In response to an earlier comment
I started to reply to Neenee in the comments but then realized that my response was pretty darned long and could easily become a post of it's own. So here I am.
I want to thank Neenee for her thoughtful comment/response.
Here is my response/thoughts:
I guess one of the main reasons I'm willing to do this for K right now is that I see a potential with us. We have a very strong relationship, outside of his *issues*...if that makes any sense.
I saw K last night and while I'm allowing him to take the lead in certain areas of our relationship now (level of contact, etc) I'm also not allowing him to control my actions. Not that he ever did but I always made his phone calls a priority, I was always available to him when he needed or wanted me to be. I'm not doing that anymore. I haven't told him directly but I know he feels it. I can see the struggle in his eyes and his actions. For example, he called me last night and I wasn't available. I didn't call him back for a while - I was in the midst of getting my hair done - but when I did I could tell that he was a bit frustrated and almost anxious. I blew it off and didn't make any effort to unruffle his feathers...I let it be. Let him miss me...let him worry a bit.
This morning as I got dressed to leave his house he made a couple comments that were blatantly a sign that he's insecure/nervous about losing me... I didn't assure him but I also didn't tell him I was going anywhere. I'm allowing him to sort of stew in it and think about it. He chose this path...I can't and won't try to make it all better for him. He needs to work on that.
In the meantime I'm moving forward with my life. I'm keeping busy, I have holiday parties coming up, activities with Bug, life to live. I miss him, absolutely, but I'm in a much better emotional state today. The insecurity and anxiousness that he demonstrated over this past weekend has sort of energized me. I know that sounds strange. It's made me realize that I will be ok, I can walk away from this if I have to...it'll hurt but I'm strong enough to do it if that's where I need to go. In the meantime I am not going to allow him to see a weak, wilting, teary-eyed me....he saw glimpses of that on Friday morning but I won't let it through anymore. I want him to know that while I'd prefer to have him in my life, I CAN live withOUT him. Simple as that. I hate having to be strong....lol.
So to sum things up, I am living my own life for ME (and my son). I do miss him but I can survive without him. If we're not meant to be, life will go on and I will find someone that makes me happy.
I want to thank Neenee for her thoughtful comment/response.
Here is my response/thoughts:
I guess one of the main reasons I'm willing to do this for K right now is that I see a potential with us. We have a very strong relationship, outside of his *issues*...if that makes any sense.
I saw K last night and while I'm allowing him to take the lead in certain areas of our relationship now (level of contact, etc) I'm also not allowing him to control my actions. Not that he ever did but I always made his phone calls a priority, I was always available to him when he needed or wanted me to be. I'm not doing that anymore. I haven't told him directly but I know he feels it. I can see the struggle in his eyes and his actions. For example, he called me last night and I wasn't available. I didn't call him back for a while - I was in the midst of getting my hair done - but when I did I could tell that he was a bit frustrated and almost anxious. I blew it off and didn't make any effort to unruffle his feathers...I let it be. Let him miss me...let him worry a bit.
This morning as I got dressed to leave his house he made a couple comments that were blatantly a sign that he's insecure/nervous about losing me... I didn't assure him but I also didn't tell him I was going anywhere. I'm allowing him to sort of stew in it and think about it. He chose this path...I can't and won't try to make it all better for him. He needs to work on that.
In the meantime I'm moving forward with my life. I'm keeping busy, I have holiday parties coming up, activities with Bug, life to live. I miss him, absolutely, but I'm in a much better emotional state today. The insecurity and anxiousness that he demonstrated over this past weekend has sort of energized me. I know that sounds strange. It's made me realize that I will be ok, I can walk away from this if I have to...it'll hurt but I'm strong enough to do it if that's where I need to go. In the meantime I am not going to allow him to see a weak, wilting, teary-eyed me....he saw glimpses of that on Friday morning but I won't let it through anymore. I want him to know that while I'd prefer to have him in my life, I CAN live withOUT him. Simple as that. I hate having to be strong....lol.
So to sum things up, I am living my own life for ME (and my son). I do miss him but I can survive without him. If we're not meant to be, life will go on and I will find someone that makes me happy.
3 comments:
Let him miss me...let him worry a bit...I'm allowing him to sort of stew in it and think about it. He chose this path...I can't and won't try to make it all better for him. He needs to work on that.
Yes. He's a big boy, and needs to act as such. YOU can't keep reacting to his impulses Drama, he has to be the one to realise how his actions are affecting you.
Awww... I feel special that something i said got a WHOLE post. :) I think what you wrote is exactly what I was hoping for. You are an amazing woman and I don't want you to fall for someone if they don't deserve you. I know how it is to make someone your priority and they do not do the same. I think it is a great sign that K is getting so anxious and ruffled. It is about time someone do that over you.
As a guy who had his share of commitment issues myself, I relate to your struggle...but from the opposite side. I was the guy who always had issues and pushed women away...
My take on it is that when push came to shove, and I met the woman I loved (my current wife), I straightened my act up. It wasnt easy, she had to basically slap me into shape by refusing to put up with my bullshit and demanding something better from me. Thank god she did.
It was a close call to be frank, and we came within a hairs breadth of flushing the whole thing down the toilet (more than once). It took a tremendous amount of effort to get past my shit, to get out of some of our piss poor cycles of fighting and mistrust.
But ultimately, i dont think we got there by her letting me have my space and coddling my insecurities. Everyone wants to go with what's most comfortable, and that's how we repeat the same routines (sometimes destructive) over and over again for a lifetime.
Ultimately, I think you deserve better than that and should absolutely demand more than that from this man or any man. As a guy who used to pull that shit constantly, I will say that a good smack upside the head helped me get it. My wife is an incredibly understanding and compassionate woman--she never belittled me, she just knew what she wanted and wouldn't settle for less.
I know you can get what you deserve, good luck.
Aaron
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