Successfully avoiding the inevitable....
The title sounds more ominous than the actual situation...lol. I have to finish unloading/loading the dishwasher, I have to finish laundry, I have to get things ready for work tomorrow...none of which I want to do. I'm being lazy and avoiding it all. Was a hectic, stressful, but fun weekend and I'm not ready to head back to work. So much going on...some things have been settled over this weekend.
Last week AC invited me over for dinner, to thank me for picking him up at the airport. He made the most delicious dinner complete with candlelight. I was flattered and shocked. No man has *ever* made me dinner outside of the occasional mac & cheese or spaghetti and Ragu..hehe. This was steaks, steamed broccoli, and a salad. He refused to let me help, not even to get out serving spoons or anything. Fabulous night.
Friday was the rehearsal for the wedding Bug was in. It was JDs family which meant a high level of stress for me. I realized how much I've already detached myself from his family, I felt totally out of place. After the dinner I made a point to leave as soon as I could. Just needed to get away from there and breathe a bit. AC kept asking me to come out to his place that night but normally I would have Bug. On a last minute decision, JD decided to take Bug for the night so I did end up going out to see AC. Watched a movie and snuggled.
The wedding was Saturday which meant the ENTIRE day was spent with JD and his family. It went ok, I managed to pretend I was happy to be there but it was awkward and uncomfortable. Managed to get through it and we all left shortly after dinner. Bug was exhausted and I was ready to get away from the whole family scene. That evening JD took Bug again since it was his *normal* night. I drove out to ACs to see him...I ended up spending the night, we fell asleep watching a movie. So nice to be cuddled up in his arms all night. Got up this am and went to breakfast together. I didn't want to leave but I managed to drag myself away from him to get home.
Had lunch with some friends which was great to catch up...then home to see my Bug. Hung out the rest of the evening doing pretty much nothing.
On Friday night I called JM and of course he didn't answer, just like 99% of the time that I call him. I decided that this was the time to just let it all out and put my cards on the table so to speak. Told him that while I realize he's a busy single dad with a stressful job, I didn't think a quick text message or phone call on his way to or from work was much to ask for. I also pointed out how he's insisted that he's going nowhere and that he wanted this to work. I told him that I
felt as if I was inconsequential and that he was not willing to give me what I need. I don't expect some grand commitment or gesture...just some respect and a little contact. I asked him to call me so that we could talk about the situation and that if I didn't hear from him I would take that as a message and not contact him. As I suspected, I received no contact. Not even an email or text. I think that I was ready for that...I have been feeling it for a bit but I think I was avoiding it. While I do/did care about him and was happy with him when we were together, the lack of effort on his part to maintain any type of contact or relationship at the other times really didn't sit well with me.
Since I was on a roll...lol...after ending my message to JM, I called Cali. I guess Friday was my day to make a clean break in a number of relationships, so to speak. I basically let Cali know how I had been feeling and that I was tired of him expecting me to just be waiting around for him whenever he had some free time or felt moved to call me. I deserved and needed more than that and the fact that he goes home to his wife every night and I'm expected to be ok with that and he gets upset when I have a friend visit is unacceptable. That he didn't have a right to be upset or jealous and I was tired of it. I told him that I didn't have the desire to sit around waiting for him when he may very well never make any move....and I was moving on with my life. As expected, no call...nothing. He had ample opportunity to call me and the way I see it in both cases...if I meant even a small percentage of what THEY meant to me...they would have easily found a way to call sometime over the weekend. There is simply NO EXCUSE and I'm not accepting any. It felt good to get it all out in the open and I hung up from both calls KNOWING that neither would call. I guess I knew all along that it had ended but needed to make that break myself...say the words that needed to be said. So those chapter(s) have ended, that book is closed never to be reopened again. I feel so much better.
The weekend with AC was fabulous...he's funny, adorable, sweet, romantic, and such a freakin' gentleman. He insists on opening doors, helping me with my coat, etc. Just the way he was raised. He's definitely a *man's man* in that he loves to hang with the boys, watch football, have a few beers, and do the usual guy stuff, etc. But he's also the sweetest most thoughtful man who cries at the sweet parts in movies, kisses his friends (on the cheek of course...lol) and tells them he loves them, and calls his mom a couple times a day including when he first gets up in the morning. I love that about him. I'm terrified...the fear of history repeating itself is sometimes paralyzing but I am having fun getting to know him and it's not enough to keep me from learning more about him. I don't know if I'm brave, a hopeless romantic, or just plain stupid...lol...but I want to take the chance. I am trying very hard not to repeat past mistakes or behaviors...to not let this relationship play out like JM. I know it will never be the same as my relationship with Cali, that was a messed up relationship from the beginning. However, I can't help but carry the pain and fears from both and in some ways compare his actions to what I've experienced in the past. Not healthy and not good and I'm definitely working on it because it's not fair to him. As Fiona commented, he deserves his own chance, not to be compared in the shadow of someone else. So I'm accepting him as AC...as he is, how he is, what he is. That makes me smile...cuz I really like what he is.
