Just a wee bit off kilter

I'm not way out there in left or right field, more like left- or right-center. Heh I'm getting there. This week was a mix of meltdowns, anger, relief, and re-opening wounds that had just started to heal a tiny bit. At this point, it's all behind me and I owe it to myself to move on. I still have no idea what happened, the pseudo-Man refuses to discuss what prompted his temper tantrum, told me that I didn't *need* to know. Nice, eh?

I was doing pretty fine all week, I was focusing on getting my place in order - after spending *every* weekend at his place there was a whole lot that had gone neglected at my apartment - as well as focusing on time with Bug and friends. I had a few "I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to go crazy" moments but by and large I was doing ok. Then came the dreaded day...I had to go pick up the remainder of my things from his place. The plan was to pick up my personal items that he had been storing as well as two somewhat sizeable furniture items he was *supposed* to build for Bug. You'll see why I say supposed to. My best friend C had agreed to go with me for moral support and because she has a larger vehicle than I do. Figured that we could at least get the boxes, etc into her vehicle. JM had offered the use of his SUV to carry the larger furniture items. I agreed to have him come along because it would help me to have the SUV and I felt that if T wanted to turn into a jerk I'd have some physical backup to hopefully deter that. After a whole handful of changed plans and almost cancellations, we were all on our way to pick up my things. My heart was pounding so loudly, I was positive it was going to burst out of my chest. I met JM and C at a fast food place down the street from T's so that we could all drive over together. We pulled up and C went to the door with me. JM felt that it was best for him to just stay by the truck and wait to help me move the big stuff. T answered the door and acted as if nothing was wrong, greeting me with one of his trademark greetings. WTF?? I didn't even answer him because I don't think I had a voice at that point. My throat was so dry and it felt like it had closed up completely. We went to his garage and started loading things into C's car. That's when T announced that he hadn't finished the two items for Bug's room and furthermore, the one that he *did* complete he wasn't happy with. He said he'd pay me for the wood if I didn't want the pieces since he figured I would feel as he did. I looked at the item and couldn't decide whether to laugh out loud or cry. It was a total and utter joke. I told him I didn't want the garbage and that he could pay me for the wood. We got all my personal items into the vehicles (didn't need the SUV since he didn't bother to finish the items for Bug!) and I asked him to pay me for the wood. His response, "I'll mail you a check." Uhh....no. I don't want to have to wait or have you play games holding off. It wasn't a tremendously large sum of money but a large enough chunk to make a dent in *my* financial situation. Add to that the fact that I now have to scramble to get something for Bug's room. Bug's been living out of boxes for the past almost 3 months while we waited patiently for T to get motivated to start building. I was sickened. He went upstairs and came back down with cash to pay me for the wood. So he had the funds, he was simply wanting to play a game. We started to leave and I asked him if I could talk to him for a minute. I asked him what had happened between us and his response was, "Things happened". He refused to elaborate and went so far to tell me that I didn't *need* to know his reasons. He made a snide comment about me moving on already as he pointed to JM. I told him he has no idea what he's talking about but of course, he's convinced that he knows all. ::shrug::

We drove off and of course, all the pain that I had been working through that week came rushing back. ::sigh:: I had promised to take JM out to dinner for his offer of help, so we went to dinner at this great Italian restaurant on the way home. He knew that I was hurting and he did everything possible to get my spirits up. Even though I invited him to dinner, he wouldn't allow me to pay.

I'm sure some of you are wondering what *is* going on with me and JM. The answer? Nothing. About a month ago, JM contacted me and he actually apologized for *everything* he ever put me through in our relationship. He said that he finally realized that I was giving him everything I had and he wouldn't let me in. I told him that I had actually moved on and no longer held any hard feelings for him. He explained that he had met a girl and history had repeated itself. However, this time when he went back to try to get her back she had already met someone else and shot him down. He realized then that he had really treated me poorly and said he was ashamed of what he had done. We've kept in touch sporadically and at this point we are each other's support system. I'm his conscience when he gets the overwhelming urge to send a text or email begging her to take him back and he's mine. We have talked about the fact that we both have/had feelings for each other but neither of us is ready to even consider a relationship. We are friends at this point. As I put it to him, it helps to have someone to bounce things off of and be able to lick your wounds with that gets where you are coming from. I do have to say that he has changed considerably...he's more thoughtful and honest with himself. He readily admits that he's been a Class A jerk. So we're friends, we have promised to be honest with each other, we plan to hang out next weekend - simply to get out of the house and not be sitting at home sending random "Please take me back" text messages. Heh

What the future holds? Who knows. *My* future holds a fun summer with my favorite 6-year old, my best friend, and enjoying my new home because it's MINE. I'm simply taking things one day at a time...it's all I can do at this point.