Everything's going to be all right.
So here I am on a lovely (well not really it's rainy and muggy and blech outside, but anyway) Sunday afternoon in my own place. Last night I stayed home, all by myself. I didn't do much outside of order in dinner, putz a bit on the computer and do a whole lot of thinking. I had music on for background noise but I didn't even turn on the TV. My emotions last night ranged from happy and looking forward to my future - whatever it may hold to feeling incredibly isolated and lonely to boredom and indifference. I know that doesn't sound terribly pleasant or exciting but it was ok. I am ok. I learned a few things about myself and I came to a few realizations. All is well in Drama's world.
My best friend, C and I have dubbed this summer the "Summer of No Commitments" and our mantra is "We deserve to be fucking cherished!". We are going to have fun, date casually if the mood strikes us, and just enjoy the summer...not in a search for the elusive perfect man, but merely in a search for fun and fun people to meet and get to know. If Mr. Right appears in front of us so be it but we've stopped looking. It'll be quite a stretch for both us as we very much alike and neither of us are the "dating around" kinda girl. After the winter and spring that we've both had, we need this. No pressure, no drama, just good fun. We've decided not to be as picky about who we agree to date. We still have our standards but the benchmark won't be "Is he future material" as much as, "Is he fun date material and does he respect me". I'll let you know how this works out for us! Heh
In that vein I ended up backing out of my lunch date for today. I just didn't feel it was a good move, while he has the potential for a lot of fun, he also has a ton of baggage that he brings to the table (a marriage that hasn't ended - the divorce has gone on longer than that marriage because of his anger and bitterness, a strange dating/non-dating relationship with the mother of his son, as well as some other things that just throw up a bunch of red flags) so I opted to bow out gracefully now before it got too strange.
In other boy news, JM and I have been keeping in touch a lot lately. He had texted me back at the beginning of May to apologize for everything he's put me through over the past two-ish years. While I still have feelings for him and always will, I had moved past our relationship and had allowed myself to heal. His apology was nice to hear and deeply heartfelt but I almost didn't need to hear it. It opened up wounds that had already begun to heal. I told him such. He again apologized and said that he didn't want to disrupt my life or cause me any more pain, he just needed me to know that he was very sorry for all he had put me through. In talking more I learned that he had been seeing someone for the past while and had broken it off and ran just like he did with me. The difference was that he came back to try again and she sent him packing. He realized then what he had done to me because he had done it to her as well. We agreed to remain friends and left it at that. I told him that I still had feelings for him but that I was happy with T (at that time). He understood and said that he did not want to mess up what I had going at that time. Well as history proves, things with T fell apart and JM and I had been in touch throughout that time. He was the one I called when T threw my keys back at me and said it was over. JM offered to go with me to retrieve my stuff from T's. He was still very much wounded from the relationship with this woman and I was still struggling with the knowledge that T and I were over. We supported each other and kept in touch via phone, text, and email. The day that I went to get my stuff from T's he came with me as a physical support as well as emotional support. He took me out to dinner afterwards and I could feel the old feelings beginning to rise to the surface but I wasn't ready and it was obvious he wasn't either. He still had feelings for this woman and I was reeling from being dismissed by T. We have kept in touch since then, he's finally starting to recover from his relationship with this woman, she's proven to be a game player and seems to enjoy having him pining over her while she drags him along. This weekend he seems to have finally gotten that. Last weekend while out with C, I texted him and told him that he was "Chasing after the wrong girl" but I wouldn't say any more. He knows what that means. I don't know what is going to happen with us. I've opted to remain the supportive friend, keeping my distance. If nothing else, we've reconciled our relationship and I am happy to call him my friend. He has been there for me throughout this entire breakup with T and I appreciate that. He has changed from the man he was 2 years ago and he has admitted it. He readily acknowledges that he was an asshole and treated me very poorly. We shall see...it does feel good to know that he finally saw how his actions have hurt me.
I still think about T..but the pain has subsided, in many cases it's more anger than anything. I wish I had an answer as to what happened with us but since he refuses to discuss it I can only work through the pain and hurt myself, the best way that I know how.
