Step by Step
The new place is slowly looking more and more like home. I simply cannot wait to get everything in it’s place so that I can really begin to ENJOY the place. Right now much of my time at home is spent organizing, unpacking, building new pieces of furniture, etc. While it is rewarding to see the finished product and see things begin to come together, I think the true reward will be to sit back and enjoy my home in all of it’s completeness. I’ve disposed of much of the decorative/knick knack type items that I had when married to JD. I’ve kept the few things that I truly love and given away, donated, dumped the remainder. Fresh start all around. I also feel motivated to finish everything and do the remaining things that need to be taken care of, to put my own fingerprint on my apartment. As I mentioned previously, a lot of what is already accomplished in my new place was done by me and T. I need to override or replace some of those efforts with MY efforts. Make my own memories as I get the place to look like home…MY HOME. I ordered my very first piece of grown up furniture, an oak sideboard with a stainless steel top. It has a wine rack built in for 9 bottles of wine. I LOVE IT! Even the minor irritations of apartment living and a smaller than preferred apartment are less of a nuisance. I love MY PLACE…mine…mine!
I struggle on an almost daily basis with the knowledge that I need some time to heal, to recover and just be myself and the innate desire to be part of a relationship. I am a happier and more productive human being when I am in a relationship…that’s not to say that I cannot survive without a man in my life, just that I prefer to have someone to love who loves me back. I know I can survive and that I’ll be just fine…I just keep forgetting that fact. Deep breaths, all in time. If it’s meant to be, it will happen in it’s own time. Intellectually I know that, emotionally it’s hogwash. Haha I think I need to expand my circle of friends again. All of my friends, outside of my bestest girl C, are married or otherwise attached. I just want to be able to go out, have fun, without drama. Right now hanging out with a bunch of couples is painful. It reminds me that nobody deems me worthy to share their life with me. It’s a reminder that while I manage to, in my friend Jon’s words, “Get all the guys” I can’t manage to keep a guy. I think I’d rather be known for something other than “getting all the guys”…like finding a cure for cancer perhaps? ::sigh::
This past weekend was one of the first that I was home all weekend. No rushing out the door Friday night to head out to T’s for the weekend, no packing up the car with overnight bags, sleeping bags, etc. to spend my entire weekend at his place. Bug and I had dinner on Friday night, did some shopping for the apartment, and went home. He fell asleep on the couch curled up in the crook of my arm. How cool is that? Saturday was t-ball game and a birthday party. Once he was on his way with JD for the evening, I had the luxury of spending some time puttering around my place before I jumped in the shower and headed out to dinner with C. A fabulous dinner and then drinks at our favorite drinking establishment, some girl talk and gossip, and home in bed a little after 1am. Sunday met me with a bit of a headache from the overindulgence of the night before. I slept in…in my own bed!! Rose around noon and proceeded to run a few errands and do some shopping. I managed to get home by late afternoon and made a fantastic dinner, C came over for dinner and then helped me assemble my lovely new sideboard. I was at my own home the entire weekend and it was fabulous. I am glad I have more of a chance to be at home, just wish I had someone to share it with. I know, I know, in time.
When faced with an evening at home alone, I feel a slight bit of panic begin to set in. OMG, I’m going to be ALL ALONE tonight…as if I’ll have nothing to occupy my time. HA! I always manage to get through it just fine, and I always manage to find things to keep me busy. So why the fear? Why the panic each and every time? Does that ever go away? Good heavens I sure hope so, else I’ll lose my mind before long!
I struggle on an almost daily basis with the knowledge that I need some time to heal, to recover and just be myself and the innate desire to be part of a relationship. I am a happier and more productive human being when I am in a relationship…that’s not to say that I cannot survive without a man in my life, just that I prefer to have someone to love who loves me back. I know I can survive and that I’ll be just fine…I just keep forgetting that fact. Deep breaths, all in time. If it’s meant to be, it will happen in it’s own time. Intellectually I know that, emotionally it’s hogwash. Haha I think I need to expand my circle of friends again. All of my friends, outside of my bestest girl C, are married or otherwise attached. I just want to be able to go out, have fun, without drama. Right now hanging out with a bunch of couples is painful. It reminds me that nobody deems me worthy to share their life with me. It’s a reminder that while I manage to, in my friend Jon’s words, “Get all the guys” I can’t manage to keep a guy. I think I’d rather be known for something other than “getting all the guys”…like finding a cure for cancer perhaps? ::sigh::
This past weekend was one of the first that I was home all weekend. No rushing out the door Friday night to head out to T’s for the weekend, no packing up the car with overnight bags, sleeping bags, etc. to spend my entire weekend at his place. Bug and I had dinner on Friday night, did some shopping for the apartment, and went home. He fell asleep on the couch curled up in the crook of my arm. How cool is that? Saturday was t-ball game and a birthday party. Once he was on his way with JD for the evening, I had the luxury of spending some time puttering around my place before I jumped in the shower and headed out to dinner with C. A fabulous dinner and then drinks at our favorite drinking establishment, some girl talk and gossip, and home in bed a little after 1am. Sunday met me with a bit of a headache from the overindulgence of the night before. I slept in…in my own bed!! Rose around noon and proceeded to run a few errands and do some shopping. I managed to get home by late afternoon and made a fantastic dinner, C came over for dinner and then helped me assemble my lovely new sideboard. I was at my own home the entire weekend and it was fabulous. I am glad I have more of a chance to be at home, just wish I had someone to share it with. I know, I know, in time.
When faced with an evening at home alone, I feel a slight bit of panic begin to set in. OMG, I’m going to be ALL ALONE tonight…as if I’ll have nothing to occupy my time. HA! I always manage to get through it just fine, and I always manage to find things to keep me busy. So why the fear? Why the panic each and every time? Does that ever go away? Good heavens I sure hope so, else I’ll lose my mind before long!
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