Sad

Just sad. I had a sort of date tonight, I kind of hoped that I'd be able to move forward by dating casually...something to take my mind off JM. Didn't work. The evening just made it glaringly obvious how much I really do love him and how much I miss him. Every single thing about the evening triggered memories and as we sat at a local bar watching a band, I just wanted to get out of there. I didn't care how...I.JUST.WANTED.OUT. I wanted to go home and be by myself. Not to cry - although I have a feeling that's coming - just to be alone. I miss JM...I miss the comfort and ease of our relationship. I felt so completely out of my element and just *off*. Finally I begged illness and we left. I was so relieved when I walked in the door of my house. I didn't have to pretend or fake it any longer. I thought I was doing really well with this breakup, but then something hits me and the next thing I know I'm in a tailspin. I think the possibility of dating is going to be a long time coming...I can't see myself being able to date anytime soon without everything being a reminder of time spent with him. We always had such an amazing time together and it was always so effortless. I miss him, I miss it, I miss us. This hurts so much...I never in a million years expected it to be this difficult. I fell for him, big time....

Now the tears are flowing and I so badly just want to see him or talk to him one last time. I really just want to gain some closure and possibly move on. It's actually kind of ironic that the end of my relationship with Cali was so much less painful. I never really cried once we were over...it just happened and I moved on. With JM it's hurting and I keep hoping he's going to come back...but I think this time is different. I think that we're officially and totally done - for good.

I think I'm going to bed. Good night.