Drama's Brain...or lack thereof
First off let me post a wee little update on my dad. We're back from the trip, it was stressful but very much needed. I am so glad that Bug and I went. Dad is doing better...he's been sitting up a bit each day and they're slowly weaning him from the ventilator. I hope to make it out to see him for his 80th birthday, finances willing. Thanks for all the good wishes and positive vibes...they're helping!!
In other news...well not really news 'cuz it's my brain and my inability to think rationally....a daily occurrence, I really need to learn to keep my resolve. Why do I continue to follow/pursue men that are unavailable. I don't mean married men...I mean men that are unwilling or unable to provide the connection that I desire and need. Why do I always seem to be attracted to and attract the guy that wants to play games, the one who is *confused* or afraid of commitment? Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely NOT looking for my next husband, but is it so much to ask to find someone who I can spend time with and not wonder at every turn if he's going to be around tomorrow? I sometimes feel as if I should just hole myself up in a hotel somewhere, far away from the general population and definitely away from the MALE population. But damnit, I love men. LOL I love the way I feel in their arms, I love how they smell, I love their voices, their mannerisms....I think I'm hopeless. I've been dating a couple guys and keep talking a big game that it's "casual" and I'm not looking for a one on one relationship, blah blah blah...that's a bunch of crap. I so desperately crave that...again, not the marriage, house, white picket fence kinda thing but the we can rely on each other when/if we need to and we know the other will be there for us, and I know I'll be having sex on a regular basis, kinda thing.
So there's the army dude. He's adorable, funny, silly, a true gentleman. He was in a very bland, semi sexual marriage for 15+ yrs. She felt that oral sex was dirty, french kissing was gross, etc. He made the commitment to her when they first married and therefore he lived with it because, well, that's what you do when you take those marriage vows. Ironically, while he was deployed overseas, she managed to land herself a boyfriend, hence the reason their marriage is ending now. He's extremely hesitant to do anything remotely physical....we've dated a few times and talked extensively about EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY subject possible. Our nighttime phone calls have covered politics, children, families, religion, sex, and many subjects in between. We held hands ONE TIME, when we went to a haunted house around Halloween....up until last night and only at MY insistence, he had yet to kiss me, even a simple peck. I'm not used to this, going slow....not experiencing each other romantically/physically. In a way it feels really cool but in a way it makes me second guess myself. How screwed up is that? I keep thinking that he must not find me attractive since he can manage to avoid kissing or touching me at all. I think I need to learn to slow down....I mean, this could really potentially be a great thing sitting in front of me and I'm not seeing it. Even last night after he finally kissed me, I could feel him pulling back...immediately the REJECTION lights and flags went up....why else would he pull away when he is kissing me? It couldn't possibly be that he's dealing with his own personal set of demons, right? Nah, it's GOT TO BE ME!! Yep cuz I'm flawed and not worthy. Only explanation. We did talk about it and I told him how I felt, he assured me that it had NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with him. My biggest question, can I be patient enough to let him work through the issues he's struggling with to let this play out and let it grow at it's own pace? I'm oh so good at self sabotage, I don't know if I can hold back and be patient.
Then there is the cop. Cute, funny, sexy, an amazing kisser...very affectionate. We had so much fun together. He was constantly sending me sweet text messages, etc. We dated a couple times. I vowed that I was not going to repeat the history that has played out with AC and JM. I was not going to get physically involved so quickly...no no no no. BAHAHAHAHA Good luck with that, Drama. Sunday night found me at his place for dinner. We had a fabulous time (or so I thought), dinner, cuddling on the couch in front of the fireplace, kissing, flirting, etc. We found ourselves in the bedroom....quickly getting *physical*. I pulled away, told him I couldn't do it. He was extremely sweet about it, he understood, it was ok he assured me, we could just lie there and hold each other. Ok great. Yeah sure...that lasted about 5 minutes. Not by his efforts, but simply my own. At least twice he asked me if I was sure that I wanted to continue this, I assured him that it was ok. I ended up spending the night. Left his place to head to work, he walked me out to my car, kissed me, said goodbye, etc. Contact since then has been sporadic and spotty. Of course in my twisted, dark, scary mind he was simply using me and now that we've slept together I've outlived my usefulness. My heart is trying very hard to hold onto the possibility that he's just gotten busy and that in his mind the fact that we slept together isn't that big of a deal...things are the same as they were before. But I can't help feeling that the volume of text messages has dwindled drastically...though he did answer his phone when I called today and called me back when we got disconnected. But again, the insecurities keep niggling at me that I'm not good enough and now that he's gotten what he wants he's done. The sad part...if I hadn't gone ahead and slept with him, NONE of these emotions would be running rampant in my wee little brain. I'm somewhat invested now that I've opened myself up to him...and that's the largest, most intimate form of rejection that I can imagine. I can tell myself that I don't care and quite honestly IF I hadn't allowed our relationship to move to that point I'd probably not be terribly worked up at his lack of contact or imagined lack of contact...I'd simply move on and if he calls, he calls and if not...oh well, his loss. But now it's a glaring rejection and it's making me crazy. I have nobody to blame for it other than myself and I know it. I knew it walking into his house, in fact I made a promise to myself that I would NOT sleep with him...I would not allow our relationship to move to that level...because I know myself and I knew that this would be the result. I open myself up and each time I get rejected, whether real or imagined. Once I feel that rejection, I find myself acting different. Somewhat reserved but clingy, testing their *love* for me...asking leading questions to see if their answers meet up with my expectations and needs. Totally fucked up but yeah, it's me and it's reality. How messed up am I?
