away and sucked me in and when reality set in he ran scared. Part of me wonders if he'd have given it a chance, if we would have made it but I'll never know and I'm not going to worry about it.

After talking extensively with my counselor and finally managing to engage my brain I realized that my out of control behavior was probably triggered by the fact that I had skipped my medication for 3 straight days, the weekend I spent with AC. Bad Drama. Shortly after starting back on the meds I noticed that I was thinking much more rationally and actually angry at him for some of the things he did/said during the episode as opposed to feeling like it was all my fault.

In other news, the week that AC and I had our *issues* I ended up getting in touch with JM. I can't tell you why I did but I did. I sent him an email and just asked if we could talk. He replied back that he'd call me that evening. We ended up talking for over 2 hours. To the outsider, our relationship probably seems messed up due to our history. Some would probably say that I'm crazy for giving him all these chances but I firmly believe (as he does as well) that we continue to come back together after breaking apart for a reason. Each time he gets cold feet and pulls back, somehow/someway we manage to find our way back to each other. It's not like we live in the same neighborhood or pass each other at work. We're literally an hour apart. Maybe I'll look back and wonder what in the world I was thinking or maybe we'll be together a long time and be perfectly happy...I don't know. All I do know is that I care a lot about him and he's maintained through it all that he feels the same way. I'm trying very hard to keep this light and not crowd him. He came over last night and we shared a bottle of wine and talked.....a lot. I told him that if he ever feels crowded or scared, I want him to tell me. If he needs space, I want him to tell me instead of just walking away. Every time this has happened he's said that once he panics and pulls away, he wants to call but he's afraid I will tell him to go to hell so he doesn't contact me. It's like a vicious circle...one that I hope we can break.

He told me to make reservations for dinner at my favorite restaurant tomorrow night because he knows he needs to really make it up to me. I told him that dinner at my fave place wasn't going to cut it...he said he knows that. I don't know where we're going to end up but I do know that I really want to see it through. Everyone reading this probably thinks I'm crazy and maybe I am but the connection between us and the ease of being together is just undeniable and something I can't ignore. He's said the same thing....which is what's scary to him. So we're sort of back together. I'm still scared that he'll run but only time will tell. I enjoy every minute we spend together and look forward to them...cautious but hopeful about the future.

I was talking to my counselor and she commented that in past relationships I seem to have gotten *immersed* in my partner's life and persona so to speak. She mentioned Cali and AC in particular. In such a short time I knew so much about AC and his kids and his daily routine, which at the time I thought was kind of cool. In hindsight it almost appears that we had no boundaries...there was nothing that we didn't share or know about each other. Kind of a case of too much too soon. In some ways Cali was that way as well. I started to listen to his type of music more, I found myself checking out things I knew he enjoyed, in an attempt to be closer to him...why couldn't I maintain my own identity? Ironically as we were talking I started to think about my relationship with JM. That didn't happen with us. It's possibly because we have so many of the same interests but there are things that he enjoys that aren't/weren't interests of mine. I have not tried to adapt those to my life or anything like I did with Cali and AC. Granted I have allowed him to spin through that revolving door and maybe that's my immersion in this relationship, I don't know. I'm trying to work through it and figure out why I do it and how to tell that I am doing it before I lose my sense of self. Just another part of the journey I suppose.

In other news, Cali has continued to surface every couple of days despite me saying it's over. He doesn't talk about us, it's more of a casual conversation and I haven't bothered to push the envelope at this point. I will talk to him, we didn't end things on a negative note...I do still care about him but I don't feel that there is any chance for us. I think he thinks that there IS a chance, he hasn't said it in so many words but why else would he be continuing to call? Not in his character at all. Quite honestly I'm indifferent to his phone calls...

JD and I are slowly moving towards divorce. We've agreed to use one lawyer and to negotiate things between us. We're going to talk the early part of next week to start that process...should be interesting.

Work is work, I really need to start focusing on finding a new gig. The money sucks, the hours are crappy, and well I just hate the place. Outside of maybe 3 people that work there I have no use for any of them.

Bug is doing fabulously! He's deep into preschool this year, learning a lot and meeting new kids. His class this year is still fairly small but it's a nice mix of boys and girls as opposed to last year when it was all boys with ONE girl. I'm glad it's a more even ratio this year. He's growing up so quickly. There is truly something every day that he says or does that amazes me.

In weight loss news after pretty much blowing it off and not attending any meetings or focusing on taking care of myself for weeks, I went back to a weight loss meeting last weekend. I went to lunch with my old leader and she recommended changing offices to see if I liked it better and could connect with the other leader. I think it worked. At this point I appear to be down at least 2 lbs. this week, possibly more. I weigh in tomorrow morning so we shall see. I'm not 100% focused as I was the first time around but I am so much closer. I've gained back a bit of the weight over the summer and I really need to have it gone. I refuse to buy pants for winter in a larger size so until I lose what I gained I will suffer through with what I have. It's my punishment for eating poorly and letting things get out of hand I suppose. I can do this and I will.

I think that's enough for tonight. Whew so much to update. Life is going ok but there are so many loose ends dealing with the divorce and where I'll be working/living, etc. One step at a time, one day at a time...it's all I can do.