Time to get the stuff done. G'nite all.
Last week AC invited me over for dinner, to thank me for picking him up at the airport. He made the most delicious dinner complete with candlelight. I was flattered and shocked. No man has *ever* made me dinner outside of the occasional mac & cheese or spaghetti and Ragu..hehe. This was steaks, steamed broccoli, and a salad. He refused to let me help, not even to get out serving spoons or anything. Fabulous night.
Friday was the rehearsal for the wedding Bug was in. It was JDs family which meant a high level of stress for me. I realized how much I've already detached myself from his family, I felt totally out of place. After the dinner I made a point to leave as soon as I could. Just needed to get away from there and breathe a bit. AC kept asking me to come out to his place that night but normally I would have Bug. On a last minute decision, JD decided to take Bug for the night so I did end up going out to see AC. Watched a movie and snuggled.
The wedding was Saturday which meant the ENTIRE day was spent with JD and his family. It went ok, I managed to pretend I was happy to be there but it was awkward and uncomfortable. Managed to get through it and we all left shortly after dinner. Bug was exhausted and I was ready to get away from the whole family scene. That evening JD took Bug again since it was his *normal* night. I drove out to ACs to see him...I ended up spending the night, we fell asleep watching a movie. So nice to be cuddled up in his arms all night. Got up this am and went to breakfast together. I didn't want to leave but I managed to drag myself away from him to get home.
Had lunch with some friends which was great to catch up...then home to see my Bug. Hung out the rest of the evening doing pretty much nothing.
On Friday night I called JM and of course he didn't answer, just like 99% of the time that I call him. I decided that this was the time to just let it all out and put my cards on the table so to speak. Told him that while I realize he's a busy single dad with a stressful job, I didn't think a quick text message or phone call on his way to or from work was much to ask for. I also pointed out how he's insisted that he's going nowhere and that he wanted this to work. I told him that I
felt as if I was inconsequential and that he was not willing to give me what I need. I don't expect some grand commitment or gesture...just some respect and a little contact. I asked him to call me so that we could talk about the situation and that if I didn't hear from him I would take that as a message and not contact him. As I suspected, I received no contact. Not even an email or text. I think that I was ready for that...I have been feeling it for a bit but I think I was avoiding it. While I do/did care about him and was happy with him when we were together, the lack of effort on his part to maintain any type of contact or relationship at the other times really didn't sit well with me.
Since I was on a roll...lol...after ending my message to JM, I called Cali. I guess Friday was my day to make a clean break in a number of relationships, so to speak. I basically let Cali know how I had been feeling and that I was tired of him expecting me to just be waiting around for him whenever he had some free time or felt moved to call me. I deserved and needed more than that and the fact that he goes home to his wife every night and I'm expected to be ok with that and he gets upset when I have a friend visit is unacceptable. That he didn't have a right to be upset or jealous and I was tired of it. I told him that I didn't have the desire to sit around waiting for him when he may very well never make any move....and I was moving on with my life. As expected, no call...nothing. He had ample opportunity to call me and the way I see it in both cases...if I meant even a small percentage of what THEY meant to me...they would have easily found a way to call sometime over the weekend. There is simply NO EXCUSE and I'm not accepting any. It felt good to get it all out in the open and I hung up from both calls KNOWING that neither would call. I guess I knew all along that it had ended but needed to make that break myself...say the words that needed to be said. So those chapter(s) have ended, that book is closed never to be reopened again. I feel so much better.
The weekend with AC was fabulous...he's funny, adorable, sweet, romantic, and such a freakin' gentleman. He insists on opening doors, helping me with my coat, etc. Just the way he was raised. He's definitely a *man's man* in that he loves to hang with the boys, watch football, have a few beers, and do the usual guy stuff, etc. But he's also the sweetest most thoughtful man who cries at the sweet parts in movies, kisses his friends (on the cheek of course...lol) and tells them he loves them, and calls his mom a couple times a day including when he first gets up in the morning. I love that about him. I'm terrified...the fear of history repeating itself is sometimes paralyzing but I am having fun getting to know him and it's not enough to keep me from learning more about him. I don't know if I'm brave, a hopeless romantic, or just plain stupid...lol...but I want to take the chance. I am trying very hard not to repeat past mistakes or behaviors...to not let this relationship play out like JM. I know it will never be the same as my relationship with Cali, that was a messed up relationship from the beginning. However, I can't help but carry the pain and fears from both and in some ways compare his actions to what I've experienced in the past. Not healthy and not good and I'm definitely working on it because it's not fair to him. As Fiona commented, he deserves his own chance, not to be compared in the shadow of someone else. So I'm accepting him as AC...as he is, how he is, what he is. That makes me smile...cuz I really like what he is.
Time to get the stuff done. G'nite all.
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