The really sad part is that throughout this entire mess if JM was to call me tomorrow and ask me to take him back, I'd take him back. How truly screwed up is that? He can't or won't give me what I need/want but I would take him back. He feels like home...that's scary, isn't it? Home feels like someone who won't or can't support me unconditionally, who can't be there for me whenever I need them....whew...I have some major freakin' issues.
I wish I had the ability (financially and timewise) to just go away for a while. No men, no kids, nothing. Just by myself...maybe to a spa or somewhere that I could take walks and think...just be by myself instead of filling up my mind with all this CRAP. I think that it's been easier to fill up the void...the emptiness with activities and guys and all the junk than to stop and think and learn what *I* want. But damnit, like I said, I like men....all aspects of them. ::sigh::
Maybe I'll become a nun?
In other news...well not really news 'cuz it's my brain and my inability to think rationally....a daily occurrence, I really need to learn to keep my resolve. Why do I continue to follow/pursue men that are unavailable. I don't mean married men...I mean men that are unwilling or unable to provide the connection that I desire and need. Why do I always seem to be attracted to and attract the guy that wants to play games, the one who is *confused* or afraid of commitment? Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely NOT looking for my next husband, but is it so much to ask to find someone who I can spend time with and not wonder at every turn if he's going to be around tomorrow? I sometimes feel as if I should just hole myself up in a hotel somewhere, far away from the general population and definitely away from the MALE population. But damnit, I love men. LOL I love the way I feel in their arms, I love how they smell, I love their voices, their mannerisms....I think I'm hopeless. I've been dating a couple guys and keep talking a big game that it's "casual" and I'm not looking for a one on one relationship, blah blah blah...that's a bunch of crap. I so desperately crave that...again, not the marriage, house, white picket fence kinda thing but the we can rely on each other when/if we need to and we know the other will be there for us, and I know I'll be having sex on a regular basis, kinda thing.
So there's the army dude. He's adorable, funny, silly, a true gentleman. He was in a very bland, semi sexual marriage for 15+ yrs. She felt that oral sex was dirty, french kissing was gross, etc. He made the commitment to her when they first married and therefore he lived with it because, well, that's what you do when you take those marriage vows. Ironically, while he was deployed overseas, she managed to land herself a boyfriend, hence the reason their marriage is ending now. He's extremely hesitant to do anything remotely physical....we've dated a few times and talked extensively about EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY subject possible. Our nighttime phone calls have covered politics, children, families, religion, sex, and many subjects in between. We held hands ONE TIME, when we went to a haunted house around Halloween....up until last night and only at MY insistence, he had yet to kiss me, even a simple peck. I'm not used to this, going slow....not experiencing each other romantically/physically. In a way it feels really cool but in a way it makes me second guess myself. How screwed up is that? I keep thinking that he must not find me attractive since he can manage to avoid kissing or touching me at all. I think I need to learn to slow down....I mean, this could really potentially be a great thing sitting in front of me and I'm not seeing it. Even last night after he finally kissed me, I could feel him pulling back...immediately the REJECTION lights and flags went up....why else would he pull away when he is kissing me? It couldn't possibly be that he's dealing with his own personal set of demons, right? Nah, it's GOT TO BE ME!! Yep cuz I'm flawed and not worthy. Only explanation. We did talk about it and I told him how I felt, he assured me that it had NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with him. My biggest question, can I be patient enough to let him work through the issues he's struggling with to let this play out and let it grow at it's own pace? I'm oh so good at self sabotage, I don't know if I can hold back and be patient.
