Round and round...
the thoughts in my head keep going round and round. I start to feel good and confident and secure and then some teeny tiny comment throws me for a loop and my thoughts begin to spin out of control again. I want to be calm, mature, rational....bahahaha....like that'll ever happen.
I want to be on my own, my own place that has traces of no other man or relationship. My own space that I've created that doesn't evoke memories of my past or my past relationship(s). A fresh start...to be all mine. The rub is....I also want someone. I want someone to treasure me and cherish me and support me. Someone that I can rely on for anything and everything *IF* I need to. I don't want to have to rely on anyone nor do I want anyone to have to rely on me....but if needed, we would be able to, effortlessly. I am tired of questioning if I'm *good enough* or if I'm worthy enough....or if I'm just ENOUGH for that matter. In most cases while logically I know I am worth it, my knee jerk reaction and emotions are such that I don't feel that I'm worth it. Why would anyone want *ME*? What could I possibly have to give that is of any value? That becomes the straw that breaks the camels back in most cases. It can become tiring to continually have to prove that you believe another is *worthy*, to be supportive of those insecurities. I want to feel that 110% without a doubt I am desperately wanted and desired and cherished. That I am THE ONE and ONLY ONE. Is that too much to ask? Is it an impossibility? I start to feel it within the context of a relationship and then immediately I begin to manufacture reasons why it's really not true. He's playing me, he's not serious, he's just confused and will realize it's a mistake soon enough....and on and on. So much so that I end up somehow, someway pushing him away. Pushing to get him to prove his *love* for me...prove that I'm worth it....to the point that they walk. Exhausted from jumping through all the hoops I've created and set in front of them. Meanwhile I sit here confused and wondering what I did...but deep in my heart I KNOW what I did.
How does anyone survive as a single mom? Do they all have fabulous jobs or ex husbands with amazingly well paid careers? While I realize and know in my heart that this divorce is the very best possible thing for me, I also struggle with the fears and concern of how am I going to make it alone? I know I can do the day to day mundane things as far as maintaining a household, etc. But financially I am terrified....
Good grief, as I reread this it's literally all over the board. I apologize for the lack of coherence...this is just a tiny portion of the *stuff* swirling around in my head.
5 comments:
Good grief girl! Would you please get out of my head and quit telling everybody all my thoughts? LOL
Seriously, I have had every single one of the thoughts you've shared here. I wish I had the answers. Oh how I wish I did.
Hang in there.
LOL...its kind of scary isn't it? I'm so overwhelmed but I'm sure you know that already. ;)
I remember feeling just like you are when I got divorced. Exactly.Like.That.
What I can tell you from this side of 14 years divorced is:
a) it's never as bad as you imagine it might be.
b) you have strength you didn't even know you posessed.
c) it takes at least a year before it all starts to settle down and starts to feel like YOUR life.
d) You begin to believe in yourself again and until you do it takes every ounce of willpower you have not to drown those around you in your neediness.
What always helped me when my mind was swirling like yours is, was journaling.
You will be fine. I am not sure how, but it all works itself out. I have been on my own now with my girls for 9 months. And, there are days I am not sure how we do it, but we continue. Take a deep breathe, you will be fine.
How do single moms survive? I don't know about others but here is what I do:
I work two jobs. My second job I work when my son is with his dad on Friday nights.
I make sure to get along with my ex husband so when I need a break he will take our son for the whole weekend.
I haven't really purchased anything for myself is ages, mostly it's all what my son needs. That way I'm not spending too much money.
I rely a lot on the support of my parents who I am so lucky to have close by.
I also make sure that my son sees his dad nearly every day so that he knows that even though we are separated, we are on the same page when it comes to him, something that is easy for us to do because we do get along now. It was when we were married that we couldn't stand one another.
What else? I save money by always paying for things with big bills and always putting away the $1 bills when I get my change. Today breakfast was $7, so the other $3 gets put away. By the end of the month I will have saved at least $100 that way and I can treat us to dinner or go out and buy him a game or whatever.
I try to look for places to live where the utilities are included in the rent. Those extra bills can really kill you when they are different every month. We have also lived without cable for eons now. And I'm still driving my piece of crap car because I can't afford to get it replaced.
I survive, you will too, it's just a major adjustment to the lifestyle, at least it was to mine.
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