Spinning out of control
Yeah that's my thoughts and feelings...totally out of control. I start to feel pretty confident with the way things are going and then something triggers my raging insecurities and I can't even think straight. I'm such a freaking mess. Why can't I accept that someone would want to be with me? Why can't I just accept things as they are and not worry about *what ifs* or *whys* or anyone else for that matter? AC has made it abundantly clear that he is in this because he truly wants to be. He's not super vocal about his feelings...I mean he will let me know that he's been thinking about me, etc but it's not a constant or continual dialogue. Why isn't that enough? Why isn't the fact that he drove all the way out to take me to lunch today despite being sick enough in the way of comfort for me? Why do I need that reinforcement? Why can't I accept myself as is and think I am worthy?? I know that I will easily drive him away if I don't ease up and stop that inner voice that's pushing me to test him. I find myself testing him over and over and for the time being he's passing those tests. But AC is not one to be pushed or pressured...he'll walk and I know that. It could mean losing out on something that has the potential to be pretty amazing if I screw this up. Why do I have to worry about the future and where this is going? Why can't I just enjoy it and *BE* right now? Why do I need to have all these ridiculous insecure thoughts swirling around in my head? Why can't I shut off my mind?
Saw AC for lunch today. I felt like each time I reached for his hand or to touch him, it wasn't reciprocated. He didn't pull away but he also didn't jump at the chance to touch me. However, on a couple of occasions out of the blue he put his arms around me or held my hand or touched me. In fact at one point he was standing behind me and wrapped his arms around me in a tremendous bear hug. ::sigh:: It was wonderful. Instead of just accepting that and realizing that it's probably just how he's wired I immediately started to assume that he's not interested in me. He is also coming down with a nasty upper respiratory thing which means he was a bit cranky today. Of course, instead of realizing that it's just him and how he deals, I looked to myself to see why I'm not enough. How fucked up is that?
Because of my experience with JM and his disappearing despite insisting that our relationship was the best thing he's ever known I find myself clouding my relationship with AC. I can still feel the sick feeling in my stomach....the emptiness when he just disappeared without any contact. I just assume that AC will do it... He's made some comments that are similar to things that JM had said in the past. AC commented that he's kind of scared by how comfortable he feels with me, how much he thinks about me, etc. He said he's never felt like this. All very similar to words I heard from JM...before his disappearing act(s). Is it any wonder that I keep waiting for AC to disappear into thin air as well? This totally sucks.
Ok gotta get Bug ready for bed. More later maybe.
Saw AC for lunch today. I felt like each time I reached for his hand or to touch him, it wasn't reciprocated. He didn't pull away but he also didn't jump at the chance to touch me. However, on a couple of occasions out of the blue he put his arms around me or held my hand or touched me. In fact at one point he was standing behind me and wrapped his arms around me in a tremendous bear hug. ::sigh:: It was wonderful. Instead of just accepting that and realizing that it's probably just how he's wired I immediately started to assume that he's not interested in me. He is also coming down with a nasty upper respiratory thing which means he was a bit cranky today. Of course, instead of realizing that it's just him and how he deals, I looked to myself to see why I'm not enough. How fucked up is that?
Because of my experience with JM and his disappearing despite insisting that our relationship was the best thing he's ever known I find myself clouding my relationship with AC. I can still feel the sick feeling in my stomach....the emptiness when he just disappeared without any contact. I just assume that AC will do it... He's made some comments that are similar to things that JM had said in the past. AC commented that he's kind of scared by how comfortable he feels with me, how much he thinks about me, etc. He said he's never felt like this. All very similar to words I heard from JM...before his disappearing act(s). Is it any wonder that I keep waiting for AC to disappear into thin air as well? This totally sucks.
Ok gotta get Bug ready for bed. More later maybe.
7 comments:
I understand, I have the same feelings sometimes. Men do not have subtext. Don't worry so much, just enjoy him. It is hard, but you can do it.
Well it looks like you are seeking dialogue whereas he prefers to say 'I love you' in actions. I'd go for his style, because at the end of the day, talk is easy and talk is cheap, but doing things like going all that way to have lunch with you, speaks a lot louder than words hon.
You're judging him on the actions of others. Don't do that, let him be who he is and see if you love HIM. Don't compare. You'd hate it if he was doing that about you so give him that at least :)
Don't keep looking for the 'ah ha I knew he'd be just like the others'. Instead keep looking at him for who he is and for what he does with and for you. He's the only one with you in the relationship, not any of those who came before him.
Give him a chance hon, just give him a chance. Don't over-work the situation, nor over-think it. Relax, enjoy and let your love flow to him.
Hugs
I think we (women) all do it to an extent. I'm never happy to just be, it's like I need conflict or drama to be happy, yet when there is none I let my mind create some. Every little thing he does triggers thought in my mind, and rarely is it good thought. It's usually harmful as in I over analyze EVERYTHING and end up in a bad mood then I have him saying "What's wrong, why are you so quiet.." and then I go on about all the shit in my head and next thing I know we are fighting.
That doesn't mean that the thoughts we have aren't justified.. it just means that men can't handle being in a womans head, not even for a minute.
I think you are right, Fiona. I'm learning more and more each day. We had a fabulous weekend and while there were some moments that I had to fight back the urge to start the judging, I really focused on the sweet things he did. Opening my door everywhere we went - even when I was driving, buying my favorite wine, moving his truck over so that I could park in the driveway when I got there late last night, taking me out to breakfast this am because it's my *favorite* meal to eat out even though he's not a breakfast eater...all probably seem like silly little things but each one is testament to his thoughtfulness.
I have also noticed that he's not much of a talker in general. I learned a lot this weekend and I think that some of our conversations helped both of us to understand each other a little better. At one point I interpreted something as a sort of rejection and when it finally came out in conversation I realized that he wasn't even aware of it happening, much less the implications that I attached to it. Thankfully he sensed something was wrong and pursued it to find out...otherwise I probably would have been left with the wrong impression.
So all is good...for now. hehe
Drama
That doesn't mean that the thoughts we have aren't justified.. it just means that men can't handle being in a womans head, not even for a minute.
LOLOL Middle Child...I think you are *SO* right.
Oh I can assure you I still have 'those moments'. But now I tell them to myself instead of blurting them out like a spoiled child, to him.
I have come to know he's doing the absolute best by me, for me and with me. And sometimes that doesn't quite match up with my expectations or needs. But that's because I let fear or some other little niggling negative thought invade me. And it's ME doing that and I have to stop. And I'm almost there, because I've stopped looking for reasons this will fail, instead I embrace each and every reason to know it will succeed.
And I wish you all the happiness in the world Drama, with this man who truly does appreciate and respect you.
Thanks Fiona Good to know that I'm in good company. :-) This morning is wrought with doubts and insecurities that I'm trying to fight but I'm crabby, feeling ill, and haven't talked to him even though he had said he'd call...so I'm dealing as best as I can.
Drama
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