Then there is the cop. Cute, funny, sexy, an amazing kisser...very affectionate. We had so much fun together. He was constantly sending me sweet text messages, etc. We dated a couple times. I vowed that I was not going to repeat the history that has played out with AC and JM. I was not going to get physically involved so quickly...no no no no. BAHAHAHAHA Good luck with that, Drama. Sunday night found me at his place for dinner. We had a fabulous time (or so I thought), dinner, cuddling on the couch in front of the fireplace, kissing, flirting, etc. We found ourselves in the bedroom....quickly getting *physical*. I pulled away, told him I couldn't do it. He was extremely sweet about it, he understood, it was ok he assured me, we could just lie there and hold each other. Ok great. Yeah sure...that lasted about 5 minutes. Not by his efforts, but simply my own. At least twice he asked me if I was sure that I wanted to continue this, I assured him that it was ok. I ended up spending the night. Left his place to head to work, he walked me out to my car, kissed me, said goodbye, etc. Contact since then has been sporadic and spotty. Of course in my twisted, dark, scary mind he was simply using me and now that we've slept together I've outlived my usefulness. My heart is trying very hard to hold onto the possibility that he's just gotten busy and that in his mind the fact that we slept together isn't that big of a deal...things are the same as they were before. But I can't help feeling that the volume of text messages has dwindled drastically...though he did answer his phone when I called today and called me back when we got disconnected. But again, the insecurities keep niggling at me that I'm not good enough and now that he's gotten what he wants he's done. The sad part...if I hadn't gone ahead and slept with him, NONE of these emotions would be running rampant in my wee little brain. I'm somewhat invested now that I've opened myself up to him...and that's the largest, most intimate form of rejection that I can imagine. I can tell myself that I don't care and quite honestly IF I hadn't allowed our relationship to move to that point I'd probably not be terribly worked up at his lack of contact or imagined lack of contact...I'd simply move on and if he calls, he calls and if not...oh well, his loss. But now it's a glaring rejection and it's making me crazy. I have nobody to blame for it other than myself and I know it. I knew it walking into his house, in fact I made a promise to myself that I would NOT sleep with him...I would not allow our relationship to move to that level...because I know myself and I knew that this would be the result. I open myself up and each time I get rejected, whether real or imagined. Once I feel that rejection, I find myself acting different. Somewhat reserved but clingy, testing their *love* for me...asking leading questions to see if their answers meet up with my expectations and needs. Totally fucked up but yeah, it's me and it's reality. How messed up am I?
The really sad part is that throughout this entire mess if JM was to call me tomorrow and ask me to take him back, I'd take him back. How truly screwed up is that? He can't or won't give me what I need/want but I would take him back. He feels like home...that's scary, isn't it? Home feels like someone who won't or can't support me unconditionally, who can't be there for me whenever I need them....whew...I have some major freakin' issues.
I wish I had the ability (financially and timewise) to just go away for a while. No men, no kids, nothing. Just by myself...maybe to a spa or somewhere that I could take walks and think...just be by myself instead of filling up my mind with all this CRAP. I think that it's been easier to fill up the void...the emptiness with activities and guys and all the junk than to stop and think and learn what *I* want. But damnit, like I said, I like men....all aspects of them. ::sigh::
Maybe I'll become a nun?
4 comments:
Re the army guy: yes, there are issues, and they're his, not yours. Talk patiently with him (without hitting him over the head with it in every conversation) about what's causing it. Only you can be the judge as to when you feel you've been patient enough. Sure, he could be all that and a bag of chips - but he could just as easily be damaged goods. Just remember not to project his issues into being your issues.
Re the cop: hey, he's a cop. They have the worst schedules, high levels of dedication to job resulting in less time and energy to devote to relationships - it's why their divorce rate is so unbelievably high. He seems to be interested, but simply busy. Give him a little time and see where it goes - and again, stop projecting onto yourself when it isn't working perfectly.
Re JM: well... you said it yourself. He's unwilling or unable to give you what you need. Just move on, take his phone number out of your cellphone, let his calls go to voicemail. I though Ellen and I would be fantastic together, and it really hit hard when we broke up - but in time I realized just how bad it really would be if we tried making a long-term go of it, even just at the level of being able to "rely on each other" as you call it.
As I see it, you do want something long-term - but not in the traditional way. You want a guy who'll be there for you as a long-term dater, but you don't want to jump in with all the other commitment stuff. That's fine - you just got out of a marriage, it's understandable that you'd be gunshy to jump back in. But when you start talking about someone to "rely" on, you aren't talking casual or short-term. I don't say it's good or bad - just that you should know more precisely just what it really is you're looking for, in order to make it a little easier to find it.
Hey, if you ever have the time and a few dollars to rub together, you're welcome to stop by my place and decompress. It's no spa, but it's a helluva lot cheaper, and with me sleeping days, you'll be relatively undisturbed.
It's hard, the relationship thing. Harder still when esteem issues rear their ugly heads in between you and him. Pulling back and just being alone with you for a while might not be a bad idea. Not an easy one, I'll grant you, but not a bad one.
Didn't I make a comment here? Did it get lost, or did you decline to post it? You can reject this one and let me know by email if you prefer, or a phone call. It's probably past due time we had a chat anyway. I've been a bit introverted lately in terms of my friendships outside my immediate area.
I'm so late in commenting. I too would love the opportunity to get away by myself, a quiet spot to think. But it's not feasible, so here I sit and blog, and blog...
What we crave are pretty basic things, I think: unconditional positive regard, respect, trust. It's not too much to ask, but it's not going to be easy. Who knew the searching would be so fraught...
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