I'm lucky - I have an amazing little boy who calls me momma, I have the very best friend in the whole wide world, and an awesome circle of friends who truly care about me. I will be just fine.
My best friend, C and I have dubbed this summer the "Summer of No Commitments" and our mantra is "We deserve to be fucking cherished!". We are going to have fun, date casually if the mood strikes us, and just enjoy the summer...not in a search for the elusive perfect man, but merely in a search for fun and fun people to meet and get to know. If Mr. Right appears in front of us so be it but we've stopped looking. It'll be quite a stretch for both us as we very much alike and neither of us are the "dating around" kinda girl. After the winter and spring that we've both had, we need this. No pressure, no drama, just good fun. We've decided not to be as picky about who we agree to date. We still have our standards but the benchmark won't be "Is he future material" as much as, "Is he fun date material and does he respect me". I'll let you know how this works out for us! Heh
In that vein I ended up backing out of my lunch date for today. I just didn't feel it was a good move, while he has the potential for a lot of fun, he also has a ton of baggage that he brings to the table (a marriage that hasn't ended - the divorce has gone on longer than that marriage because of his anger and bitterness, a strange dating/non-dating relationship with the mother of his son, as well as some other things that just throw up a bunch of red flags) so I opted to bow out gracefully now before it got too strange.
In other boy news, JM and I have been keeping in touch a lot lately. He had texted me back at the beginning of May to apologize for everything he's put me through over the past two-ish years. While I still have feelings for him and always will, I had moved past our relationship and had allowed myself to heal. His apology was nice to hear and deeply heartfelt but I almost didn't need to hear it. It opened up wounds that had already begun to heal. I told him such. He again apologized and said that he didn't want to disrupt my life or cause me any more pain, he just needed me to know that he was very sorry for all he had put me through. In talking more I learned that he had been seeing someone for the past while and had broken it off and ran just like he did with me. The difference was that he came back to try again and she sent him packing. He realized then what he had done to me because he had done it to her as well. We agreed to remain friends and left it at that. I told him that I still had feelings for him but that I was happy with T (at that time). He understood and said that he did not want to mess up what I had going at that time. Well as history proves, things with T fell apart and JM and I had been in touch throughout that time. He was the one I called when T threw my keys back at me and said it was over. JM offered to go with me to retrieve my stuff from T's. He was still very much wounded from the relationship with this woman and I was still struggling with the knowledge that T and I were over. We supported each other and kept in touch via phone, text, and email. The day that I went to get my stuff from T's he came with me as a physical support as well as emotional support. He took me out to dinner afterwards and I could feel the old feelings beginning to rise to the surface but I wasn't ready and it was obvious he wasn't either. He still had feelings for this woman and I was reeling from being dismissed by T. We have kept in touch since then, he's finally starting to recover from his relationship with this woman, she's proven to be a game player and seems to enjoy having him pining over her while she drags him along. This weekend he seems to have finally gotten that. Last weekend while out with C, I texted him and told him that he was "Chasing after the wrong girl" but I wouldn't say any more. He knows what that means. I don't know what is going to happen with us. I've opted to remain the supportive friend, keeping my distance. If nothing else, we've reconciled our relationship and I am happy to call him my friend. He has been there for me throughout this entire breakup with T and I appreciate that. He has changed from the man he was 2 years ago and he has admitted it. He readily acknowledges that he was an asshole and treated me very poorly. We shall see...it does feel good to know that he finally saw how his actions have hurt me.
I still think about T..but the pain has subsided, in many cases it's more anger than anything. I wish I had an answer as to what happened with us but since he refuses to discuss it I can only work through the pain and hurt myself, the best way that I know how.
I'm lucky - I have an amazing little boy who calls me momma, I have the very best friend in the whole wide world, and an awesome circle of friends who truly care about me. I will be just fine.
1 comment:
Given what I've been reading on your blog lately, I would suggest that your best plan of action is the one that you are into now - enjoying life with good friends, not rushing to find deep commitments, regardless whether another potential "Mr Right" should happen along or not, letting time heal your heart, tryng to look on the positive side and maintain your sense of humor, above all else. It's hard then to feel sad if you're busy laughing instead - plus a happy person is a healthy contented attractive person.
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